'AITA for telling my stepmom the reason I started disliking her two years ago is because she's pathetically jealous of my dead mom?'
"AITA for telling my stepmom the reason I started disliking her two years ago is because she's pathetically jealous of my dead mom?"
My parents got divorced when I (17F) was like 2 or 3 and my dad met my stepmom when I was 5. We got along really well and I grew to really think she was great. My mom liked her too. Mom died when I was 7 and from that point on I lived full time with my dad and stepmom.
Things were still good between me and my stepmom. She was never my mom but she was still my family and I always had a really good time with her when we were together. For the most part she was the fun person at dad's house and more like a support to him.
He did the discipline for me and he was the one who set boundaries, she just helped enforce them. Dad told me he did that so I'd never resent her for coming in and acting like my mom. He said he felt that was super important after mom died.
Two years ago things changed. She was acting weird for a while and then when we were all together for Mother's Day with my dad's family she left the table during dinner at what seemed like a random time to me.
But a while later I heard her talking to my aunt and my stepmom was like "that woman's been dead for years and I've been here, raising her longer and I'm JUST the stepmom while that stupid b-word is still the one she recognizes every Mother's Day and she's the one people bring up to her".
Stupid b-word and that woman were her words and so was most of that. I can't remember everything exactly because what she said was a lot longer. But she insulted my mom like 5 different times and her words were so full of jealousy.
She also said my mom had contributed nothing to my life, had such a little impact on me and that's just not true. Her whole thing was that she's done more for me and should be taking the place my mom does.
It made me really dislike her. I was cold and distant with her after that and she was so snarky about my mom and it really only happened after that Mother's Day. My half siblings picked up on it too. So did my dad but he didn't really do anything about it.
There was a day not super long after hearing what I did when my stepmom told me to do a project in my room and get the freaking mess off the table. I was doing a family tree and we needed to use pictures and I was trying to find one of mom that I could make fit with others.
The table was more messy the day before when I worked on it, but I didn't add mom until last minute because I have like a love/hate relationship going through photos of her.
There were still times my stepmom tried to act like we were as good as we had ever been and I iced her out. It's taken two years for her to bring that up to me and the other night she asked me about it because I avoided her promotion party and didn't congratulate her or anything.
She said it's like I suddenly realized I was a teen and started hating her for no reason. I told her it wasn't for no reason. I started disliking her because she's pathetically jealous of my mom and I heard everything she said two years ago.
She was mad at me for listening to her vent and more mad that it didn't make me feel bad and start making her feel better about things. I told her she deserved no reassurances from me for talking about mom that way.
She told me my attitude needed a lot of work and complained to dad about me. She's saying I owe her an apology now for bringing it all up to her and saying I didn't like her over a private conversation I was never supposed to hear. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
“Dear stepmom, until I heard how you really feel about my mom, I liked you and considered you to be family. You are not just jealous of my mom but hateful towards her. When she was alive, she genuinely thought well of you. I am disappointed and shocked by your behavior, even more so because I thought you genuinely cared about me.
We no longer have any sort of familial bond, and I see you only as my father’s wife now. You have undone the good relationship we did have because of your actions. No one can or should replace anyone’s mother.
Your anger and blame-shifting towards my mother and me are misplaced, and I feel justified in my response. This is the consequence of your hateful behaviors.” And tell your dad what she said about your mom with the specific examples. He may not do anything about it, but give him the chance.
If someone trashes a dead parent out of jealousy, they don’t get to cry about consequences when the kid pulls away. That wasn’t just venting—those were cruel, calculated words. Stepmom’s hurt feelings don’t outweigh the disrespect she showed.
NTA but you should really talk to your dad about what’s been going on. It is your home and you shouldn’t be uncomfortable (or stepmom shouldn’t try to make you uncomfortable) because you love your mom. Sounds like dad tried to do things to keep this from happening when you were younger but needs to talk to his wife about her unacceptable behavior.
AntelopeOwn1340 (OP)
I'm not sure that he will. He just let her rant and rave but never said anything to her or brought it up to me. Seems like he's just going to let it go and treat it like something she just needs to vent about.
Info: what did your dad say? Do you have contact with your maternal family members?
AntelopeOwn1340 (OP)
Dad said nothing to me about it and I didn't bring it up with him either. I see my maternal side every other weekend. I get to spend a night at my grandparents house and hang out with family both days.
NTA., Wow… talking about dodging the issue. It’s not about you ‘eavesdropping’ . She wasn’t in a confessional; she wasn’t ranting in the house where you both live ?!?!? Op, I think you need to take your Dad aside and have a conversation with him about what you heard , because I doubt she was honest about what she said. Be clear about EVERYTHING she said, and how it made you feel.
It’s okay if what she said made you change your opinion of her. She was completely disrespectful and honestly horrible about your mom, because she’s wants to be celebrated for a position that can’t be earned with years of service. Not to mention her rant really makes me think that’s she’s not sincere or honest about her feelings for op, and she’s really just trying to ‘win’ the title of mom.