'AITA for telling my stepmother I don't care about her comfort or her feeling like she's home?'
"AITA for telling my stepmother I don't care about her comfort or her feeling like she's home?"
I (17f) met my stepmother (who I call stepwitch irl) her and dad got engaged and married and she moved in with us all when I was 11. My mom had died two years before that. When she moved in with us (her and dad were engaged) she told him she wasn't comfortable with any photos of my mom in the house.
There were two in the living room and some in my room. The rest were taken down by dad before she moved in. I got mad at dad for taking down the last two in the living room and he told me it was her home too and she deserved to feel comfortable with us.
He asked me why I had a problem with it and I told him because it was mom's home first and was supposed to be mine. He repeated that she deserved to be comfortable and didn't I want that for her.
I told him nobody cared if I wanted her there or if I was comfortable. He told me mom wasn't being erased and it was making space for the new love in our lives. I told him he might love her but I didn't.
I complained when she could hear too and when she was saying she wanted them hidden or out of the house I said that wasn't fair and she was my mom but she ignored me.
Once she was settled in ,stepwitch was all about trying to make us close and she acted like she was my mom and my best friend. I ignored her or would be rude to her and I got in trouble for that a lot.
Any attempt she made to spend time with me or bond I rejected and I didn't make her feel welcome or wanted because she wasn't. She tried and tried, even trying to make her her maid of honor and I kicked up a huge fuss. For years I have either ignored her or been rude.
It's been 6 years and it was only when I told dad recently that I'll be moving out in November (my birthday month) that she was like why am I being like this and she told me she didn't think it was fair that I made her uncomfortable in her own home.
She said she did nothing to deserve being treated like an outsider in her new family. I was like you will always be an outsider to me. She didn't think that was fair but I didn't give a crap.
I told her she wanted all traces of mom gone but guess what I was always going to be a trace of mom and she was getting what she wanted by removing it all. She told me it wasn't fair and expecting her to live with reminders of the dead first wife was cruel. I told her what was cruel was not thinking about the fact the dead first wife had a child who wanted to see her face still.
She told me that's what other people's houses were for. She said she deserved to feel like this was her home too. I told her that I never cared about her comfort or her feeling like she was home just like she didn't care about that for me.
Dad walked into the fight and was like let's all go to family therapy and work this out and I said we weren't a family so I wasn't going. That's when stepwitch told me I was treating her like doggy doo on my shoe and she didn't deserve it and the hostility and lack of regard for her as a person was disgusting because I could say to her face that I don't care about her comfort or deny the fact we're family.
Dad said we should just work this out and try to mend things because we are in fact family but I was like never going to happen and she was saying over and over she didn't deserve this. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
The time for therapy was when she first started the talk about moving in and erasing your mother. Dad and his wife created this issue by NOT addressing this then.
I’m so sorry. That woman is evil. Evil to the core. Your dad isn't much better either. My heart breaks for you. I hope once you move, you can remember your mom the proper way. Your life will greatly improve when you leave. You had no control over this situation and I hope you never blame yourself for any of it. The adults in your life suck.
EverySmallySpell (OP)
I blame my dad most of all. He made the choice to still carry on with stepb even when he knew she wasn't okay with mom's presence. But he knew he had me. He knew I missed and loved mom. And not only did he stay with stepwitch but he projected his feelings onto me by saying we loved her when no I did not and never will.
Your dad is an idiot for not recognizing issues earlier. I mean how could he not see that you and her weren't on good terms? He calls for therapy now? BS. It's good that you move out soon. You should go to therapy with your father. Even just once.
Tell him everything how you feel, how he didn't care about you or your mom. Tell him that he has found happiness but you didn't. And once you move out limit your contact with him and cut her out completely. You deserved better. Uodateme what you end up doing.
EverySmallySpell (OP)
I think because it never bubbled over before like it did when she confronted me. It was me ignoring her or being rude but she didn't fight back and she kept trying. But once it was an actual fight he wanted to wave a magic wand because it disrupted his happiness more.
NTA! I've been a stepmom for over 20 years and I have never and would never try to erase the kids late mother! I've literally been in their lives longer than she was, unfortunately. I myself put pictures of their mom with the other family pictures we had out. The whole situation says more about them and their insecurities than anything about you.