Teen rejects 'pushy' stepmom's demand for adoption; 'my mother is gone.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my stepmother she's not my mom and I am not going to give her that mother/daughter experience?"
DareWorldly483
My stepmother married my dad when I (17f) was 10 and my mom died when I was 5. My stepmother and my dad have 3 sons together and no daughters. My stepmother always wanted a daughter though and when she married my dad she tried really hard to take over in the role of mom.
I never wanted her to be. That's not a her specific thing. I wouldn't have allowed anyone else in to be my mom. Still, I liked my stepmother for the first couple of years and other than a couple of annoying things.
She tried to give me a more girly nickname because my name is more unisex and her talk of being a new mom. It got more strained though when my oldest half brother was born just over a year after my dad and stepmother got married.
Once he was born she asked me if she could adopt me and if I would like to be "her little girl" and I said no. My dad asked me to talk to him about it and I told him nobody else could be my mom.
He mentioned legal stuff and I said I didn't want the legal protections from adoptions and wouldn't choose my stepmother if he died anyway. My dad understood and he told me as long as I treat her respectfully, he wouldn't push the issue. He talked to his wife about it and told her the adoption was off the table and that she wasn't to bring it up again.
My stepmother went crazy after that. She was always trying to sign us up for mother/daughter trips and tried to spend more and more time with me. She would come up with random trips or experiences for us to do together and she started cutting my chores and responsibilities that I did before I knew her.
She admitted she wanted to show me how great having a mom again could be. I told her I didn't want her doing that stuff. Then I started making excuses and getting out of spending any time with her.
She had my second half brother and was growing more depressed that we never spent time together anymore. After my third half brother was born she really got intense.
It didn't help that she found out I had gone to my grandma over her with my first period and I hadn't mentioned getting periods to her at that point. I had them for 3ish years at that point.
She had this whole talk planned and was upset that I had skipped it with her and went to someone else. She was also upset that I didn't experiment with makeup really or go to her for makeup/hair advice.
Last week my stepmother told me she wanted to be the one I go prom dress shopping with. She told me it's a huge milestone for mom's and daughters and she refuses to let us miss out.
I told her I'd go with my friends when the time comes and she was upset and told me she wants this to be a nice mother/daughter experience. I told her she's not my mom and I'm not going to give her this mother/daughter experience.
I told her she's not going to get any of those, because she's not my mom and I don't want her to be. She got really upset and I heard her and my dad fight about it. He told her she can't force that on me. She said I should be more willing to let her in. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
OxnardJEM
NTA - your step mother keeps pushing when you've made it clear you don't see her the way she wants to be seen. Her lack of respect towards you wanting to honor the memory of your mother is really not a great thing.
You feel how you feel, if she really wants to be a 'mother' figure - she should respect how you feel. Besides, from what you've said, this isn't about you more than it's about her just wanting a daughter and having had 3 sons instead. You can't escape it I guess until yo can move out but definitely you're fine here.
The OP responded here:
DareWorldly483
Yes, she always had this idea that she would have at least one little girl and she tried to make me that before she had kids, but it got so much worse when she couldn't have her own. This was about fulfilling a wish of hers. Makes me feel bad for my half brothers because she has put a lot more effort into me than into them.
Fluffy_Sheepy
NTA. You can't help that you never felt that connection. You were a little snappy, but she did keep pushing, and HAS been pushing you for years. This is so sad. If she wasn't so dead-set on the title and adoption papers, she could have had all those things, just as a "stepmom" instead of a "mom".
Some stepkids are ready to accept a stepparent as a replacement parent right away, some never are, but that is up to the kid and not the adults. But anyway, she likely would have had a better relationship with you if she wasn't so pushy.
She may have been someone you were more willing to let in, if there wasn't a know motive behind it to manipulate you into being "her little girl". You may have never been quite as close as she wanted, but you'd likely be much closer than you are now.
The OP again responded here:
DareWorldly483
We got along way better in the first year or two of the marriage. I liked her. I thought she was sweet and other than a couple of annoyances I did talk to her more openly than I did after she had her first child. That was the start of things just getting bad and where I started to dislike her.
NoraRainbow
NTA. This is a really tough situation for everyone. It sounds like your stepmom wants to be close, but she can't replace your mom, and that's okay. You need to grieve in your own way, and she needs to respect that. It's great that you've been able to talk to her about how you feel.