'AITA for telling my stepsister if I was her real mom I'd be so disgusted that she replaced me?'

"AITA for telling my stepsister if I was her real mom I'd be so disgusted that she replaced me?"

Me and my stepsister are both 16. We've been stepsisters since we were 7. My mom married her dad then. And they got married after my dad and her mom passed. We lost them when we were 5 and my mom and her dad met at a widowed people's support group. My stepsister and I feel different about being a blended family and we don't feel the same about her stepparent.

From the jump she was happy to have my mom around and she called her mom before my mom and her dad were even married. She said her deceasead mom was her first mom and mom is the person she calls just mom now. I cried for days after I first met her dad and realized my mom was dating him. I never wanted to call him dad and I never do. Not even one time. I only have one dad and he's d#$d.

And I'd be happy if my stepsister's dad focused on his own kids and left me alone.

My relationship with my stepfather is okay for the most part. It hurts him that I can't accept him the way his daughter accepted my mom. But we don't fight. Not like me and my stepsister do.

My stepsister has always said she doesn't understand why I want to ruin our family. She's called me heartless more times than I could count up. When we were 13 she was grounded for a month for telling me if I was so dead inside that I couldn't love our family then I should just go be with my dad. She said it to me again last year. I didn't tell my mom about it or my stepfather. I didn't see the point.

I've been mean or rude right back. Sometimes I've even said stuff without her bothering me. There were times she wanted to bond as sisters and I told her I didn't want her or like her and to go away. I've called her annoying and I said she sucks the fun out of stuff. She does that to me sometimes. Mostly when I'm having fun with friends.

She'll get mad that I'm having happy and tell me it's sick that I can be happier with friends than with our family. Or if she sees me hugging or being close with my friends she'll tell me I never hug her or her dad and she'll complain about it and call me names. I hate it when she does that. I know she's jealous because she knows I don't love her. I don't like her either. I think she loves me but dislikes me.

Which makes things more intense. Our half siblings are another fight between us. I'm closer to them and they seek me out more than her and it hurts her feelings and makes her mad at me because she's accepted everyone as family and considers us one family while I don't, but I do accept my half siblings. And I even love them.

We've always had fights before. Fighting between us is not uncommon and we even fought for two years in family therapy. We made no progress and the therapist was not able to fix us like my mom and stepfather wanted. But we had a fight last week that was kind of different and my mom is coming down super hard on me for what I said and my stepsister's getting a pass.

Father's Day was being talked about and my half brother asked to see what I got for my dad's grave. My stepsister lost her mind and started yelling at me about how I don't appreciate her dad like that and how I let mom get something from me to him.

How I didn't even want her dad to get something from me on Father's Day and I'd only make a kind of effort on Stepfamily Day, which is a US thing that isn't that well known about. She told me that my dad would be so disappointed and ashamed of me treating my real dad like that and dad would know that he wasn't around to be my real dad and her dad had more than earned that title or place.

Then she told me that if there was an afterlife that I'd never see my dad again and that I'd end up alone because I deserved to be. I didn't hold back. I told her to go f#$k herself and then I told her if I was her real mom I'd be disgusted that she replaced me and I'd make sure she never got the peace of mind of knowing I was okay with it.

I told her she had no loyalty to her real mom and I thought it was sick and that she saw people as easily replaced and at least I give a crap about my real family. My stepsister left the kitchen which is were the fight happened. She went up to her room and she cried and she's still upset. She withdrew and was different all week. Even teachers noticed.

My mom told me I had no reason to be so cruel and how could I go so low in that fight. I argued that she was the one who went that far first. Mom told me what I said was worse and so unfair when my stepsister was a good enough kid to love and accept and open her heart to everyone.

Which made me and mom fight because I told her she didn't have to keep me here if she felt I was that bad. That only made my mom angrier. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

roadkill4_snacks wrote:

OP what is your stepsister’s social situation? Does she have any close friends? Or many friends?

Also why do your half-siblings prefer you over your stepsister?

OP responded:

She has one or two friends I think. I don't really know much about that. I try not to get involved. With my half siblings I'm not all that sure why they prefer me. I know they've heard her go after me more than once so that could be one of the reasons.

They always loved hanging around me and clearly always looked up to me. I never questioned it before. Or really thought about it until she brought it up before.

BrownGalsAreBetter wrote:

NTA. She thought she could say anything to you to force you to accept her father the way she accepts your mom. Life doesn’t work that way. Mum needs a come to Jesus moment as you are both different people with different minds and things will only escalate more if they keep forcing this.

Ankh4921 wrote:

Neither you nor your stepsister’s approach to the new family dynamic is wrong. It sounds like the main issue here is that your feelings aren’t being respected, and it’s not fair for them to expect you to replace your Dad. If the therapist was trying to ‘fix it’ then it’s no wonder they failed. The goal should’ve been getting everyone to understand and respect each other’s feelings.

I think things would’ve gone more smoothly if you’d been allowed to treat your stepdad as your mother’s partner rather than your replacement Dad, and given the space to let the relationship develop organically.

I’m NOT saying that eventually you would see him as a father figure, but more as a trusted adult. I hope there is still some way that you all can sit down, talk everything out and set some healthy boundaries.

SwimmingProgram6530 wrote:

NTA and your Mom is only being harder on you because in your blended family, she has fared better than your stepfather and she doesn’t want you to rock the boat.

OP responded:

That makes sense. I didn't think of it that way.

No_Cockroach4248 wrote:

The underlying issue is that your stepsister expected and still expects you to want what she wants. She wants a blended family where she accepts your mom as her new mom and you to accept her dad as your new dad. Your relationship with your stepsister is not going to improve until she accepts and respects your views on blended family; that is her dad is stepdad and your dad remains dad.

You accept your half siblings very likely because they do not have the same expectations of you as your stepsister. Your mom is coming down super hard on you because I suspect her husband probably wants to be seen as your “new dad”, in a similar way as his daughter sees your mom as her “new mom”. What your stepsister said was very hurtful, i am not surprised you responded.

What I see as sad though is that your stepsister is very likely parroting the wishes of her father. She was 7 when her father married your mom and she would have no idea what a blended family would look like, other than what she was told. He should have put a stop to this a long time ago. NTA.