'AITA for telling my stepson that we will not be providing him with free childcare and housing?'
"AITA for telling my stepson that we will not be providing him with free childcare and housing?"
I (38F) have 3 stepsons, they are all adults (late teens-mid twenties). The one this concerns is middle child. He sat my husband (42) and I down last night and told us that his girlfriend is pregnant and they do plan on keeping the baby.
We got into logistics of how that’s going to work because they live with her mom right now in her living room. He said that they won’t be able to stay with her once the baby is born.
This is where he said that they plan on moving in with us. As a statement. We do not have any free rooms, so I asked where they expected to stay? He said we can finish the basement before the baby is born and they will live down there. The basement is completely unfinished. Making it a livable space would cost several THOUSANDS of dollars - which we don’t have.
He said it would just be until the baby reaches pre-school age and then it will be easier for them to live on their own since they wouldn’t need the full time childcare. What childcare?? Me apparently. I’m childcare.
I do work from home, but it is very much WORK. I spend 75% of my day in meetings or on phone calls with clients, it is not a job I can do with a baby. I’ll admit, not my finest moment, but I laughed. Hard. Because I couldn’t believe he was being serious.
My husband stepped in and said he needed to come up with a different plan because none of that was happening. He said that we can help financially to secure an apartment. We can help with baby stuff. We will be happy to take the baby when they need a break - but that’s the extent. It wasn’t a happy parting at the end, but my husband and I are on the same page.
A couple hours later my husband got a call from his ex. She was upset at both of us for not supporting them the way they felt they needed us to. Bear in mind, she can’t watch the baby or house them either because she lives in a 1 bed apartment with her on again/off again husband who does not like the kids and does not allow them to even come over to see her.
Hubby told her that now would be a great time for her and son/DIL to get a place together - then she can take care of the baby and they’ll have a place to live. Which of course, she didn’t like.
We don’t really care what she thinks, but our oldest has said that he thinks it’s a little harsh that we won’t let them stay here temporarily (it wouldn’t be temporary. Her mom’s living room was supposed to be temporary 2 years ago.) and he doesn’t think it was nice thatI laughed during a serious discussion, which is fair.
The youngest is on our side, but he lives at home when he’s not away at college and he doesn’t want to live with a baby either, so he’s a little biased.
Are we AH here?
I do feel bad, it isn’t going to be easy - but being a parent is never easy. Hell, that’s the whole point of this freaking post, our kids are grown and it’s STILL hard to be a parent. We’d love some outside insight.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Well, nice or not, I think in the long run it's better that the ridiculous bubble of delusion was burst from the get-go, rather than you treating it as in any way a request worthy of consideration.
You do not want the father-to-be thinking that you doing the "full time childcare" could ever be a realistic plan. Your laughter cleared away any doubt about your refusal. If he is that delusional and entitled a wake up call was needed. NTA.
The son and girlfriend are not ready to be parents if they cannot plan and take care of the bare minimum basic stuff like a place to live and childcare. Why on earth do they think it's a good idea to have a child in their situation. I don't blame you for laughing, their suggestion was ludicrously ridiculous.
So.. you remodel your basement for us, at your expense, we'll move in, and you can provide (presumably) free daycare while we get on with our lives. I'd be in hysterics at the level of unserious delusion too! NTA.
NTA. Since when did it become ok for someone to tell you they are going to live with you and redo part of your home? Blows my mind. If they have been living together for 2 years already, they have been freeloading on someone else and should have some money saved up if they were acting responsibly.
I know its rough right now and rents are aky high, but its always been rough. I would have never dreamed of telling my parents that or even living with them. Thank goodness your husband spoke up and set him straight. Good luck!
NTA. It is just amazing to me that people expect others to rearrange their entire lives when they decide to have children, in order to take care of said children, who should always be taken care of by the parent.
I would probably not have laughed, but I hold the same position as you and your husband. As far as finishing out the basement, it will cost more than several thousand dollars, it will cost several tens of thousands of dollars.
NTA. They didn't ask or discuss anything with you or your husband. Instead they made major life decisions for all of you then told you as if neither of you had a choice. Even if you were willing and able to do what he wanted, being that entitled is not the way to do it.
He and girlfriend need to go back to the drawing board, face reality, and make decisions that don't rely on drafting others. They do have other options, like working opposite shifts. Although from the sound of things adoption or termination may be more of a sound decision.