"AITA for telling the truth about my sister?"
I (22M) have a sister “Lucy” (19F) who has always been a difficult person to be around. Everybody in the family walks on eggshells around her for fear of a blowup. I’ve always been told she is just a teenage girl going through teenage girl things, but that justification is getting old after almost a decade of her shenanigans.
Despite her tantrums, passive-aggressiveness, and the consistent dark cloud she casts over our family, my parents have always tried to protect her reputation to anybody outside of our immediate family. This includes lying about her overall wellbeing and creating this false image of a loving, upbeat girl who radiates positivity. I, however, have mentally checked out of whatever relationship I had left with her.
Along with this, I’ve also started to tell the truth when people ask me how Lucy is. Here’s where I might be TA. I was recently on a trip to be with my great uncle. As with many of our family members, Lucy has little to no relationship with him. He asked me how she was and I told the truth.
When he asked follow up questions I gave him straight up answers that came from an entirely factual account of things she has done. When the conversation finished he said something along the lines of “that’s good to know,” which immediately filled me with regret. I told my parents about it and asked for their advice for future conversations with outsiders about Lucy.
They hinted I was TA and said I shouldn’t tell the whole truth. Their argument is that Lucy is supposedly trying to become a better version of herself (attempt #35 is the charm maybe?) and that I will taint her future relationships by telling the truth about her as a person.
For those who would like a specific example of something I told him, here you go: If there is any kind of occasion where somebody might have more attention than her (think birthdays, celebration dinners, etc.), she will get quiet, cross her arms, lean back, and put on a cartoony frown that she will keep the whole dinner while refusing to talk to anybody.
This happens consistently at celebratory dinners, but also during most regular family dinners. So, my question is: AITA for telling the truth about my sister’s behavior?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Librarycat77 wrote:
NAH. Look, she's 19. In my experience a lot of people (myself included) are some degree of AH when they're teens and early 20s. I couldn't stand one of my sisters for years. And at the time, I just thought she was choosing to be awful to specifically me, on purpose.
The actual story that I learned many years later is that she was really struggling with her mental health, and it led to her behaving like an AH a lot of the time. Im not going to get into details, but she was having a bad time to the extent that - despite her not being on anything - she doesn't remember most of her late teens and early 20s. At all.
She was able to get real help and is a completely different person after that, and growing up some. I don't have the same mental health issues, but I was also sometimes awful as a 19-23-year-old. Frankly, its just kind of part of the deal of growing up and maturing. We make mistakes and sometimes behave badly.
I would caution you though, even if you are saying things that are true theres a good chance it will look bad on you for saying those things. Especially if you arent saying them with compassion. If all you ever have to say about your sister is negative, thats just gonna look bad on you in the long run.
You'll be better off saying something like "Shes having a hard time, hopefully things change for her soon. But I really wanted to tell you about (a thing you're doing that youre excited about)." A sign of maturity is being able to let people make their own mistakes, and to change or not change their own behavior - while realizing it doesnt need to affect you.
SuperColossl wrote:
ESH - she sounds like hard work and she had plenty of time to do better. Then, when I read your description of the bad behaviour you told your uncle about, it seems very petty & childlike - folded arms and a scowl, easy to ignore, like you would a toddler tantrum. Not terrifying, and more petty than atrocious, worrying behaviour your uncle needs protecting from. You sound like a gossip.
Nester1953 wrote:
There's a difference between refusing to fall in line with your parents' misrepresentations and assailing your sister's character (however accurately) to family members. Perhaps go with, "She must be at a difficult age," or some such and let it go.
It sounds as if anyone who observes your sister in a social setting can see for themselves how she's doing, you don't need to elaborate. Your sister does sound dreadful; I hope your parents will get her some help before she tries to live in the wider wold with this sort of behavior. Parents might accept it; in the workplace, with roommates, and with friend groups it isn't going to fly.
As for you, it wounds as if you'd be better served if you were less involved. Do you live in your family home, and if so, would you be happier with a different, more independent living situation? ESH.
saraiguessdk wrote:
You said a decade of her shenanigans but she's 19, so her shenanigans since she was... 9? I think sometimes we want to vent about our lives and I do think asking a kid to lie is nuts, but I would hope my son by age 22 would have learnt to gracefully cloak the truth so it doesn't land as harshly.
Or just, not overshare to people outside the circle or at least his circle. If he tells grandma the truth, no issue because grandma loves granddaughter deeply and unconditionally. If he tells an uncle, maybe not so cool because now uncle may view or treat her more harshly. I hope your parents get to the bottom of her issues.
Neither of you have even finished developing your frontal lobes so honestly, ESH. Your parents should give you more grace and an audience to vent to safely and without judgement. You should learn to mind your business and let your sister's issues be her own business unless it's causing someone real harm. She should get her crap figured out, idk.
No_Difficulty_9365 wrote:
NTA, but I have a difficult sister, too. Not in the same way your sister is, but I finally just cut her out of my life. That would be the best method. Because the way your mother protects your sister, you're going to end up being the "bad guy."
Trick_few wrote:
NTA. Your parents should have your Sister in therapy. They want to pretend the issue doesn’t exist. They aren’t doing a favor to anyone in the family.