'AITA for telling the woman I gave birth to that I don’t regret giving her up?'
"AITA for telling the woman I gave birth to that I don’t regret giving her up?"
I 45F got pregnant when I was 20. It wasn’t a big traumatic situation. I got knocked up from a one night stand I didn’t even know the guys name. I’ve never wanted kids, never felt maternal and that didn’t change when I found out. I just didn’t want a kid.
I knew from the beginning that I didn’t want to keep her but unfortunately, by the time I found out, I was unable to get a termination. I ended up giving her to a lovely couple I worked with and was friends with the husband. He had opened up to me previously about how he and his wife had been struggling with infertility and were looking into adoption.
I met his wife lots of times and they were absolutely lovely. They had a nice house in a nice area of our city and while I was in the position where I could raise a child, I knew that with them the baby would be happier, healthier and infinitely more loved.
They were good loving people and I knew they could provide a good life. When I gave birth I had love for my baby but still those maternal instincts to care for her weren’t very strong. She went with them.
I continued to work with my coworker for about a year before moving to he closer to my parents. never told them or anyone about my pregnancy. I had told my coworker I was happy for them but that I didn’t want to know anything about her.
I thought about her from time to time hoped she was doing well but other than that she was not very present in my mind. It’s been 25 years since then, I’ve married my husband and I have a great life, still no kids but we are happy.
I live near family and friends and my life is peaceful. However I got a message from my old coworker 2 weeks ago saying that their daughter found out who I was and was considering messaging me and lo and behold a few days later I got a message on Facebook. Turns out she goes to university in my city and I agreed to one conversation.
She seemed nice, she said she had a great life and that she was happy. She asked why I gave her up and if I ever thought about her. I told her the truth, that I just didn’t want kids and that she crossed my mind now and again but not too often.
She asked if I wished I had kept her and I told her the truth. I tried to be nice by saying I couldn’t have given her a nearly as good of a life and that I didn’t regret it because again, I didn’t want to be a mother.
She got a bit upset after that and she cut the meeting short and I haven’t heard from her since then, except for a message from her dad saying thanks for meeting with her.
I did feel bad because I clearly upset her but she’s a grown woman and I didn’t feel right lying to her when there’s a chance the lie I tell could make her feel worse but my husband said I maybe could have worded it more gently but I felt that I said what was the most honest without being overly cruel or harsh but I did seem to upset her so, AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NAH. You don't regret giving her up. Why lie? You just heard that she had the life you hoped she would and the love you knew you did not have in you. What more would anyone want for their offspring?
and not to diminish the daughters feelings, but compared to other reddit posts the conversation could’ve been a lot worse. other times the adopted child find their birth family and see that they moved on and had other kids. this could’ve been that, but at least it wasn’t i guess?🤷🏽♀️
NTA. That's not the answer she wanted, but you aren't an AH for being honest.
NTA. Not every birth mother and child meeting is the fairy tale meeting one or both may want. It is not your responsibility to be the birth mother she imagined you would be.
NTA.
She needed the honesty to stop romanticizing the circumstances of her adoption.
The truth could have been toned down. You could have told her you were young and wanted her to have her best life and you couldn’t give that to her and left out the part about not wanting to be a mother.
So for those reasons you do not regret that decision. It sounds like you were overly harsh without meaning it. When an adopted child reaches out they want to feel that it’s not just that you didn’t want them.
Yes, she is a grown women. But the feelings a person has about being adopted are deep, which makes them very sensitive. You could reach out and say it sounded harsh, but seeing how she turned out to be an amazing woman that you know it was right.
NTA. It was the truth, you weren't malicious. I think there is a detrimental fantasy narrative in adoptive community that those children want thier birth family to regret the choice. In your situation you made the best choice for you and her as a baby. It takes strength to be honest it just wasnt the fantasy she imagined.
I think maybe you could’ve handled it better. That’s probably pretty crushing to hear that your birth mother never regretted giving her up.
NAH. I think your husband is right and it is in the phrasing of how you said it. No matter what you said, it was going to hurt in some way, and that’s on her to deal with. But there’s a difference between “I don’t regret giving you up,” and “I believe I made the best choice for everyone involved.” You may have been able.
I think what she may be having a problem with is that she is now a fully formed adult with a personality. She may be nice and kind and smart and a wonderful person. But you didn’t give that person up, you gave a baby that you didn’t know with no attachment to you, up.