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'AITA for telling the truth about my engagement?' 'I didn’t want to lie.' AITA? UPDATED

'AITA for telling the truth about my engagement?' 'I didn’t want to lie.' AITA? UPDATED

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"AITA for telling the truth about my engagement?"

So I (F29) and M(31) got married last year after being together for almost 4 years dating. We’ve always had a fun relationship with no major issues. And our relationship before and after marriage has been relatively the same.

One thing that had always bothered me though was the period leading up to our engagement. You see, my spouse, call him Jack, had a bad experience with marriage due to his divorced parents. I was understanding but made it clear from the get go that if our relationship was serious I wanted to get married at some point.

Anyway, onto to the conflict. So I knew Jack was not going to be 100% thrilled with the prospect of marriage from the get go. But I thought by the time year 3 rolled around with no issues, living together yada yada, he would be more comfortable proposing.

I was WRONG. Every time I would bring it up it was like pulling teeth. And it would eventually end up with one or both of us crying into the early morning hours. A half of year of this passed, and finally I hit a breaking point after reading stories of women being strung along for a decade or more.

Our lease was ending so I said I was going to leave. And that while I loved him, I was not going to be unhappy and never fulfill my dream. Well, that seemed to finally do something. He buckled down, we got our rings picked out, and got the paperwork ready for our courthouse wedding.

It went well, had a great small ceremony and party with some close friends. Good memories for that day but they are bittersweet as it is hard not to remember all those nights crying about his unwillingness to commit or get therapy for it. But our life is great by all accounts. However I feel like the ahole.

At a party yesterday when my younger sister was asking about details about my engagement and if it was fun/romantic as she is two years into her own relationship. I basically blurted out "no" And gave a brief rundown of what I previously wrote.

She was shocked as we are one of those couples who are always happy. I said that we are happy, but the marriage thing was just a big fear for Jack and that’s just how life is sometimes. But I’m grateful for what we have now. My sister seemed to take it well but I can tell it’s made her see Jack a bit differently. And for the rest of the party she was a bit more reserved than usual.

Jack noticed and asked what was up but I waited until we were back home to explain. He was pretty upset, and said that I shouldn’t have said anything. I said I was sorry and that I was a little tipsy and that I didn’t want to lie in case she was maybe going through a similar situation.

(It was the truth my situation has made me way more sensitive to the marriage thing in general and I never bring up engagement type stuff to couples.) But he thinks I did it to be rude and because I’m still hurt about it. Idk. I thought I was over it but maybe there is some truth. I feel like I should still be able to be honest when privately chatting with my sister. AITA?

UPDATE:

Thought I would give an update if anyone cared. So my husband and I decided to talk it out after have some time to cool down. The gist is that Jack was upset at me for telling the truth because he was embarrassed by his past behavior.

He looks back at that time in our life and it makes him cringe to think about how immature he acted. And how he wished he could pretend it never happened. Especially since nothing about our relationship has really changed. In fact, if anything he takes pride in being a good husband and having a good wife by his side.

Jack said that he never really considered people asking about our engagement and what he would ideally want to say. I agreed I would keep it vague if it made him feel uncomfortable. I also said I really didn’t mean to tell my sister things that would make him look bad.

I just trust her to be quiet (we both are good at keeping secrets for each other) and I think part of me wanted to confide in someone else since I’d never told anyone about this issue. And also she might have to deal with something similar one day with her boyfriend.

He said he understands (he has friends who are also on the fence/their partners are on the fence about marriage too. And he should know me better than to assume malicious intent rather than just me being blunt like usual (lol) especially when drinking.

Jack then asked if I could talk to my sister to make sure she knows that our relationship is good. And I assured him I already had but that I would tell her again when we meet for lunch soon.

So I think we are okay. Jack is acting his usual cheery self and every time I see him I can’t help but smile. If this issue ever pops up again I’ll be sure to be more adamant about therapy. But for now I’m just happy to be together with him.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

General_Relative2838 said:

NAH. You were both transparent about your feelings. You wanted marriage, and he was hesitant. You finally hit your breaking point, which forced Jack to realize he was ready to move past his comfort zone to keep you.

It’s fine to tell your sister the truth as long as you reiterate that your marriage is a happy one. Please don’t let the way you got engaged cast a shadow on your happiness. It’s unimportant in the scheme of things.

HerdingCats24-7 said:

NTA. He doesn't get to rewrite history and have you lie about your own experience. Your experience is yours. His behavior is his and perhaps he needs therapy to unpack why he needs you to lie about how he treated you.

Rhypskallion said:

NTA. That's your truth. Your experience. It's yours and you can share it how you like. It was indelicate of you to share it during a party. It was also indelicate of you to tell Jack about it. The timing was poor. Good luck.

Virtual_Rain175 said:

NTA. You were just telling the truth, your truth at that. He can’t be mad about that because it’s what really happened.

throwawaydostoievski said:

If he didn’t want you to tell other people how reluctant he was to commit to you, he should have committed sooner. NTA.

yramt said:

NTA, it's what happened. My husband was indifferent about marriage and I was until I wasn't. I'm a get sh#$ done kind of person. I asked him to marry me because I wanted to get married and didn't need him to be the one asking.

It was not romantic and if someone asks, I freely admit that and I was the one who asked. Honestly, we're not conventionally romantic anyway.

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