'AITA for telling my wife that being a stay-at-home mom to teens isn't a full-time job?'

"AITA for telling my wife that being a stay-at-home mom to teens isn't a full-time job?"

My wife (37F) and I (37M) have been married for 15 years. We have two kids who are now 14 and 12 (the eldest isn't mine), both in school from 7:30-3pm, the bus picks them up from the front of our house and drops them off. Sometimes they'll have afterschool activities and stay until 5pm and I'll go pick them up after i get out of work on those days.

They're becoming more independent now, and I had a discussion with my wife about how she could get a job (she's never had one besides being a stay-at-home mom) now that the kids are older and I'm retiring from my 20-year military career and could stay home and be a stay-at-home dad now.

She doesn't enjoy cooking or cleaning, so I figured it'd be best if I step into those roles so we can eat less takeout and a more healthy diet. The kids eat breakfast and lunch at school and when they go to school she typically goes to the gym, yoga, then goes for coffee, browses social media, then shopping or window shopping, or goes and does her hair, nails, eyebrows, eyelashes, makeup, etc then comes home to cook dinner.

I brought it up as gently as I could, but she still called me ungrateful and accused me of "not appreciating all the hard work she does in the house." Now there's tension and she's acting cold towards me. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Novelsound said:

NTA, but you’re 15 years too late having this conversation.

Illustrious_Monk_234 said:

I think this is a conversation you should have had about 15 years ago. She could have been building her career all these years but she stayed at home to look after your kids. Now she has to go and get some minimum wage job at 37. Of course if you both agree you need the money then you can both do what you have to do.

But I think it’s not as simple as just saying “get a job.” You had the chance to build a career, that you (hopefully) enjoyed and took some pride in. She’s lost that chance by giving up all these years to the kids.

Ballistic_86 said:

NTA. But let’s face some reality, a 37 yr old woman with zero work experience is going to be working jobs that are difficult, bad, and horrible paying. She’s not a 37 yr old looking for a job, she is basically a 17 yr old looking for a job.

What is the goal of her getting the job? Keep her busy? Make some money? Benefits? Nothing she is qualified, or will be hired, for will do anything but keep her busy. The money will be shit, the benefits will not come close to your TRICARE benefits, and it will most certainly be an unpleasant experience for her.

I’d say you aren’t the ahole, but nothing about an entry level job will be good for either of you. If you are planning on staying around your military post try to get her a job with one of the family orgs. Many of the spouses when I was in did FRG and whatnot.

nikki57 said:

If you two decided early on that she would be the stay at home parent and you would work, you have to be able to understand why she's upset you suddenly want to reverse those roles and have her work while you stay home.

Women who stay home when kids are young sacrifice a lot, this shouldn't be a situation of you saying welp I'm retired so I'm just going to take over your role and force you to work. That is absolutely not a great way to approach it and it's super crappy.

SAHM is the equivalent of her career and you think you can just pop right in and bounce her out because you're retiring young. If you're retiring and you two jointly need more money that should be a joint discussion to figure out how to best meet the financial needs of the family going forward.

_b-i-n-g-o_ said:

NTA. Probably a good time to have a sit down discussion to make sure you’re both on the same page. I’m sure she does more than shop and get her nails done, and that’s probably what set her off. Sit down and talk like adults- ask her what her normal days look like, and let her know you’re not at home and you literally want to know because she made the comment of “appreciating everything she does.”

So what is that exactly? And are those things she could also do while working some hours during the week? Communication will be key with this conversation, and stand your ground.

You’ve been working, and yes when she was at home with the kids while they were younger and needed attention, she was absolutely working as well. But the kids are older and self-sufficient, they don’t need an adult around anymore (and haven’t for quite some time). She’s probably freaked out with the thought of change- but hey it’s time to adult!

Wild-Operation-2122 said:

YTA. She's been out of the workforce that no worthwhile job is going to want to hire her. That's why they say that SAHMs quite literally give up any career. I had a former coworker that never had to work until her husband died. She got stuck working in fast food because no one else will hire her.