'AITA for telling my wife when I came home from combat duty that all I wanted is a quiet time?'
"AITA for telling my wife when I came home from combat duty that all I wanted is a quit time in a clean room?"
I (30M) live in a country with ongoing war. In this phase, every few months the men go to a combat assignment of a month or two and then come back home to our regular jobs.
At the beginning (when it was much longer deployments and everything was new) it was very special to come home and everybody celebrated it, but now after years of war it's kind of a regular thing. I'm a person who really need his quiet time and clean space, and war is nothing but these two.
It's messy and disgusting and noisy and overwhelming. Last time I came home, my wife (29F) came to pick me up from the bus station and we got into the house together and when I got inside it was super messy and I looked miserable. She asked me what is going on, and I said (without thinking) that "the one thing that I missed the most is a quiet time in a clean room."
She said in a joking-not-joking tone that she thought the thing I missed the most was her (which is actually true, TBH) and looked disappointed. We never spoke about this event again, but every now and than I remember it and feel like a shitty husband. Some relevant details: We don't have kids so it's just us. I love her very much and really missed her.
We are a modern couple: we both work 50~ hours a week, and separates all the households chores and errands between us equally. This means that when I'm not around for over a month she needs to deal with all the things alone and her intensive job, but when she went to business trips I always tried to clean everything in the last days so she will come to a clean house with a homemade meal.
She never said I was an AH, but I feel that this really hurt her and I'm really mad at myself. Am I the AH? Is it a good idea to bring this up 4 months after the events in question and apologize?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Morgaine125 wrote:
NAH, in part because I’m giving a big pass for the fact that the background to this is war deployments. It’s not wrong for you to have a preference, and she’s not wrong either for not keeping everything spotless while she’s managing everything in your absence. One thing that jumped out at me, though, is when you compared your deployments to her business trips.
Those are not the same thing. While you are deployed, she is juggling her demanding job and all of the household work while also having the stress of her spouse being in a war zone. That’s very different from your spouse just being on a business trips.
That’s not in any way minimizing what you are experiencing being the one actually in the war zone, but it means you both need to be giving each other as much grace and kindness as possible.
AnarachoBabyGirl42069 wrote:
My aunt who is getting a divorce, has a husband who is away for work for about 6 months a year, they are getting a divorce because every time he comes home all he does is complain about the house being messy and isolate himself in his office. He expects her to put her whole life on hold once he arrives to accommodate him.
She runs the household entirely by herself half the year and also works and has a lot on her hands taking care of my grandma but he doesn't see any of that. He does see how she's struggling or her humanity. He just sees a messy house when he gets home and gets mad that inconveniences him slightly.
Xapphire wrote:
NAH. But talk to your wife. Tell her how much you miss her when you're away. Tell her you appreciate that her life is more difficult when you're away too. Tell her about the chaos of war, and what you need to transition from soldier to civilian. Tell her it's not her fault or your fault; it's the war that is doing this to the both of you.
LittleMsWhoops wrote:
NAH. It’s never a bad idea to apologize for something, even if it happened 4 months ago. I’m sure she’ll also be glad to hear that yes, you do actually miss her the most, but you just need a clean, quiet space to decompress so you can also come home emotionally, not just physically. You can also ask her about her needs, and see if there is a compromise to be found.
Usernamechecksout78 wrote:
NAH. But your wife isn't one either.
I can't imagine what you're forced to go through, having to fight in a war, and spending months risking your life.
But just remember this: Just because your wife isn't fighting in the war doesn't mean she isn't suffering, too. She may be working hard every day, and then when she wants to clean the house at night, she just might be crippled with the fear that something has happened to you. Just remember, you're a team - work with your wife on this situation, not against her.
Oldzookeepergame2394 wrote:
NAH I think the fact that this is still on your mind and bugging you means you should apologize to your wife. War is hard on everyone, I can’t imagine what it would be like for either of you day in and day out especially when you’re deployed.
Tell her how much you love her and have a date night in or something that equally gives you quality time to shower each other in love. Wishing you safety on your next deployment.
GodSentTyrant wrote:
I’m an American War Vet. Mosul, Iraq specifically. Nobody understands unless they are there. Just apologize to her and let her know she’s what keeps you alive out there. But, all the feelings you have are not invalid, if you want quiet time in a room, you should have it. However, you need to at least make things right with her. Don’t harbor that guilt or let her feel unappreciated.