'AITA for telling my wife I changed my mind and no longer want to have kids with her?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife I no longer want children?"
I'm not sure why I'm making this post, I already feel like I'm TA here. Guess I'll start with Backstory. I(27M) married my wife(25F), a little over 2 years ago. At first we lived with her parents, I would help out a lot to make up for what was obviously subsidized rent. Then 6 months into marriage she got accepted into University at a place 3 hours away, so we got our own place.
My wife struggles with a lot of mental illness so her just getting into University is a big accomplishment, and I support her. We would regularly argue about the amount of work she puts into the house. I work 40 hours a week and she would be full-time at University. At first it was whoever had cooked didn't have to clean the kitchen.
Then she stopped cleaning the kitchen after I would cook, so I now clean the kitchen, even when she makes herself lunch while I'm at work. Then she stopped cooking dinner entirely, so now I also do all the dinner cooking.
We would pick up after ourselves in regards to the living area, she had stopped doing that so now I come home and pick up after her. I would handle dusting vacuuming the living area, and she would handle the bathroom. She stopped cleaning the bathroom and I'm sure you get the idea by now.
It all came to a head in an extremely large fight 2 months ago, where I told her things need to change as I am literally doing all the housework and working 40 hours a week to provide for us. She was apologetic and promised me that it was just because of school and after her finals were over things would change.
She finished her finals last week, all B's I am very proud of her, but nothing has changed. I'm not even sure what she is doing while I'm at work but I come home every day to her having not cleaned up after herself in anyway and nothing taken care of.
So here is where I think I'm TA, she had a pregnancy scare yesterday, after she thought she had missed her period. I knew she wasn't because I was apparently keeping a more accurate track of her period than she was. But she asked me what I would want to name our hypothetical child, and I told her that honestly I don't want to have a child with her, as I can't trust her to take care of it.
She is now saying I'm an @$$hole, and that I tricked her, since kids were on the table when we got married, it's cruel to take that away from her.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say, and OP's responses:
SeemsOddAnyway said:
You are absolutely an @$$hole for your insensitive and harsh delivery. You’re not an @$$hole for changing your mind about wanting children or even if you just want to put it off the table for now, but you cannot expect to lash out at her like this in a patronizing way and for her not to be upset. She should be. Especially considering the fact that you are aware of her mental illness. This is such a slap in the face for her, I am sure.
That being said, I don’t blame you for feeling differently based on having actually lived together independently now and better understanding her habits/behaviours. She isn’t pulling her weight now and likely wouldn’t especially with a child in the picture. You need to work on that together before seriously considering having a child. ESH
MitRialb said:
ESH. She should be doing more around the house for sure. Especially after promising you it would change. But the way you phrased your response to an innocuous question about a baby name is just... so out of left field and off base.
OP responded:
It was wrong, and I worry for myself how much of my comment was spite. I wasn't raised by the nicest person and I've put a lot of effort into distancing myself from that kind of behavior.
Marynotpoppins said:
NTA. And I only say this because I can understand where your coming from. I had an ex who wanted to have a child with me, I would be constantly 'mothering' him because he couldnt/wouldn't do anything for himself. I also told him I did not want to have a child with him, so I can empathize with that.
However, I feel like your wife might need some help. Mental health can have a huge impact on personal & environmental hygiene. I have days where putting the bin out is a massive achievement. But if she is doing this all the time then she may need to see a GP to get some advice & help.
OP responded:
I do love her, and I am so proud of what she's accomplished. She currently sees a therapist once a week and she tells me they're working on her doing things but it's all gotten worse and I feel like I'm enabling her.
LikeAfterSummer said:
ESH- that’s a very bold thing of you to say, and it sounds like it was said out of spite rather than genuine concern. Your wife obviously needs therapy or some kind of professional help. And she does need to pull her weight. But are comments like that really helping or just making things worse?
OP responded:
She attends therapy once a week, she has told me they are working on her doing more. I've just been hearing that for over a year, as things progressively got worse. I do agree that what I said was wrong and not helpful, I've attempted to speak with her, but she is unwilling.
PuffyPinkCow1 said:
NTA But you might want to reevaluate your relationship. You're already doing everything. She needs therapy though.
OP responded:
She's in therapy once a week. At this point out conversations are me asking her to just do the bare minimum of throwing away her own trash and putting her dishes in the sink.
hu-kers-newhey said:
Your wife should be doing more around the house (advice I need to take 🤣🤣) but you should also explain the reasoning for your decision and probably should have talked to her about this when it first started happening.
And OP responded:
I was talking to her, but it was always the same conversation until recently. I tell her I need her to do more, she says she's trying and promises it will be better soon. At this point the recent conversation is just me telling her I need her to do the bare minimum. Like just throw away the soda can. Just put your plate in the sink before the dog gets it.
He later shared this brief update:
I have talked it all over with my wife, and we are making some changes to her treatment plan that she acknowledges just wasn't working. As for her judgement on it. I was TA for how I said it and where it was said from, but she agrees with what I said? She said that's why it hurt, because she felt like I wasn't wrong. We're working on it, and I think we're gonna be okay.