'AITA for telling my wife her decision to become a SAHM is making me lose attraction and respect for her?'
When this man is upset with his wife, he asks the internet:
"AITA for telling my wife her decision to become a stay-at-home-mom is making me lose attraction and respect for her?"
I'm really struggling with something and could use some perspective. I (34M) have been married to my wife (32F) for six years. We both have college degrees and work full-time jobs. We don’t have any kids yet, but we’ve been talking about starting a family soon.
Recently, my wife told me she wants to quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom once we have kids. This completely blindsided me because she’s always been so career-driven and ambitious. Her job has been a huge part of her life and identity, and she’s worked incredibly hard to get to where she is.
I tried to understand her perspective. She said she wants to be there for our kids and provide them with a stable upbringing, which I respect. However, I have to admit that I’m really not okay with this plan for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, I don’t want to be the sole breadwinner. The financial pressure of supporting our family on my income alone is overwhelming. We’ve built a certain lifestyle together, and maintaining that on one salary would be extremely challenging.
Secondly, and this is the harder part to admit, I’m losing attraction to her because of this sudden lack of ambition. When we first got together, her drive and determination were some of the things I admired most about her.
The thought of her giving up her career to stay at home makes me feel like she’s letting go of a huge part of what made me fall in love with her. It’s not just about the money; it’s about the shared values and goals we had.
When I told her this, she was really hurt. She said I wasn’t being supportive of her desires and that being a stay-at-home mom is a natural and fulfilling role for her. While I respect stay-at-home parents, I never saw that as part of our plan.
I was honest with her and said that her decision is making me lose respect for her, and that if she follows through with it, I’m seriously considering divorce.
She thinks I’m being unreasonable and unsupportive, but I can’t shake the feeling that this is a fundamental incompatibility.
So, AITA for telling my wife that I’m losing respect and attraction for her because she wants to become a stay-at-home mom and considering divorce if she follows through with it?
Readers were torn, let's take a look:
sagh12 writes:
NTA. Ideally, this is something that should've been discussed before marriage, but the main thing is you've discussed it BEFORE any children are in the picture.
Everyone has preferences. You are allowed to have yours, and so is your wife. How she feels on this subject probably isn't going to change, and it probably won't change for you either. If she goes back to work because of your feelings about it, she'll resent you for it. If she stays home, you'll probably resent her for it.
You're already considering divorce before children are in the picture, so it probably is the better option. You shouldn't have children with someone who you are so unsure about. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to you and it certainly wouldn't be fair to a child.
ghyooul writes:
Ya, I didn't expect it, but YTA. Let me start by saying it is totally fine to not want a partner who stays at home. I wouldn't want to be fully financially responsible for my partner, and I think it would breed resentment in me. It is also fine to desire ambition and success in a partner.
The two of you probably should have spoken about how you each planned to raise children before getting married. So neither of you are the AH, or you both are, for missing that important conversation about kids before joining your lives together.
Where you become the asshole here is tying work to ambition, and after 6 years of marriage, having such a large part of your attraction to your wife be tied up in her...job?
If you married her with the idea that you two were going to be together forever, then there should also be an understanding that life is full of ups and downs.
One of you (or both of you) over the course of your lives was going to be laid off or between jobs, have health issues that impact work and physical ability, take time off to care for aging relatives, etc.
And then there is the reality of what it is like to have children. How were you planning on two ambitious careers and children? Sure, plenty of people do it so I am in no way judging, but a valid question for BOTH of you to tackle together is what does raising kids look like.
She get maternity leave, how quickly does she need to go back to work after having a baby in order for you to be "attracted" to her? Do you appreciate any concerns she may have about sending a 6 month old (for example) to full time day care.
Do you know the cost of infant day care? Who is going to be responsible to take off from work when the child(ren) is sick? Who goes to parent teacher conferences, who takes the kid(s) to activities and who schedules those activities?
Plenty of people make it work, both because they have to or they prefer to, and there are sacrifices made regardless of how people decide to work and raise children.
What you have done here to make you the AH, is to decide that being a stay at home parent is a lack of ambition, as opposed to an incredible opportunity for your children and family, and that if you don't agree with your wife, you are less attracted to her.
I guess the good part is your wife has learned how shaky the foundation of your love is, and better for her to know that before she ties herself to you with a kid.
By the way, I am a childless woman for some of the same reasons you probably don't want your wife to be a SAHM. But I also didn't marry someone with the idea of having children without thinking at all about how to raise them.
phtcam writes:
NTA, I can’t really help you much with the second issue. That’s something pretty internal that doesn’t always translate for others, didn’t for me. But to the financial point, I can relate. I’ve been the sole earner for most of my kids three lives.
Having kids is going to change your lifestyle, regardless of who is working. Have an honest discussion about this. And do the math on the likely financial impact. Child care is a huge expense. Not having to pay it is a plus.
Not having work related commute, wardrobe, lunch expenses is a savings. Will she cook and clean and possibly eliminate expenses around takeout meals and cleaning service (if you had one)?
Can you scale back to one vehicle and eliminate the cost of the second? You will probably need to make some adjustments, but from a financial standpoint, things might not be as bleak as you think. A bigger piece is will she be happy with the decision? Will she want to go back to work when the kids go to school?
Would she be okay with the career setback that will reveal? Your income should continue to grow (18 years later, mine is 4-5x what it was before kids). Retirement savings take a hit, and college will be a big expense solo, but it can all work out. But you definitely need to be on the same page.
bepsin writes:
NAH- however, I do think you are overreacting a tad bit. First- Did the two of you sit down with numbers and go over logistics of how long she wants to be a sah parent? What are the financial ramifications of that plan, including the likely hood that she will be able to role back into her career when she is ready?
Second- changing her desires and goals does not make her less ambitious, she is shifting her focus. What are her hopes/dreams/goals of being the sahp? I think you are slightly the A H, by making the assumption that someone who gives up or pauses a career to care for their family lacks ambition.
Find out what instigated this. If she truly is an ambitious person with a plan, I highly doubt she just said “whelp, don’t feel like working anymore. I’m just going to pop out some babies, eat Bon bons and watch my stories while OP supports me”
Eta: since you don’t have children yet, it is possible that the two of you start saving now to cover “her half” of the expenses for the time she will be a sahp, don’t start trying for a kid until you have that amount saved. This should help with the financial pressure.
homeche writes:
I'll provide a different perspective here. Working full time outside the home and raising children is challenging. She probably knows you won't be helping with your children because you are self centered.
As far as no longer being attracted to her, SAHM will be using her sexy drive, determination, and management skills on the next generation... your biological children. I understand your issue with being the sole financial provider but you can live on less.
You will save the money which is expenses associated with her working outside the home. She will probably want to return to work in the future either part time or full time. So, YTA.
legithu writes:
NTA. I grew up with two working parents and turned out fine. They both took turns with cooking etc. if one of them was made redundant it wasn’t a drama because of them both working they had enough savings to cover expenses until they got a new job.
As they both had jobs they could afford to take me and my brother on holiday every year and arrange surprise trips to Disneyland with no financial pressure on either of them and you could see how happy they were about it, both worked 37 hours per week with weekends off.
If one of them was a full-time parent it would have definitely been a struggle financially and I liked spending equal time with my parents.
No judgement against stay at home parents but if being a stay at home parent puts financial pressure on the other parent that’s working it’s unfair.
agah88 writes:
YTA definitely. This is exactly what’s wrong with the modern world. Men want women to be mothers wives and career women when that’s an impossible kind of pressure, being a stay at home is full time work only you don’t clock out. Secondly, you aren’t characters on a television show.
You married a woman, not a lawyer, chef, singer whatever. If your loyalty only goes as far as her maintaining exactly who she was and what she wanted the day you all got married, you are an extremely fickle person.
Marriage is not a joke, it’s a series of sacrifices and God forbid she had other circumstances like illness or if you had a disabled child, the fact that you are this fickle means you really aren’t ready to be a parent.
Life happens, and if this is your very low limit for “better or for worse, sickness or health” and youre already bringing up divorce, you don’t have a marriage you had a wedding.