'AITA for telling my wife I want us to stop paying for her mother's medication?'
"AITA for telling my wife I don't want to help with her mother's medication?"
My wife, stay at home mom, (F34) and I (M30) have been paying for my MIL's medication maintenance for more than 5 years now.
Based on recent events and discoveries, I told her that I want to stop any support.
-My wife was a widow. She was married to a really old guy. She got married at 18 years old. I recently discovered that my in laws pushed her to marry the guy for money so they can pay their loans. She was young then and had no choice. I never thought of my wife as a gold digger since she worked for herself and never depended on the guy's money.
Even after he died, my wife decided to not get a single cent and let his children have 100% of the guys money and properties. My in laws just pushed her so they can get their loans paid.
-My SIL borrowed a significant amount of money from us to have her roof fixed. We had an agreement that they would pay this loan monthly for 1 year. She hasn't paid regularly. I would understand if they were on financial troubles and would gladly extend the agreement.
They have money to spend on their vices: alcohol, gambling, etc. but they can't pay us. After this incident, we decided to stop lending her money. She then told everyone we're selfish and arrogant.
-We bought a house and needed some help with renovation and moving in. My in laws helped out but are always expecting money in return. It got to the point that my Father In Law would complain that he's not getting enough from us and decided to just stop helping us move in. After this happened, they started to bad mouth as to the rest of my wife's family. Telling them we're ungrateful.
-We sold our previous house and got some money out of it. I told my wife that we should allocate some of it for her parents' health emergency fund. Her siblings don't have stable jobs and resources(and has vices).
I wanted to be prepared just in case something happens to her parents. I didn't want to get any money from our family's savings. Now, the emergency fund is gone because they kept asking money that weren't really for health emergencies. I feel super bad about this since I don't even have an emergency fund for my own parents
-My in laws are planning not to give my wife any inheritance. They'll only give it to my SIL. It's not super big, we don't even need it. I feel bad because after all the things that my wife did for them, she's not even part of their plans.
My wife started blocking their financial requests. My wife has been really open to me as well, letting me know every cent that goes out of our pockets.
Lastnight, I've told my wife I no longer want to help them in any way including her mother's medication maintenance and she got hurt. She told me she understands if I dont want to help her family financially but I should atleast be willing to help her mother's medication since this would greatly affect her health. AITA for telling her this?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
csdude5 said:
NTA, I think. It's complicated. The way you described it the in-laws are the AHs here, but you've made a lot of assumptions about their feelings. And you're making decisions based on those assumptions.
Unsolicited advice from someone that's in a similar position? What you're suggesting is going to either alienate your wife from her family, or alienate her from you. Neither outcome is good for you.
This really needs to be your wife's decision, and you stay out of it. Support whatever she decides (within reason), even if you think that the in-laws are taking advantage of her. You can tell your wife what you think, of course, but make it clear that the choice is ultimately up to her. And then whatever she decides... just do it.
If you flat refuse to help with her mom's medication, and then she dies? Your wife isn't going to forgive you, man.
OP responded:
Thank you. I love my wife very much and I would not like to do anything that would jeopardize our relationship. Do you think it would help if we talk to them just so we can understand where they're coming from? Or atleast be able to set some boundaries? Or should I just talk to my wife about it and let her decide?
Malice_A4thot said:
NAH. I would leave SIL out of this - she’s her own person and not relevant to the matter at hand. “Now, the emergency fund is gone because they kept asking money that weren't really for health emergencies.” Who kept giving them emergency money for non-emergencies? Who controls that fund?
CheckIntelligent7828 said:
NTA. But I would really work at finding some sort of compromise with your wife on this. If your MIL gets sicker or dies your marriage will probably be destroyed. Could you agree to pay 100% of the meds for 3-6 months, 75% for 3 months, 50% for 3 months, 25% for 3 months, and then nothing ever again after that? Help your ILs slowly get used to the cost?
Or could she tell them that you will keep paying only if they add repayment into their wills? (And you see the wills. And yes, they could change them later. But that takes work and they sound like that's not their favorite thing) Or offer to keep paying for the medication as the ONLY gift they ever get from you? Every occasion gets a card only moving forward? (And I'd tell them this, so they're aware).
Parental care is tough. You don't love them like she does. I will say, I don't work (I'm disabled) and I will be eternally grateful my husband paid for the help my dad needed after he got dementia. If my dad has died homeless I'm not sure I could have lived with myself. Good luck! Q1
bag_of_chips_ said:
NTA and neither is your wife. I can understand both of your points of view. It is worth weighing the consequences. Will your in laws be able to figure it out if you stop supporting them with this?
OP responded:
I don't think my in laws have the capability to support their own medication now.
TouristOld8415 said:
NTA. Your wife's family is just using her.
embopbopbopdoowop said:
NAH between you and your wife. Your in-laws are raging AHs though. If your wife has gotten strong at blocking their constant requests for money, and she’s adamant she wants to keep providing for medications, I think you support her decision on this as long as you can afford it as a family.
If this isn’t already your arrangement, I’d stipulate you have to pay for them directly. Your money goes to healthcare providers or pharmacies directly, and only for things prescribed by doctors, and you get receipts - her parents don’t just ask for the funds and get it.