'AITA For telling my wife she's free to find a hotel if she doesn't want my daughter here?' Updated 2X
"AITA For telling my wife she's free to find a hotel if she doesn't want my daughter here?"
Foreign_Friend8971
*English is not this author's first language. The text has been slightly adjusted grammatically to improve clarity.
My daughter Ana is 16 years, she was an 'accident' when I was 24, Ana's mother and I were never together as a couple 'cause it was a one-night stand but we have maintained friendly and healthy co-parenting since she was born and we became good friends.
My daughter has been living on another continent for a few years with her mother and stepfather, but she wants to comeback because she doesn't feel comfortable there and misses her family and friends.
Ana doesn't know their lenguage well and it's still hard for her to learn it fully so she feels really lonely there since it is different to speak your native language than to make friends by speaking a foreign language from 0.
I spoke with my daughter's mother and we thought it was a good idea to let Ana live with me. Her room is now my home office but I can easily put together a room for her again. We didn't confirm anything. I talked to my wife about it first and I was sure that she was going to be okay with that because we literally talked about that possibility before.
The problem is that my wife doesn't want that to happen, my wife and Ana have never been close because they only meet in person for our wedding when I was able to pay a ticket for my daughter to come (That was the last time I saw my daughter in person too, plane tickets are too expensive).
But they do tend to talk a little bit when I make video calls with Ana everyday but not too much. Ana also talks to her brother and he likes her a lot even if they just see each other in video call.
My wife says Ana is not going to feel comfortable in a house with strangers and I told her that we are literally her family and she said no, she and our toddler are not Ana's family because they barely knows her in person.
It honestly hurts me that she thinks that way but I understand her point of view, altough our toddler IS Ana's brother and it really annoyed me that she said that because our little one really loves his sister even if they just see each other online.
I had an argument with my wife about it and I ended up telling her that my daughter will always come first of all, because it's true, for me my children will always come before any other person and she knew very well about my daughter when we married.
My wife got angry and said that bringing Ana home would change how we handle ourselves and that she doesn't want to be a stepmother, she said that Ana lived with her mother in another continent so it's not the same as having her right here everyday.
I told her that no one is asking her to be a stepmother because I will be the one who take care of her as always (My daughter used to stay many days and even months with me and I was the one who took care of her, I'm not going to give my wife all the work because I was a 'single father' for a long time and I know how to take care of my daughter.
I work, I clean, I cook, I take full care of our son when she works and wants to go out and do something just like she does with me. We both support each other in raising our son.
I don't know why many people are so shocked about the fact that I take responsabilidad of my own child) but that if she doesn't respect my daughter's presence in the house and hates it that much then she has all the freedom to go to a hotel room.
I was a big idiot because those words obviously ended up really bad and we had a worse argument. My daughter has every right to live in my house if she wants but my wife doesn't wants that, I really love my wife but my biggest focus is to give the best to my children and I would love to have my princess here after years.
My wife hasn't been talking to me at all and she's very angry, but she does continue with the same stance that she doesn't want Ana here at all and I know i will get angry and we will end up arguing again because I'm not going to leave my daughter alone neither.
Edit: My wife always knew that Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong.
That would have meant that Ana would come back to live with me for many days or even months like she always did, my daughter used to come to my house everyday too. My wife agreed with that years ago when we talked about that, but now admits that she thought my daughter was going to stay out of the country with her mother because their business is going really well.
Edit2: Guys, I've been reading the comments non-stop for two hours and I have too much to think about. Thank you very much for the advice, whether bad or good this is helping me to reflect on several things that I did not take into account. But please don't be so harsh because I'm a real person haha.
Here were the top rated comment from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Bewitchingchick
Your wife doesn’t want to be a stepmother. Full stop. 🛑 She doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. She’s going to be awful to her. I would reevaluate my relationship had anyone told me this. The fact this woman doesn’t realize she IS a stepmother already is absolutely insane.
horrorbepis
Yeah, I feel like people might get confused. Not wanting to be a step parent? Totally understandable and fine. You just met someone, they have kids, you’re like “Oh, that’s not where I want to go. I don’t want to be a stepdad” totally fine. You marry someone with a child already and a weird living schedule and arrangements and you don’t “want” to be a stepmom? Gigantic red flag.
ProfPlumDidIt
Tbh, your marriage is over. Your wife openly doesn't want your daughter around and, even if she claims to change her mind to keep the marriage, it would be a lie. Even if she tried to pretend, people pick up on it when they aren't wanted or liked, so your daughter would literally feel your wife's dislike. You cannot bring your daughter into a home with your wife. It would harm her.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with an update.
"(UPDATE) AITAH For telling my wife she's free to find a hotel room if she doesn't want my daughter here?"
Foreign_Friend8971
First of all I want to clarify that I am from a third world country, here it is really expensive to get a plane ticket and if I travel I must do it with my wife and our son too so it is TOO much money that we cannot pay.
I let my daughter's mother take her to another country because like every father, I want her to have better life opportunities, I don't think that makes me a bad father but I guess the minds that have always lived in privilege don't understand. The last time I could afford some tickets was for my daughter to come to the wedding. Not all of us have the privilege of paying for a plane flight.
I've been thinking a lot and in fact I'm the AH because of the way I treated my wife, Even if most of the comments agreed with me, I don't think it was right to say that to the woman I love even though I was angry.
I apologized to her for what I said and the way I said it but I told her that I don't like it when she ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I try to talk about our issues and the fact that she denied the familiarity between our son and daughter was just cruel, she apologized for it and said she was angry and said things she regret.
I made it clear to her that Anna is coming because no one can forbid any of my children to live with me, Not only morally, but legally I am totally obligated to give my daughter and son a house, she tried to argue but I asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refuses to let our son live with me just because she didn't sign up for it.
I asked her if she would appreciate a man who abandons his children for a woman more than a man who cares about his children, if she would feel confident knowing that she is married to a man who abandons his children that easily.
My wife said no, that obviously she knows how much I care about our children and hates the kind of mans who abandons their kids, that she knew she wanted to have a child with me because she saw how even though my daughter was so far away I made video calls to her every day and we always help each other with things around the house.
Then I asked her why she rejects the idea of my daughter being here and she admitted being jealous of Anna, it is something that I have noticed in the past. For example, for one of my daughter's birthday I sent money to her mother to buy her a dress that was quite expensive and my wife just said 'I guess you will buy our son something just as expensive'.
It was my mistake to let those comments pass and think they were just a weird joke. She said that she doesn't want my daughter to come and took time away from our son.
That bothered me and I told her that if we had two children my time would also be divided and that as a father I can give the same attention to both. Changing our routine doesn't have to be a negative thing and she knows that Ana is not a problem teenager.
We talked a lot And I explained to her that I just want to make everything work for both of us, I apologized if I made her feel bad with the way I treated her, and I told her that I want to really hear what things are bothering her so we can understand each other better.
We agreed to have better dialogue and communication about this kind of things. My wife admitted that her jealousy is wrong and feels embarrassed about it but it's how she feels and she feels awful for feeling like that.
I told her that feeling isn't right, being jealous of my daughter isn't right and I told her that it would be okay to start going to the psychologist if we want to fix this because I'm not going to leave my daughter live in a place where she doesn't feel loved.
My wife accepted after talking about it a lot these days and she wants to work on herself about that because doesn't like feeling like that about a little girl and knows it's wrong.
My wife and daughter always had a nice treatment, when I make video calls with Anna, my wife talks a little but not that much, I think my mistake was not offering for my wife to make video calls alone with Anna like Anna does with my toddler. My daughter really likes my wife and calls her 'auntie' even if they don't know each other too well, so I don't want her to know how my wife really feels about her.
I offered my wife to teach her how to play the same video game I play with my daughter so they can play together and get to know each other more, I know Ana would love that! They both have a lot of same intereses, she accepted and said she loves me and wants to try it for me and for our toddler.
If I leave my wife I would be breaking my son's house, he's my baby too and the last thing I want is letting adult matters affect him, I don't want to do that and I love this woman, I want this to work and I'm going to do my part for it but the first moment she treats my daughter badly, I will end things with her and I clarified that to her and she was right with that and promised me to work on this.
I still haven't confirmed anything to Ana's mother about the date on which our daughter can come since I need to fix the room for her first and I want my wife and little girl to get to know each other better, talking about it with my psychologist, he told me that the best thing is always to get them closer little by little before Ana comes to live here.
This last four days my wife and Ana have been talking longer and I told Ana that we could teach my wife how to play with us, Ana feels really comfortable talking with my wife and they started talking about random things which I feel out of because I don't understand about the things they talk about, but I'm pretty glad to see that they actually have things to talk about.
I suppose a lot of people are going to call me an idiot for not divorcing my wife because that was what most of the comments told me, but it's not all that simple as "Yeah, we argued so let's get divorced and have 50/50 of custody". And I personally think it's been better for us to have spoken up like mature people instead of just getting divorced.
Seeing that my wife has opened up to me and is trying to work things out, I prefer to give this a second chance and hope that she can see my daughter as her friend and even as her family if she allows it to herself. "Your wife is going to treat your daughter badly".
No one can read the future to say that but I can work to make that future not happen, in the meantime I prefer to maintain a positive approach since my wife has never behaved badly with my daughter and my daughter knows that if she feels uncomfortable.
She knows she can talk about it with her mom, stepdad, or me as we always teach her to talk to us about anything that makes her uncomfortable. Ana has a sharp tongue so I doubt she'll stay quiet if my wife makes any comments that make her uncomfortable.
I'm not going to force them to be bestfriends, I want them both to flow on their own. I'm also not going to use my daughter as a free babysitter as many in the comments suggested as a supposed solution And both she and her brother can live in this house as long as they want.
A little over a month later, the OP returned with their final update.
"(UPDATE) AITAH For telling my wife she's free to find a hotel room if she doesn't want my daughter here?"
Foreign_Friend8971
I didn't really think about updating again but I remembered that I have the account and I thought "Why not?" since I have free time in this moment while I take care of my toddler.
My daughter and my wife's relationship is going very well, they both make video calls to watch some series together that they both like, they have even started to have inside jokes that I don't understand but I think that's something good although to be honest now I feel a little left out (just joking).
My wife has been going to the psychologist (and me too, I want both of us to get better together) to work on her insecurities and problems because she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all and a few weeks ago she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized.
My daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her. I left them talking alone that day so they have privacy and after that they have had a closer bond, my wife said that my daughter told her that she will always respect someone who is sincere and wants to be a better person.
In the previous post many said that I decided to bring my daughter without talking about it with my wife before but that's LITERALLY what I did, I never confirmed anything to the mother of my daughter until I spoke with my wife (I was never the partner of my daughter's mother, Btw. Many comments mentioned her as my ex wife but we were never anything).
The talk about bringing my daughter back was paused because I wanted them to know each other better before living all together but my wife started to talk about how she wants to decorate the bedroom and rejected all my ideas because they're too "boring for a girl" So she's having fun re-decorating the room with our toddler who's really happy to see his sister in person.
We still didn't arranged a date because my daughter's mother have to talk with her high school for the problems there and everything and I have to prepare everything here too but all is going well step by step.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
kam49ers4ever
Thanks for the update. It’s nice to hear that things are going well.
Muted_Piccolo278
Well done on supporting your wife as she navigates her new role and giving them time to get to know each other.
SukunasStan
Dude, I know people in America who can't afford a $1,000 plane ticket. Even if we don't factor in that his earnings are in pesos, how do you forget that poor people, working class people who have nothing after bills and living expenses for their family, people who work retail, people who actually live paycheck to paycheck, exist!?
ranchspidey
Blending families can be extremely difficult so I hope for the best for everyone here.
ChrisInBliss
Happy things are improving! Hope whenever she moves in with you everything stays good. Also dont stop the therapy appointments whenever she comes. Your wife is going to need their help during that time. May it be with jealousy or just helping her interact in person with your daughter.