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'AITA for telling my wife I’m not in love with her anymore because she destroyed my self confidence a couple of years ago?'

'AITA for telling my wife I’m not in love with her anymore because she destroyed my self confidence a couple of years ago?'

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"AITA for telling my wife I’m not in love with her anymore because she destroyed my self confidence a couple of years ago?"

EvidenceNos

I (37M) have been married to my wife (36F) for 12 years, and we also have 2 children. A couple of years ago, I was admittedly going through some mental health issues, and I lost myself physically.

The work pressure was getting to me, and overall I just wasn’t feeling great. I gained some weight, I wasn’t going to gym, I was eating a lot. Our sex life rapidly declined and my wife constantly turned down my advances.

Deep down, I knew the issue was because she didn’t find me attractive anymore, and after asking her multiple times for the real reason for her rejections, she admitted that she couldn’t find me attractive anymore even though she loved me.

That was the single most damaging statement anyone had ever said to me, and my wife instantly said she didn’t mean it and apologized for saying that. But I told her it was ok. From then on, I stopped asking or initiating intimacy. My wife did initiate intimacy a couple of times, but I rejected it because I knew she was doing it out of guilt.

I started going to online therapy, which helped me massively. I started getting my diet in control, and also started going to the gym. It’s been a couple of years, and I am admittedly much more healthy both mentally and physically compared to a couple of years ago.

I am probably the most physically fit I have ever been in my life. I have learnt to not take work so seriously, and that has helped me a lot. However, my wife’s damaging statement still lives inside me.

We have not had intimacy since that statement, and my wife has initiated intimacy multiple times over the past few months, but I’ve rejected it every time. I just don’t feel emotionally safe around her.

I have also struck up a friendship at work with a co worker (35F) who said she went through similar issues after she gave birth to her baby. Her husband made a similar damaging statement about her body, and it has lived in her mind ever since.

She has explained that that is just not what love is, and it has opened my eyes. My wife gained a lot of weight after giving birth to our children, but I still loved her and found her attractive when she gained weight, and I probably loved her even more then.

My co worker made me realize that my wife was not someone I want to be with when I’m older, when I have grey hair, when I have wrinkles etc. Last night, my wife initiated intimacy, and I again rejected it.

I then told her I wanted to talk to her about something I was feeling. I just bluntly told her I was no longer in love with her. My wife was shocked, and she started crying and instantly left the room. The whole thing made me feel really guilty, seeing her cry like that.

Was I the AH? Should I have not said that?

I am not in love with her anymore, I just don’t know how else I could have said that to my wife.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

savinathewhite

Maybe I’m going against the grain here, but I think that while you are not an AH for feeling how you feel, I do think YTA for asking your wife a question, getting her honest response, and then turning that into an excuse to give up on your marriage. If your feelings were that damaged, you could have told her, and worked on your marriage with her, instead of bottling it up.

The fact that you’re emotionally cheating (if not physically) shows that you disconnected to your wife a long time ago and you haven’t said anything that indicates you even tried to save your marriage. You just felt hurt and gave up. That makes you an AH.

We all say things that we regret, we all say things that hurt sometimes. What we don’t do, is act like a child and punish our spouses for our own negative feelings - we work together to fix problems.

Several-Network-3776

I agree. Definitely an AH. Frankly he shouldn't have asked that question. He knew he was getting chubby and I'm sure his mental state didn't inspire attraction. Anyone here thinks all he cares about is him?

MarsupialMisanthrope

Not just his mental state, but the whole attitude we see in this post: badger her into confessing, then pout and sulk without communicating for years. If his wife has any sense, once she gets past the shock she’ll realize he’s done her a huge favor.

cthulularoo

Don't forget the cheating. He's doing all of this to give himself a pass on cheating.

Few_Lemon_4698

You are having an emotional affair with a co-worker. You are definitely the asshole. Your wife said she wasn't attracted to you, and it wasn't just due to weight, I'm guessing, but still loved you. Stood with you through your struggles.

You've gotten better, and now you just wana toss her aside because you are resentful because she told you the truth (that you asked for). Attraction comes and goes in long tern relationships.

It's what you do during these times that defines you. Was your wife as disloyal as you've been???? You should go grab her hug her a beg for forgiveness for being a gobshite to be honest.

Cherry_clafoutis

So you badgered your wife into admitting she didn't find you attractive while you were depressed, insecure and stressed. I don't want to be unkind OP but you don't sound like you were fun, engaging, supportive person to be around during this time.

I seriously doubt you had the mental spoons to be emotionally supportive and loving towards her. It is unlikely it was your weight that was killing her libido but you being miserable all the time.

I want to be clear that I am not saying you are irredeemable or a terrible person or that your mental health issues were not genuine. But I do think some honest self reflection is called for.

Your wife was definitely not perfect but you were not a peach of a husband either. Whether you work it out with her or not, you need to forgive her and recognise the part you also played or you will just repeat all the same mistakes in future relationships.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

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