'AITA for telling my wife I'm not going to sacrifice my hobbies just so that I can babysit?' + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my wife I'm not going to sacrifice my hobbies just so that I can babysit?"
Logical-Carpet-4381
My wife Jane (34F) and I (38M) have been together for 5 years. She also brought my stepdaughter Emily (9F) into our marriage. We have her for four days a week (M-T) while she's at her dad's Fri-Sun.
From the beginning, Jane told me Emily doesn't need a second father figure as she has her dad to fill that role. I was only supposed to be a trusted authority figure in case she ever needed anything.
I didn't mind and try my best to respect that boundary. She's a sweet child anyway and doesn't cause trouble so it's not like I have to discipline her. Her father is also a good dad.
Emily's dad recently got married and his wife has two kids of her own who are at their place Wednesday to Saturday and at their dads' Sunday to Tuesday. Emily and her new stepsiblings don't get along at all. They're always fighting and it's pretty toxic.
Emily's dad asked Jane if they change their custody schedule to match his stepkids' to keep the children apart. It's not a big deal in and of itself because we don't live far from each other so picking and dropping is no issue and she can easily be dropped off to school no matter where she stays.
The issue is my wife agreed to it without consulting me. Jane is currently doing a certification course for the next 12 months and they have classes on Saturdays from 9-5pm.
She asked me if I can babysit Emily on Saturdays, but I can't because I play golf with my brother and sister on Saturday mornings from 8am-1pm. This has been our tradition from before Jane and Emily came into my life and I had told Jane from much before that this is important to me and my siblings.
She asked if I can move to another day but that's not possible either because my siblings also have jobs and families of their own so Saturday was the best day for us. I told her she can hire a babysitter but she doesn't want to spend money when I can do it for free.
I told her that wouldn't work for me. She then got mad and said golf is stupid and I should put my stepdaughter over my siblings. That really made me angry, so I told her I'm not going to sacrifice my hobbies just so that she can have a free babysitter. For the record, I don't have anything against Emily. I've babysat her before and she's a good kid.
If there was a family emergency or if it was an occasional occurrence, then yeah I would cancel golf for that day to take care of her but I can't give up something this important to me for 12 months continuous. She called me a selfish AH and slept on the couch last night. So AITA?
The next day, the OP returned with a brief update:
Logical-Carpet-4381
I was want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words and voices of support. Emily deserves to feel cared for and not like a hot potato who no one wants. I spoke to my brother and his wife and they have offered to let Emily stay at their home on Saturday morning with their other children so that we can golf. My wife has also agreed, albeit reluctantly, to this arrangement.
I have also told her that this arrangement isn't tenable anymore. If she expects me to have parental responsibilities towards Emily, then she needs to treat me like another parent of her daughter. We are going to family counseling to see how we can make this work.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
mid40smomof3
You show great care towards Emily in acknowledging that how SHE feels should be highly considered. Her bio parents do not seem to be doing that. I think cousin time sounds great and could also help the two blended families feel more... well, blended. Counseling is the right call and I hope it helps.
Similar-Shame7517
Yeah OP's wife is the real AH here. You can't tell your partner "You're not my kid's parent" and then expect him to act like a parent when you need him to.
thatHecklerOverThere
Right. She'd been saying basically "you're just a babysitter" and then got mad when he said "you should have asked first; this babysitter doesn't do weekends". And even worse, she got mad at the idea of needing to find another sitter.
That strikes me as the dumbest part because that's what you do when both parents already have plans; you get a sitter if available, and you only cancel when you need to.
GothicGingerbread
I'm astonished that she was even still not happy about Emily going to OP's brother's house and staying with his wife and kids while they go play golf. What on earth is objectionable about that??
Presumably, OP's brother isn't charging them, Emily is not left unattended, OP gets to play golf with his siblings, and Jane gets to go to her classes – every need is met. What is wrong with Jane?? I can't help wondering if she has control issues.
DragonCelt25
Honestly, for the kiddo, what is the point of Saturday being mom custody time if the mom isn't even there? Why is the dad ok with that? Why is that not a daddy-daughter day so they're out of the house while the stepmom's kiddos are there? The mom seems ok with it being a stepdaughter-stepdad day; why not just remove the step and her be with her dad?
nugslyriumandrifts
"My wife has also agreed, albeit reluctantly, to this arrangement."
The hell is there for her to object to? She gets to go to her class, and there's no money going towards a sitter for her daughter. Is she mad because it's not OP watching her?
Jac918
All he did was respect her wishes on child rearing. She didn’t want him helping raise her child, when he was willing to help. I think it’s rude she now is forcing a parental role on him. Pick a lane.