'AITA For telling my wife to take time off work if she wants time for herself?'
"AITA For telling my wife to take time off work if she wants time for herself?"
youhavetimeaita
My wife (40F) and I (39M) have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids (9 & 7). We both work full time, but I have got promoted about 3 months ago that required a change to my work hours. I used to have the same standard M-F hours as my wife.
But my new role has me working 10-hour shifts Thursday-Sunday. This promotion came with a pretty substantial pay raise as well. My wife and I discussed how my change in hours would affect our family's day-to-day lives, but we both agreed it would be worth it for the additional income.
I use my time off on Monday-Wednesday to do pretty much all the family shopping, errands, cleaning, laundry, and have even been able to make substantial progress on some long put-off home projects.
I also cook dinners and prep weekly lunches for the kids and my wife. The additional income is becoming noticeable as well as we haven't had this much in our savings account in years.
A few weeks ago, my wife started griping about my new job. She hates that I am working all weekend because that means she's with the kids the whole time. She complains that she goes from working all week to solo-parenting on weekends. Both our kids are in activities on weekends so she has been doing that by herself as well.
We talked about ways to ease some of the weekend stuff from her such as getting a babysitter, carpooling to kids' activities, taking the kids to their grandparents, etc.
But she still complains that all of the leg work for those things will be done by her because I'm at work. She said she feels like she never has any time for herself since my hours got changed.
To try and alleviate this, I suggested that she make plans with friends to do something on Monday or Tuesday nights. She tried but got frustrated when her friends were busy those nights and wanted to get together on weekends.
This led to another argument with her telling me that she hates my new job and that I need to look into changing my hours again. I told her that I have been trying everything to help ease the transition with my new job but all I've been met with is hostility and frustration.
I asked her if there was anything more I could do other than change my hours and she told me, "No." She said she just hates that she doesn't get a break and that I have 3 days to myself. I started listing off all the ways I have been trying to make this easier and how much more money we are making and she cut me off and said the money isn't worth it.
I got frustrated and told her if she needs time for herself, she should just use vacation time from work if she's not going to be reasonable and help me find a compromise. She got even more mad and told me I am being an AH. She made me sleep in the guest room and told me that I can't come back to our bed unless I "fix this."
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Sure-Beach-9560
INFO: Do you actually need the extra money or is it more in the category of "nice to have"? Also, which one of your jobs pays more? And which paid more before this change? I'll also point out that it's not just that she's solo parenting - but that now you don't get any time to spend as a family and go on family outings.
youhavetimeaita (OP)
The extra money is in the category of "Maybe now our kids won't have to take out loans for college and we can actually retire at 65." My job pays more. It did before the change and it pays much more after my promotion.
Sure-Beach-9560
I see, So I'm going to go with NAH but... Because your position makes sense and so does your wife's. But I do think you could have shown more sympathy when discussing this with your wife. And I do think you need to find some solution - because this isn't really viable long term. There's no point to having a family if you're not going to spend time with them.
A few options come to mind:
Trying to look for an equivalent job with better hours or trying to negotiate your job so you have a weekend off a month. Even if it means a slight paycut (but not going down to your previous salary).
Your wife cutting her hours or finding a job with hours similar to yours. So that you have more overlap. Hiring someone to care for the children for one full day of the weekend - preferably someone who can drive them around to activities, make meals, etc. Not the occasional babysitter but basically a nanny for a day.
Making a timeline for your current job. I.e. you'll stay in this position for ex number of years, after which you will try to find another position with more normal hours. Your wife attempting to find a position with higher pay so that you can take a job with lower pay or cut your hours a bit.
Here's the thing. I don't know the details of your life, and none of these solutions are perfect. And you'd probably Need a combination of them anyhow. And maybe you can come up with other solutions too.
But you should make it an objective to spend time with your family and also ease the pressure on your wife. Again, not much point in having a family if you don't spend time with them...
Metasequioa
As a first step, you could try validating her? "You're right, you aren't getting much of a breather with me gone on the weekends. You work hard at work and at home, you deserve a break, too." Her using vacation days is not a long-term solution to this issue. If you disagree- why don't YOU take a vacation day and take over Saturday kid activity duties so she can have some down time?
KBD_in_PDX
NAH. Your family is in a state of transition and it's hard. Honestly, your wife has it harder than you, and she's telling you she needs more support. You can make this better by providing her with the support she needs, and taking care if it so she doesn't have to.