'AITA for telling my wife she's unreasonable?' 'We're somehow being PUNISHED.'

"AITA for telling my wife she's unreasonable?"

We're having a recurrent argument with my wife of 20 years about a situation with my brother and sister. For background, we're pretty wealthy, my wife and I created and sold a business.

My brother and sister, on the other hand, are less lucky. All 3 of us got the same education (both my brother and sister have a Master) but my sister somehow ended up as a single mother with 2 kids and basically unemployed. My brother is a private school teacher, which means his salary isn't bad but he's also nowhere near wealthy.

The argument we keep having relates to my dad, who is also very comfortable in life. He keeps helping out my brother and sister. For instance my sister lives in one of his houses, he gave her 2 cars throughout the years, etc.

Basically much of her lifestyle is subsidized by my dad. Same thing with my brother, although to a slightly lesser extent: whenever he needs something he won't buy himself (Apple computer, driving lessons, his wedding, entire relocation cost from moving from one city to another, the security deposit for his new apartment, etc.), my dad is there for him.

Even for their kids' clothes (both my brother's and sister's kids), a large part of it is paid for by my dad. I assume that each of them receives north of 10,000 dollars a year worth of various subsidies from my dad.

My wife says this is unfair because we, on the other hand, receive virtually nothing from him. Our own kids for instance receive maybe 1 gift a year from their grandad, for either Christmas or their birthday. She says we're somehow being punished for making the right choices in life and they are rewarded for their own worse situation, and that this also encourages them to not work as hard as we did.

She says fairness would dictate that my dad treats his children the same, giving equal amounts to each. Whenever she hears of a new present my dad gives my sister or brother, she gets very angry at the unfairness of it, and angry at me for not finding the situation abnormal.

My own point of view is that the situation is fine, and that my dad is on the contrary trying to correct the unfairness of the difference in lifestyle between his kids, helping out my brother and sister who need it more than I do.

I'm telling my wife she's trying to create conflict and division within my side of the family when there shouldn't be some, that we really have not much to complain about and that she's unreasonable for having these feelings.

Additional background that is somewhat relevant: we live far away from home (in Asia) while my brother and sister live in the same country as my dad (France). We however come back home once a year for a few weeks to see my side of the family. So what do you think: am I the ahole here, is it normal that my wife feels disappointed and angry?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

happybanana134 said:

NTA. I think your wife is too concerned about how someone else chooses to spend their money. She sounds really entitled tbh. Your dad is looking out for his children and grandchildren. If you can afford all you need, why would he throw more money at you? Your wife isn't being 'punished' by not being given another car ffs.

birdiepet said:

It's equality versus equity. NTA - I agree with OPs view,.

wanderlostandfoundta said:

NTA - your dad’s money, he gets to spend it as he wishes. Your wife sounds incredibly greedy and entitled. The one exception is when it comes to the grandkids - while I agree your dad should help out his other grandkids with needs (clothing, education subsidies) as he wants...

When it comes to stuff like birthdays and Xmas gifts, he should be equal in what he gives to each grandchild (as long as it’s age appropriate). However as his other grandkids live closer and you guys are further away, I can see that as being harder to buy for (eg shipping costs).

Difficult_Court6479 said:

Your father doesn’t owe you or your wife any money BUT I would be concerned that your kids will start to notice they are being treated differently than their cousins. Why do they get one gift a year but their cousins get everything they want? Your kids won’t understand that their cousins need the help, they will just think grandpa doesn’t like them as much.

summers_OF said:

NTA. I think this is a great example of equity versus equality. Your siblings need more help, and your father is in a position to help them. The distance also makes it more difficult for your father to feasibly give physical gifts to your kids. Your wife is being unreasonable and it’s weird to be jealous of people who are in a worse position than yourself.

Kittenscute said:

NTA. It's your father's money, and you as his son couldn't care less, so why is it her business to care? Big red flag right there.