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Woman tells younger siblings being separated from them was the best thing to happen to her. AITA?

Woman tells younger siblings being separated from them was the best thing to happen to her. AITA?

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"AITA for telling my younger siblings being separated from them was the best thing for me?"

When I (26f) was 11 my younger siblings and I were taken from our parents and placed in foster care. At the time my siblings were 4, 6 and 7. We were placed in different foster homes together for a year but the damage done by our parents was too great.

My siblings could only see me as mom and rejected anyone else doing anything for them. They would physically attack our foster parents if they stepped in to help them instead of me being the one to do it.

I was growing more resentful by the day and there were days where I locked myself in a room and didn't come out. Not to eat or drink or anything. I was so overwhelmed.

We were in individual therapy and family therapy but during family therapy they would sit on me and refused to engage with the therapist or the toys we had in the room.

It was suggested after a year that we needed a break. At first it was only supposed to be 6 months. I'd be separated from them and placed somewhere else but 6 months became 12. In that time I bounced around some before settling in with a family.

When my siblings and I met up again it was in family therapy and a good six month effort was put in but they still exhibited the same behaviors. Expecting me to mother them and refusing to let go or engage in the therapy.

They'd lash out at everyone around once it was time for me to go home. My younger sister even broke my arm accidentally because she grabbed me so hard one day and refused to let me get free.

There was another period of no contact and then we had phone contact only. We never got past that because they were still set in their mindset of they needed their mom back and not their sister. Plus they had an extreme meltdown when they were told I had been adopted.

There was no contact for years. Even when I turned 18 I decided to focus on bettering myself, healing and working toward my future than trying to have a relationship with my siblings again.

Last year, they reached out to me after they all aged out of foster care. They wanted a relationship and I told them we'd need family therapy and they would need to participate before any relationship could happen. They were reluctant but agreed.

It's clear they still view me not as their sister but as their mom. I have told them I'm their sister, not their mom, and the only relationship I will have with them is a sibling one. I did this with the help of the therapist and still nothing changed.

They did open up more than before so I kept trying. But recently they have gone off on the fact we were separated and how cruel and disgusting it was to break a sibling group up. They said it never happens and they should be ashamed.

They wanted my thoughts on it for a while and I said mine were different at first. But they were getting very vitriolic about that. They asked how I could see it any differently and how I should have sued the state for separating us.

Then I told them a couple of days ago that being separated from them was the best thing for me. That it allowed me to heal and grow and to have a small childhood for what was left.

I told them I was sorry it was so rough for them but I needed to not be weighed down by the expectation and demand that I be a parent when I was just a little girl. They hate me for what I said and told me I should never have voiced it out loud to them. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

Your feelings are valid, and you were honest about your experience. It's heartbreaking that the separation was necessary, but it seems like it was crucial for your survival and healing.

While your siblings have a right to their own pain, you also have a right to express yours and establish boundaries. You're not their parent, and it’s okay to make that clear. Therapy is still the best place for these conversations, and continuing to insist on it is a wise choice.

(OP)

I had hoped after all this time they would see me as their sister and not their mom. But they have never grown from that. I guess because they never put the work into trying. I hate that for them too because they are stuck at the ages we were taken in so many ways and that's awful. And ultimately the cause of all of this is our biological parents.

NTA. Sounds like your siblings need individual therapy that they are not seeking. It does not matter that they are your siblings, do what is best for you.

(OP)

The problem is they don't engage in therapy like they need to. We all had individual therapy in the past. I still go. I need therapy for the family therapy we're doing. But if they don't work at it there's really no progress to be made.

NTA because you went through an incredibly difficult situation and it’s completely valid that you needed space to heal. You were forced to take on responsibilities no child should have to bear and being separated was a way for you to protect your mental health.

You weren’t the one who put yourself in that situation, and you did what you had to in order to survive and grow. I can only imagine how hard it must be to balance empathy for your siblings while also protecting yourself. It’s okay to put yourself first when you’ve been through that kind of trauma. You deserve peace and a chance to live your own life, too.

Acceptable-Act-8803

It's more difficult than a lot of people understand. There are some who will judge me and ask why I couldn't have worked on myself and been there for them. But being in that situation left no room for what I needed. It had to be all about them because they were so demanding of it and would literally raise hell until they could get what they wanted which was me.

I know our biological parents fucked them up with that. Putting me in charge and leaving a kid to be the only parent they knew. So I feel bad for them in that the only parent they remember is me. But at some point I know they need to come to the adult conclusion that I was just a little girl and could never be that for them.

Honestly I don't know why you are even bothering with them, they are I am assuming grown ass adults at this point, or close, and they are insanely selfish if they can't see why forcing a child to be a parent is wrong. They are only going to drag you down.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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