'AITA for the tension after my father passed away? I had to leave 36 hours later because of in-laws.'
"AITA for the tension after my father passed away? I had to leave 36 hours later because of my in-laws."
My in-laws stayed with my wife and me for 3 weeks to watch our toddler while my wife and I were in the hospital having our second. Near the end of their visit, my dad unexpectedly became very ill, so I had to fly home to be with him. My MIL promised she (if not also my FIL) would stay a few days extra (no cost to them as they were staying with us). She’s retired and has no obligations for months.
Sadly, my dad passed away the first day I was back home, and later that day I was told my in-laws couldn’t extend their stay. They had zero reason other than they telling my wife they were “tired” (as though I wasn’t after a caring for a newborn and watching my dad d*e??) and “wanted to go home.”
They haven’t explained it to me or apologized for this. As a result, I had to leave my hometown and grieving mother just 36 hours after my dad passed. I had to care for a newborn and toddler while still in complete shock and utter exhaustion so my in-laws could go back to their cushy life.
They want to come visit in less than a month, and when I told my wife I’m not comfortable with that, given what they did, my wife said it made her “uncomfortable” and “overwhelmed.” She agrees what they did was awful, but won’t say anything about it to them, and expects me to just accept them visiting despite how I feel.
AITA if I set a boundary and insist I’m not comfortable with them coming so soon? Or perhaps even just until we have a conversation? It’s not just that they left me high and dry when I needed them most, it’s that they didn’t even reach out to me to explain or apologize. I’m just very hurt and very angry.
EDIT: They did NOT stay extra days. They left on their initially scheduled flight, after telling me they’d push it back. Additionally, my wife was less than two weeks removed from a C-Section when I left and physically incapable of caring for a toddler and infant so I had no choice but to come back.
The only time my in-laws were primary caretakers of my toddler was the 3 days my wife and I were in the hospital. Otherwise, I primarily watched the toddler.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
yeehawt22 wrote:
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the mix of emotions in such a short period of time.
While I’m an advocate of the child deals with the parents...I think you’re more than fair in sending a text to your in-laws saying.
“Hey I was really disappointed and hurt that after you said you would stay and help us with our kids when my dad died, you changed your mind and left. You’re adults and I respect your autonomy, but I expect the same courtesy to now be extended to me. I am not at a place emotionally where I want to host or visit with you."
"Hopefully down the line, we can mend our relationship but currently I’m still feeling very betrayed and abandoned by family when we needed help the most. I’m sorry if this message has hurt you, that is not my intent. But if we are to mend this relationship in the future, an honest conversation will need to be had.”
OP responded:
This is excellent and incredibly supportive. Thank you so much!
Melusina_queen wrote:
NTA. And, since wife won't say anything you will have to because their behavior was absolutely atrocious. A quick "hey mil, fil I heard you are planning on visiting, well that won't work for us right now. With the birth of our second child and my father's passing, we are not up for visits nor hosting".
flash_gitzer wrote:
Tell them you’re “tired” and unable to properly host them. You will reach out to them when you’re ready to see them again. Actions have consequences and your in-laws apparently never learned that lesson. Focus on your family and ignore outside distractions.
FreyjaNavarrette wrote:
NTA. To be completely honest, people who are that inconsiderate of what is one of the highest traumas of almost everybody’s lives, they’re not family. They don’t love you. Anybody who doesn’t respect the parents shouldn’t see the child.
Edit- since so many people are so hell bent on the wife being TA and insist that they don’t need to do one single google search to see that Postpartum symptoms can last well beyond three weeks, and that three weeks is NOT a very long time post birth, I did the bare minimum effort for you. Here you go:
“Postpartum symptoms can last from a few days to several years, depending on the condition. The "baby blues," characterized by mood swings and anxiety, usually resolve within two weeks. However, postpartum depression (PPD) can begin weeks or months after birth and, without treatment, can persist for months or even years."
"Some studies show that PPD can last up to three years, with a significant portion of mothers experiencing symptoms throughout this period.”
here, I’ll make it easier for you to google yourself… literally just the link for the Google results
Okay? Since you guys don’t want to do it. Is this enough for you? Leave the poor woman alone and quit treating women like this. Thank you. I will not be replying to anybody who decides to still ignore it for the sake of attacking a woman they don’t know.