"WIBTA for remarrying my ex even though I'm going to die?"
I know this post is morbid and dark, so I apologize for that. I (36F) am close to dying. I have terminal cancer and I only have about a year or two left. I've accepted and made my peace with it, and I don't mind openly talking about it. I also have a less than common relationship. My current partner/boyfriend (38M) is also my ex-husband.
He and I married right out of high school, stayed together through college, had three kids together (12M, 11F, and 4M). We divorced when our daughter was 3 because of his intense work schedule. It was a lot of heartbreak and pain, but at the time it felt right for both of us despite that.
Two years after the divorce I was first diagnosed with cancer, and he reduced his work hours so he could take more time with the kids, and it slowly shifted to him also taking care of me, and we rekindled our romance, but didn't get remarried.
I got lucky the first time around and was declared cancer free at 31. I had my youngest child at 32, and was re-diagnosed at 34. We tried treatments but it's been recently declared terminal.
Please don't feel sorry for me or throw me a pity party. I've gotten to live the life I wanted and I'm okay with the fact that I'll most likely die before 40. The only thing that causes me any emotional pain is that I won't see my kids grow up and experience life milestones like graduating, getting married, and having kids.
Long backstory, but here's the problem. My partner and I have discussed it and we want to remarry each other. I want him to be listed as my husband in my obituary, I want him to be able to make medical decisions in case I'm unable to (this one is big for me because of my situation), and so that he can get Survivor Benefits when I pass.
My sister (38F) says that it's cruel to remarry him knowing I'm going to die soon, and that if I loved him I wouldn't have divorced him in the first place and that by remarrying him I'm disrespecting the sanctity of marriage by doing it "willy nilly."
She also said I probably used my diagnosis the first time around to get his pity love so he'd get back with me since it resolved the main issue from our divorce. So, I was wondering if it's really bad for me to remarry my ex? I love this man, we both regretted our divorce and are so grateful that life brought us back together, but now that I'm close to death we want our love to be legally recognized.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
slippinginto9 said:
If your ex is all in on this what business is it for your sister to get involved.
gundog416 said:
NTA. He is fully aware of what he is agreeing to if he marries you again. Not your sister's business.
Civil_Environment858 said:
NTA. You both are going into this knowing what is happening. I am so sorry. I wish you peace and comfort and much love from your family and friends.
Beneficial_Test_5917 said:
Sis can go pound sand. NTA all the way around. Best wishes in your remaining time.
NTA! Your sister sounds like a LOON! I wish you peace in the time you have left and also for your kids. Apologies if I'm overstepping, have you considered leaving them cards, letters, and videos for when or several they can receive as they get older? Just a thought. Plenty of pics too. Apologies for overstepping.
ThrowRAnearpeace OP:
Yes, me and my partner have already started making videos, letters and cards. I've also already gone through sentimental toys, clothes and books I kept from my own childhood and have specified certain ones to go to each individual child based on their current interests as my children did inherit a lot of my hobbies it seems. The nerdiness runs in the family, it's definitely genetic, lol.
NTA - but seriously - consult a lawyer. As your surviving spouse he could end up on the hook for what will be astronomical medical and other bills.
This isn’t a TV movie. Your kids (not to mention him) could end up financially deprived if not devastated if your death wipes him out. Also, if you have assets that you can move to a trust for the benefit of the kids and outlive the look-back period, do it.
ThrowRAnearpeace OP:
We got lucky with insurance (rare) and did get what is considered decent coverage on my care. I've also stopped my treatments and we are currently paying off what's left of the costs. If everything goes according to plan the bills it should be mostly paid off by the time I pass.
We're lucky that we won't be financially ruined by this as a result of having jobs that make 100k a year and the fact that we both had savings we could use when the original diagnosis and this one came about
Dontknowwho8 said:
NTA. you should have the right to get all the support you need (and less fingers pointed).
laughingkittycats said:
Wow. I’m not going to say your sister is an idiot or an AH, since I don’t know her. But on this topic she is just plain WRONG. And she sure seems to be deliberately cruel. In any case, her opinion is worthless. Ignore her.
If the best thing for you and the father of your children, and probably for those children, is to remarry, then PLEASE do so ASAP and with the blessing of this internet stranger (and I’m guessing, without having read any other comments here, of every person who reads this post. My very best wishes to you and your partner & children.
ThrowRAnearpeace OP:
I don't think she's trying or wants to be cruel, my sister just has her own personal beliefs on marriage. She thinks that if unless you divorce for serious reasons (abuse, cheating, criminal offences) then you must not truly value the importance of marriage because you're supposed to be a pair for life and stick through issues.
I will admit I do agree to an extent and I do regret not working harder to save my marriage the first time around seeing as we worked it out afterwards when we got back together but I've learned to accept that mistake. I also don't judge anyone who does get divorced for what some people might consider "petty" or "minor" reasons because it's not my place to force everyone to hold my beliefs
Almost 6 months later OP posted, "We're married (plus life update)":
Hello, it's me again.
I posted about 6 months ago regarding my cancer and my husband.
I'm happy to report that me and my husband married about two weeks after my post. It wasn't grand but our children and family were there and it was just as magical as our first wedding.
I also made the decision to stop treatments that were being done to extend life expectancy, meaning my life expectancy is a bit shorter than originally estimated. I also have a DNR and will be setting up home hospice for after the holidays. Despite the stopping of treatments I feel really good, way better than how I felt doing pointless treatments with the slim possiblity of extending my life.
Short update but that's where things are now. Just wanted to update the people on here after I forgot about this account.
Happy Holidays to all who celebrate!