'AITA for testifying against my brother in a custody case after he abandoned his child?'
"AITA for testifying against my brother in a custody case after he abandoned his child?"
I 25F have an older brother 28M. Growing up my mom spoiled him a lot and still has a habit of excusing his behavior because that’s her son. This situation has completely fractured my family, and now I’m being told I’m a terrible sister.
My brother was in a long-term relationship with his ex-girlfriend Lena 27F. They have a son together who is now 5. Lena and I became very close during their relationship, and even after they broke up, I stayed involved in my nephew’s life. I babysit, help with school stuff, and I’m basically one of his safe adults.
When my nephew was around 2, my brother left. Not just emotionally he abandoned them. He moved out, stopped helping financially, barely called, and eventually cut contact entirely after getting involved with another woman. Lena struggled a LOT during that time, but she stepped up and did everything for their child on her own.
My brother never paid consistent child support and would disappear for months at a time. Fast forward to last year. My brother suddenly reappears, saying he misses his son and wants to be involved again. However, his first move wasn’t apologizing or easing back in he was demanding Lena’s current address and threatening legal action.
Lena had moved for safety and stability and didn’t want him showing up unannounced, so she asked me not to give it out. When my brother asked me for her address, I refused. I told him that if he wanted to see his son, he needed to go through proper legal channels and rebuild trust. He accused me of “choosing his ex over him” and said I was betraying family.
Eventually, he found her address on his own and immediately filed for custody, asking for far more than he’d ever been involved enough to handle. The case went to court, and I was asked to testify. I told the truth that he had been absent for years, that Lena was the primary and consistent parent, and that my brother only reappeared after starting a new relationship and wanting to look like a family man.
The judge ruled against him. He didn’t lose all rights, but he did not get the custody arrangement he wanted. Now my brother is furious with me. He says I should have lied or at least kept my mouth shut because we’re siblings. My mom agrees with him and keeps telling me I ruined his chance to start over and be a better father.
She says family loyalty should come before outsiders, even when kids are involved. I don’t feel guilty for telling the truth, especially when my nephew’s stability was on the line but being iced out by my mom and constantly attacked by my brother is wearing me down. So AITA for refusing to help my brother and testifying against him in court?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Sweet_Cinnabonn wrote:
NTA. You did stick by family - your nephew.
OP responded:
Thank you I really love this l, my nephew is as much my family as he is and I choose to protect him.
GerbilMilkshake wrote:
NTA. You did choose family loyalty—your nephew. He's a child, and you thought of what was best for him, not the 28 year old who noped out on a whim and had nothing to do with his own son for several years. You chose the physical and emotional welfare of your nephew over your brother and his nonsense. Good on you!
OP responded:
Thank you.
PerturbedHamster wrote:
Your mother is an AH, and the apple didn't fall far from the asshole tree when it comes to your brother. The child's wellbeing always, *always* comes first. Ask your mom, "If family is so important, why did brother abandon his child for years?" I'm pretty sure your mother raised your brother to think he was immune to the consequences of his own actions, which is why he's such a gaping AH now.
Thank you for doing the right thing and standing by your nephew. Take whatever shit rains down from your mother/brother as a badge of honor. If people like that hate you, you're doing something right. NTA.
OP responded:
Exactly what I'm saying it's okay for him to abandon his own blood, but he wants family loyalty. I'll never be involved in that.
yogginggirl wrote:
NTA. As a significant person in the child’s life, you’re compelled to testify - and to speak truthfully under oath. It’s the child’s welfare.
OP responded:
Thank you dear.
Foreverforgettable wrote:
NTA. The next time your mom and brother mention family loyalty, tell them you were loyal to family…your nephew. Your brother is essentially a stranger to him and is unreliable and irresponsible.
He is the adult and your nephew is a child who cannot advocate for himself so your loyalty must go to him. Remind them that your brother wasn’t loyal to his child. So apparently family loyalty only applies when it’s convenient for him.
OP responded:
The hypocrisy! he was okay with abandoning his family "his son" but wants family loyalty.
Classic-Delivery3785 wrote:
NTA, I have always told my children. If you have a child with someone and do not support wholly the child and the other child’s parent, please know whomever is providing the stable environment for my grandchild will be the one getting all the support from me. You are looking out for his child not him. Shame on your mom for not doing the same.
OP responded:
Thank you, I've never been able to put up with my mom we don't even relate that much.
CHADofneatherrealm wrote:
NTA. You prioritized the best interest of your 5-year-old nephew's stability over your brother's attempt to look like a family man after three years of abandonment. Telling the truth in court is the morally correct action, especially when a child is involved. Your brother ruined his own chance; you simply confirmed his history to the judge.