'AITA for the way I reacted when a former friend tried to touch my hair?'
"AITA for the way I reacted when a former friend tried to touch my hair?"
So yesterday I was doing last minute shopping and I saw a former friend. She and her husband came to greet me and the first thing she noticed was my hair. Now I need to preface this. I'm a Black woman and she's white. I haven't spoken to her since 2014.
The last time she saw me (when we were both in college, and we also went to high school together) I had my hair straightened with a relaxer. I've been natural for two years. She goes "Hey (my name here)!" And then she reached over and tried to touch my hair. I leaned back quickly and was like "No no we don't do that" and then tried to redirect by asking her how she's doing.
When she saw me leaning back she tried to reach for my hair again. Again I leaned away and this time I took a step back and said "Please don't touch my hair." Firm and to the point. This girl literally attempted yet again before I had to swat her hand away (I didn't make contact with her hand don't worry) and then she was like "Why won't you let me touch your hair? It looks so soft!"
And then tried to touch my hair AGAIN! I felt so disrespected that I just blew up. I said "B***h! Stop trying to touch my gd hair! If you wanna say hi then say hi, other than that stop trying to touch me!"
She got upset and told me I was being mean and didn't know how to take a joke and then left. Her husband told me I could have just went along with it. And I told him "Well would you like it if people wanted to touch your privates all the time?" He got mad and left.
A few shoppers saw the whole exchange and we all agreed that she was acting weird, so i felt justified. I finished shopping and went home to vent to my husband and he thought the whole thing was funny and said maybe I could have handled it better. I've slept on it and keep replaying the interaction in my mind and maybe he is right. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Ronitsarangi wrote:
"She got upset and told me I was being mean and didn't know how to take a joke and then left."
"He thought the whole thing was funny" Where is the funny part? What's the joke here? I seriously don't get it. NTA at all.
You gave a non-verbal warning, a verbal warning, and a physical warning before blowing up at your "friend." I don't see how you could have handled it better other than grabbing her hand and throwing it away. I also question why your husband finds this funny, but idk, maybe my sense of humor is different.
notwhoyouthinkc wrote:
NTA. I’m a Black woman too and in my opinion you were PLENTY patient and gave her more than enough grace. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for invading YOUR personal space. I’m not a f***ing dog you don’t get to pet me. We are also grown wtf do you need to touch my hair for? I have no idea where your nasty hands have been and that’s also a hella microagression that irks the crap out of me.
Also she literally told on herself by saying “why couldn’t you just take a joke”. Soooo…..what’s funny? Why is touching MY hair “funny” to you? That’s such an unusual thing to say. Explain the joke to me, I wanna hear it cause I don’t get it. Normalize making them just as uncomfortable as they made you.
T-Chunxy wrote:
NTA, at all. I've said it elsewhere, but I'm your average white guy, with average white guy hair. I used to have it spiked up (back in the mid 90s) and before that I had a 'hawk. There was never a time when I wanted randos to touch my hair. Hell, I don't want anyone touching me, at all, ever, without a green light from me, but I'm one of nature's weirdos (ASD)
The less said about YOUR situation and the whole r**ist "I wanna touch your hair" thing that black folx have to endure forever, the better. Your EX friend should know better, it's not 1987 anymore. She has no rails, and she's just violating YOUR personal space. She's lucky she didn't get a sock in the nose, IMO.
Delicious-Brick339 wrote:
NTA. Anyone who says “take a joke” just doesn’t want to take accountability and apologize like an adult. She definitely thinks she can do whatever she wants. Glad you stuck up for yourself, never let someone cross boundaries that you CLEARLY put up.
Dreamboat9907 wrote:
No, that’s weird-AH behavior. You two aren’t close. Haven’t seen her in a while. You asked her three times…to stop? Three? One is more than enough. My opinion? She clearly doesn’t see you as someone to give respect to for whatever her reason may be. But No means No. Stop means stop. She violated it three times. She crossed a personal line period.
I would hate it if I met a lady or guy at a store who kept trying to touch my shirt or take off a hat I was wearing…it’s a total violation of your space and privacy. You did the right thing. Hindsight 2020 maybe you could have done it better but honestly? What’s done is done. Sounds like she showed you exactly who she is though and sadly she’s not a real friend. That’s awful you had to go through that.
28nicky wrote:
NTA at all. You made it incredibly clear that you did not want her to touch you or your hair and she continued to try to disrespect that - she’s the AH. Here’s the thing: we white women know better. She absolutely knows that it’s disrespectful. I’m sorry that you had to deal with this and the people around the whole situation. You didn’t overreact and you’re absolutely NTA.