Woman’s newfound nursing career and independence lead to breakdown from 'controlling' husband. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"I [38F] think my marriage to my husband [42M] is over. I need help."
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have two kids. It's mostly been a good relationship, with normal ebbs and flows. The past year has been pretty difficult on my end and I think I've reached my breaking point. I just want to make it clear before I start that my husband is a good man, and I do love him.
I've been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. It was out of necessity rather than desire on my part. My husband was working at building his business and we needed the flexibility of me being home.
I had a job I loved, but I didn't make much and it just made sense at the time. I also homeschool our children because it works well for us. I did all the normal stay at home mom stuff - dinner, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc.
He did help when needed and was never resentful of it. He worked very long hours, and lots of weekends, but I supported him because owning his own business was his dream.
About three years ago, I started to feel some fatigue from being the primary caregiver of our children. I wanted more and our business was pretty stable, so we agreed that I'd go back to school. Our children are old enough now that schooling them is less hands on, so again - it made sense.
I graduated with my two year degree last year and started nursing school shortly thereafter. This is when things started to get rough. Nursing school is a total time suck - it requires so much time and so much energy. We discussed the shifting of responsibility and how difficult this was going to be on all of us, and he said he was supportive.
He started making snide comments about things he was doing at home - things I had always taken care of, things that I guess he just didn't realize I did. I tried to communicate with him, see what could be done to make things easier on him for this transition.
He is not a good communicator though, so I didn't push (a mistake on my part). The comments started getting more frequent, and meaner. We've never been mean to each other. It's just not how we fight. Or rather, hasn't been how we fight.
He started getting resentful of the time I was up at school, or volunteering (I do volunteer quite a bit). Summer came and I thought things would get better. I got a job where I work a few days a week from 7-7. I love my job so much and it's really nice to finally be able to contribute to our income. It's really empowering.
Over the past few months, I've become a lot more independent. Historically I've "needed" my husband a lot - I had some really serious depression after our kids and I couldn't do much without him (like, go to the doctor or grocery shop or whatever).
Over the past five years I've gotten that under control. Through nursing school, I've made a lot new friends that I like to spend time with. We grab quick dinners, and sometimes head to the movies.
This apparently bothers my husband, though he's never actually verbalized it. I started to come home from an activity (volunteering or a night out with friends) to rage on his part. He would yell at me, call me names, and say horribly hurtful things. He went through and read my text messages, trying to find something I'm doing "wrong".
My friend group is mixed female and male, and most are younger than I am. When I come home, I never know how he'll react. Last night was pretty bad. He stopped replying to my random "I love you" texts, and this morning didn't bother to say it back.
He's hanging up on me, he's ignoring me, he's treating me really badly. He twists my words and ascribes them emotions that I'm just not feeling. I feel like I'm dying inside. Any self esteem I've gained from following my dreams, he's crushing.
While I don't think he's abusive, I feel a lot like I did when I was in an abusive relationship. Walking on egg shells, trying to "test" the room when I walk in. Afraid to do anything that might upset him - being overly nice so that he'll be nice back.
To be clear, I'm home most nights. I might go out with friends once a week - or twice, but once is during the day. Like this week, Sunday I went to dinner with a friend that was leaving for New York the next day. I was gone ~ two hours.
Monday I was home. Tuesday I was working all day, then went up to the school for midnight registration. Wednesday is my weekly volunteer day and whoever is volunteering goes out for food after for about an hour. Today I'm working a short shift. Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday I'm home.
I'm just done. I'm so tired of feeling badly about myself. Like I'm doing something wrong. I've tried to talk about all of this, a thousand times. I never fight back when he's yelling at me or calling me names.
I've suggested counseling (I'm going to therapy myself), but he's not interested. The problem is, I don't want my marriage to be over. I love him and I promised him forever. I don't break my promises. I just want things to go back to where they were a year ago. I need help. Thanks in advance.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
You need to hold your ground on this... This is abuse... He needs to openly discuss and admit that you being independent is bugging him. Now he's just allowing it to build up to the point divorce will be your only option. He NEEDS to discuss either openly with you or go to counseling, if not there's no way to recover.
Iheartyoutoo (OP)
Thanks for your reply. He does tell me that my independence bothers him - he feels like I don't need him anymore, or that I'll be "okay" without him (which, I would - as he would without me).
But he won't do anything to resolve these feelings, or communicate what I can do to reassure him that I do still need him. It's one of those "I don't need you to save me, I need you to stand by me while I save myself" type of things, and he's just not okay with that.
If he can't see you grow into a position that he himself was (or still is) at then it sounds like he has a very dominant type of personality, dealing with such people is hard. If it affects your love for him and harms YOUR KIDS then I would definitely get out if there.
I am the son of a single mother. As much as I love my father, he couldn't support us. While it sounds a little different for you, he definitely seems to see this as a sort of competition.
A year later, the OP returned with an update.
About a month after I posted, I asked him for a separation. He agreed. I moved out and I've got my own place now. I thought maybe moving out would be the wake up call that was needed to save the marriage, but it wasn't.
However, it turned out to be the best thing for all of us. We share custody of our children, and they transitioned to public school and are doing very, very well. I'm doing pretty well, too. It's been hard - and there have been a lot of ups and downs, but it's been worth it.
We're all so much happier now, and my ex and I are working really well together to co-parent our kids and we're even friends. We'll always be there for each other, but we're better off apart. Not the happy ending that I was hoping for, but a happy ending nonetheless.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Good for you. Happy endings are when people are happy, not necessarily staying together.
Speaking as a child of divorce: Happy single parents are better parents together than miserable married ones. I'm glad it turned out that the difficult choice was the right one for your family. Best of luck.
Iheartyoutoo (OP)
Thank you, thank you. My kids were one of the biggest considerations in deciding to leave. I want them to be strong and be good advocates for themselves and I figured the best way to do that was to model it myself. I hope I did what was best for them, it's a big fear of mine.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with their final update.
My ex and I split last year - we're on good terms and share custody of our kids. We're actually friends, too - which is nice. I'm in a school program and I graduate in December. Post graduation, I'll be able to work pretty much anywhere.
I HATE the state that I live in. I'm miserable here - the weather, the culture, the politics. It's just not home to me, and never has been. Previously I had resigned myself to living here forever, because my ex will be here forever.
Now that I'm single again, I've been exploring the idea of moving. Namely to the east coast. I've always wanted to go there and I feel like this is my chance. I have a trip planned in September to get a feel for the area and where I might want to live. I might put some applications in.
The AH part comes in because we have kids. I'd never force them to come with me, and they are old enough to make their own choices about where they want to live. But will I be an AH for putting them in the situation? Having them make a choice? I can't imagine being stuck here for another 6 years (until my youngest graduates), but I don't want to mess up my kids lives.
Edit for a little more info: I'm going into the medical field (nursing), and the east coast offers some of the best hospitals in the world. That's a huge factor in why I want to move there.
I'll make at least twice what I'd make here, and have lots of opportunities in my career. Also, I'm in Texas, not on the west coast. Across the country was a bit melodramatic on my part.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s final update:
YTA- you said you can live anywhere. Your absence will have a huge impact on your children, and you have a choice. Wait it out.
YTA. Hold out.
Coming from another divorced person sticking it out in a state for the kids.
I'm sorry for you but yes, YTA. I know its tough being stuck in a place you hate, trust me, but you should always place your kids wellbeing ahead of yours.
YWBTA if you moved across the country from your kids. Is 6 years worth more than a lifetime of your kids feeling that you abandoned them?
YTA for putting your kids in this position. Wait until the youngest graduates in 6 years and then make your move.