'AITA for threatening to divorce my husband if he won't kick his parents out of our home?' UPDATED

"AITA for Telling My Husband His Parents Have To Move Out or I'll Divorce Him?"

My (38F) husband’s (52M) parents, (78F & 80M) have been living in our home for the past four years. I was completely on board with this arrangement since they really do love the opportunity to be close to my daughter.

The problem is my mother in-law. She constantly makes disrespectful comments about my shopping habits, my clothes, like wearing shorts around my house or a swimsuit in our swimming pool. I tried to ignore it, but it's become unbearable.

She once questioned why my name is on the house deed since my husband earns more (we've been married 20 years). My husband overhears this conversation and told her she was being inappropriate. She was also visibly angry when we bought a Mercedes to replace my old car.

I don't discuss our finances with her because it's none of her business. We don't charge them rent, we pay all the bills and their cell phones; they only help with some groceries.

The final straw happened the other day. She asked if I had fed our dog and cat, which I hadn't because they are on a strict diet and feeding schedule (our cat is 17 and our dog is 7). She then started talking to her husband right in front of me, putting words in my mouth and making it sound like I put her and her husband on schedule to feed our dog and cat which isn't true.

I finally snapped and told her that if they continued living with us, I would separate from my husband because living with her is driving me insane. When my husband came home, I told him his parents need to find another place to live, or we would divorce and sell the house. He agreed with me that they need to go.

Here’s why I might be the AH: They can't afford to rent anywhere near us since the cheapest rent in our town is around $3K. If they move to a cheaper area, they'd be over an hour and a half away. They both have hearing and eyesight issues, making that drive difficult, and moving would limit their proximity to their only grandchild. I feel terrible about that, but I can't live like this anymore. So, AITAH?

Edit:

- In laws does not pay for anything, they're included in my cellphone plan too. They buy groceries and pay for their car

- My husband and I have been married for 20 years

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Relevant_Mirror_4206 said:

NTA. There can’t be two queens in a hive. Perhaps they can get into some low income senior housing close to your house if you have them a little time.

OP responded:

There was an issue before too which I suggested they move out, and then they said they will once their car is paid off (they drive an economy car which is 3 years old now) I'm not sure how I put up with up but I'm not waiting for another 6 months. I'm hoping they'll find a place to live in 3 months

Flipper_Lou said:

The pearl in the situation is that you and your husband are on the same page. That is excellent! Your husband can take your child to go and see the grandparents an hour and a half away. They’ll be able to afford it and you’ll have peace.

Pun_Lover387 said:

NTA but I can’t get over you being 18 and getting MARRIED To a 32 year old. Which isn’t on you at all. If you got married at 18, were you guys dating when you were younger? And if so, will this be something he’s going to want for your daughter? To marry a man who has been an adult for so LONG when she’s still a teenager and really, just a kid herself?

OP responded:

I wouldn't recommend that an 18 yr old like I was, enter into a relationship with a 32yr old. It worked out for me, but the relationship was definitely challenging. I felt awkward everywhere because I looked very young compare to him.

The first 7 years of our marriage was largely about my immature self and him offering me advice on college life, dangers of drinking at a party, my first job, and getting my first driver's license.

I was a freshman in college when we first met, and he was in his final year of college. I grew up in a religious household that taught the outdated belief of marrying the first person you become intimate with.

However, by the time I turned 26, my belief system completely change, I no longer adhere to the old fashioned idea of marrying the first person you sleep with, I change as a person but my relationship with my husband has grown into a loving, equal partnership, a love that I didn't know was possible if I didnt met him.

Medical_Mountain_895 said:

I guess they should've thought about it before making you miserable in your own home. Imagine mooching off your kids then acting like their gold diggers.

OP responded:

That's exactly what she's making me feel in my own house

irishstorm04 said:

NTA there’s nothing worse than having someone live with you and then criticize you every chance they get. She’s not a child. She knows how to act or at least she should at this point. It’s like she was doing a power play in your house. She FAFO’d. I get that you feel bad but they should’ve thought of that before they were so disrespectful. Let someone else in the family take them for a while.

OP responded:

That's exactly how I feel. I thought I was going crazy thinking that she's playing some sort of power play over me.

Find_me_at_the_beach said:

I say this in all seriousness, could she be at the start of dementia? I have had four family members with it? I’m not making excuses, that could explain her behavior.

And OP responded:

I hope that's what she has, so at least there would be a reason. I can just tell from her facial expression that she was listening to my conference call while I'm in my office since I work from home. She makes this weird face and imply I'm too close to my boss.. My boss who I see once every 3 months for a team meeting.

She questions why my name is also on the deed when we purchased the house when my name wasn't on the mortgage so I told her, it's my house of course my name would be on the deed.

I have a cousin I'm very close to, we no longer have parents, so I'm in their will as the next of kin to adopt their young kids if something were to happen to both him and his wife. They're both nurses, and I'm sure nothing will happen to them, but just in case they have a next of kin in me, she questions this relentlessly and says she doesn't believe my daughter would want to share her space with other kids...

My daughter is 14, while my nieces are 5 and 7, also she's worrying about this issues that doesn't concern her.

She later shared this update:

I spoke with my husband last night, as this is taking a toll on him. He said he doesn't want to be kicking his parents out toward the end of their lives. However, I told him that I have put up with this for four years and that there are many instances where she says things and does things that have alienated me in my own house, and that words were exchanged a few times already.

Four years of having to put up with his mother's behavior, and I have reached the end of my limit. I told him they have six months. I also told him that I love him, but that love doesn't mean I have to stay married if he wants to continue living with his parents. A life living in the same household with his parents is a life without me.

Later that day, she posted in a Pennsylvania sub community:

"Apartments or Independent Senior Homes for Rent in Bucks"

Any senior housing recommendations in Bucks County for less than $2k a month? It's for my 78f and 80m in-laws. I've looked at senior housing in the area where I live (Chalfont, PA) and it's hard to find one that's within their budget. There is a 5-year waiting period for some of the senior homes. Ann's Choice is not in their budget.

Good luck, OP!