'AITA for threatening to tell my ex's daughter the truth about her mother and how she was conceived?'
"AITA for threatening to tell my ex's daughter the truth about her mother and how she was conceived if he doesn't fix her belief that I'm her mom?"
I (F30s) was married to James (M30s) for several years and we had two sons together. He ended up with a prescription medication problem and that led to him screwing the woman who was giving him the pills. Their affair lasted months or maybe longer before I found out. The woman got pregnant and I divorced James.
He had limited access to our sons until he got off the medications and then he slowly built up his custody. While that was going on James' affair partner had a baby girl and she gave custody to James. I know very little of all that happened but she had her own addictions and did not want to raise a baby or be a mom and she's out there somewhere but she does not see her daughter.
James asked me to help him raise his daughter and to be a mother to her like I am to our sons. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was never going to be his daughter's mother or his daughter's anything and I would not be filling any sort of role, either big or small, in her life.
James tried to guilt me into it but I contacted my attorney and after that all my contact with him was through an app. He continues to text and call but unless he calls when our sons are with him I ignore those calls. Any changes to him taking his weeks can be communicated through the app. He only calls and texts to try and make me give in. Despite what I said James told his daughter I was her mom.
I found this out when she kept calling me mom while running to me and asking to come home with me. James admitted he told her I was her mom because I was the closest thing she'll ever had. I tried to kindly explain to her that I wasn't but she got upset and didn't believe me. And James worsened this by feeding into that belief. I told him it was on him to correct but he wouldn't hear of it.
This problem has continued and I'm at my wits end with it. My sons have been forced to correct their half sister and they get so frustrated at having to do it that it causes problems at their dad's house and makes them yell at him, which upsets her, which annoys them.
They already have a very minimal bond with her and they don't have the most natural sibling relationship with her. To them they only have a real brother and we have talked about this but they find it even harder with everything going on at their dad's. James likes to try and blame me but then won't sit down to discuss the issue with their therapist which he has been invited to do.
I reached the end of my rope with it and I told James a couple of weeks ago at another school run in that he needed to get this corrected or I would tell her the whole truth and let the cards fall where they may. He said there's cruelty in hurting kids. I told him that my kids are my priority not his one. Then he tried to say that this would all be fixed if I had just taken his daughter on as my own.
This was truly me reaching the end of my rope with this issue. The judge in family court did not want to do anything about it because it didn't pertain to custody of our children, or the overall wellbeing of our children in the eyes of the judge. James won't speak to the therapist our sons talk to. He has refused to listen to me saying no and asking him to correct this before.
But maybe I'm a monster for threatening this while knowing I would follow through. Maybe I'm a monster for not caring about this little girl enough to be willing to keep dealing with this. But my priority was always my children, not someone else's. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA, your ex is damaging that poor girl by lying to her, and causing problems for your sons.
ThrowSashAITAH OP:
I've reached the point of believing he doesn't care. As long as he can dig himself out of the hole he made he doesn't care about the overall impact on the children involved.
Honestly you would be doing her a kindness to set her straight. He will never tell her the truth and she will go through the years wondering why her "mom" doesn't want or love her. At least knowing it's not that but just that you are not her mom would be one true thing she knows
ThrowSashAITAH OP:
That's if she actually believes me. I hope so because I would like for this to end. Otherwise that girl is going to have an even harder time when she gets older and the truth can no longer be hidden.
Even if she doesn't believe you, you'd be doing her a kindness. It's going to be a hard truth for her to swallow but that's only because of the fiction that your ex has raised her with.
How old is the little girl? I don’t have children but I feel like she should understand by now that you aren’t her mother. You have told her and your sons have also told her, yet she continues to believe
ThrowSashAITAH OP:
She's elementary school aged. The problem with her understanding is her dad keeps telling her I am her mother. Even with three people saying I'm not she probably will lean on what her dad says.
Terrible-Pea94 wrote:
NTA! It’s worse for her to think you’re her mom but rejecting her than to correct the record so she knows it’s not because you prefer the boys over her. The nerve of your ex! I can’t believe there isn’t any legal recourse. Do you have a lawyer who could on a pro bono basis draw up a cease and desist order?
Even it it would have a hard time being enforced, its very existence may scare him straight. Otherwise, can figure out a way to do drop offs so you don’t have to see her? I totally understand you and would have the same reaction and way of going about this. But my heart breaks for that little girl.
He’s only doing this because he can’t handle parenting alone, not because he cares about her. If he did, he wouldn’t have her believe that her own mom wants nothing to do with her. Maybe he should put her up for adoption (not that it’s your problem to deal with or suggest to him). How old is she?
ThrowSashAITAH OP:
My attorney tried to reach out to his in order to get it knocked off but it didn't scare James at all. It had zero effect. Drop off's aren't the issue it's things like school functions or even sports games. That's when she sees me. I try to stay hidden but that's not always something that works and then they sit close to me or right next to me. I don't want to give exact age but she's elementary school aged now.
NicholasScratchy wrote:
NTA. Tell her. She doesn’t deserve to be gaslit because her father is a lazy sorry excuse for a father. You’re fine. She will be upset but the truth is 1000x better than this situation so tell her.
ThrowSashAITAH OP:
Well assuming she'll believe me even then but at least nobody can say I let her keep thinking it was me.
Kwickpick77 wrote:
NTA. But I feel so sorry for that little girl. He's the one being cruel and telling her you're her mother. He's making her sit at home when the boys are with you wondering why her mother doesn't love her.
ThrowSashAITAH OP:
She's like that even when the boys are over there. She's asked them why they won't take her with them and why they hog me.
SpiteWestern6739 wrote:
NTA, the only person screwing that little girl up is your ex, by telling her lies and convincing her the woman he cheated on to conceive her is her mother, your ex is scum that is traumatising his own daughter to try and make his own life more convenient.