'AITA for threatening to divorce my wife after finding out what she thinks about my son?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for threatening to divorce my wife over my son?"

Hi everyone, I (39m) have been facing a dilemma with my wife Katy (32f) because of my son Bran (15m). For starters, Bran is my son from my first marriage with Ann (39f). We met and dated in college, had Bran during our junior year, and got married not long after graduation. We were married for six years and dated for two, so all in all, we spent eight years together.

Our divorce was not a big deal. We'd both realized that while we worked as a great team parenting, neither of us was genuinely happy being married to each other. We tried going on dates, spending more time together, and even going to therapy, but nothing worked, so we decided it was best for us to separate. It was all amicable, no bad mouthing, no backstabbing, or fighting for full custody.

I co-own a business with one of my old college buddies. It's successful and requires some traveling, and I made more than decent money. Despite our separation, I made sure Ann was taken care of in order to make sure that my son was taken care of. Ann kept the house, one of the cars, and we split custody of Bran.

Instead of just sending a check every month, I paid for Bran's education, healthcare, etc. Ann greatly appreciated this, and we'd always stayed on good terms even after she remarried.

Now, onto my problem. I met Katy a few years ago while at a friend's wedding, we chatted, danced, and genuinely had a good time. I found her funny, smart, and ambitious. We exchanged numbers after that and went on a few dates before making things official after four months of getting to know each other.

I was honest with Katie about my ex and my son from our 2nd date, I explained that I lived two blocks from my ex, that my son came over unannounced a lot because, well, he could. And that he came first in my life. At the time, Katy said she understood, and I believed her, especially after she met Bran for the first time, and they bonded over a shared love of Star Wars.

Skip forward, and Katy and I have been married for three years. My son was my best man at our wedding, and he has a good relationship with my wife. All was well before the topic of kids was brought up. To be honest, we talked about it before we got married. I was clear that I wasn't too on board with having another kid. Again, Katy said she understood and said she was ok with not having kids.

But two months ago, she sat me down and asked if I'd consider having a kid with her, I was a little taken aback and told her I'd think it over. My wife was a little pissy that I didn't give her an immediate answer but said she'd give me time to think. Well, that was two months ago, and finally, last Sunday, my wife brought it up again, impatient and demanding that I give her a straight yes or no answer.

Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I said no, that I saw no point in having a baby at the moment but that we should revisit the topic in another year or so. I thought it was a reasonable response, but I guess it was the wrong one. My wife blew up at me, shouting about how she'd been understanding and patient all this time, that she'd been putting up with my 'past memories' and accepted my flaws as a partner.

I was so shocked and confused, especially by the past memories comment, and asked her what she'd meant by that. Her explanation shocked me to my core. Turns out Katy saw my son and my ex as a flaw of mine. Apparently, they are in the way of us truly being happy.

She went on to say that she's been waiting for me to finally move on from them and put her first, which made no sense to me. Sensing my confusion, Katy kept explaining. Apparently, I should only send my ex a check monthly instead of paying for my son's education and other important things.

I let Bran come over too much, I attend events where my ex is present at such as soccer games, holidays, birthdays, and an occasional family reunion between my family and my ex's family. Oh, and talking privately to my ex, that's a big red flag according to my wife.

All this left me shocked. Like, how is me being a good, present dad a bad thing? How is texting my ex about big birthday gifts, school trips, and finances related to Bran a red flag? And besides, the event thing made no sense. Did she really expect me to miss out on moments with my son just cause of my ex? Whom is married?

The answer? Yes, she basically said that she wanted me to be more like a weekend dad and put her above my son because I'm her husband and she should come first in my life.

We had a huge argument, and a lot of truths she kept hidden came out. I threatened to divorce her if she kept acting like this because she's clearly been lying to me for years about how she's felt, and now her true colors have come out, but she blew up at me and is now staying with her parents, not answering my calls or texts.

I love my wife, but my son is my main priority, and yeah, I'm friendly but respectful with my ex. We communicate through texts and see each other occasionally at the store, a soccer game, and holidays where we're never alone together and only speak about Bran or trivial matters.

I apologize for this being so long, but I felt like putting the right information was important. So, AITA for threatening divorce after finding out how my wife actually thinks about my son?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

No_Plantain_1699 said:

NTA at all. You have a modern blended family and that’s a beautiful thing. You deserve someone who understands that AND so does your son.

Jsmith2127 said:

NTA unfortunately, I doubt she will ever change. She needs to be told bluntly, that she will never be a bigger priority, than your son, and you would never give up time with your son, because of her jealousy. Seems like your only flaw was marrying her

And Beautiful-Elephant34 said:

NTA. Katy isn’t the person you thought she was. She lied to you and expected that you would change after you got married. I’m sorry OP, you sound like a good dad and a good co-parent. Katy is the one completely in the wrong here.

Less than a week later, he shared this first update:

Three days ago, I went to my wife's parents' house in hopes of talking things out with Katy. We sat in the living room with her parents in the kitchen nearby in case things got heated between me and my wife.

I asked if she really meant what she said about Bran, and she just shrugged. I asked if she hated him, and she said no, but she does think it's unnecessary how much time I spend with him.

Here's where I might've been an AH. I asked if the roles were reversed, and then how would she feel if I had a son with her but neglected him in favor of a new wife. She got pissed and started calling me every name in the book, shouting about how I shouldn't shove the fact that she doesn't have a kid yet in her face.

Her parents came in and got her to calm down. Maybe I should've backed off, but I kept asking questions anyway. I asked if she would've neglected Bran if I'd had a baby with her earlier. She only said she would've prioritized that kid. I then asked why she's mad that I prioritized my son when she admitted she'd prioritize the imagery baby over her stepson, and she didn't answer.

I said I wanted to go to couples therapy, she refused, and said that I'm blowing things outta portion and making her out to be the bad guy. That wasn't my intention, so I apologized, but she just asked me to leave. Before I left, I tried kissing her, but she backed away. I asked if she'd be home for Thanksgiving, and she said no.

Before leaving, I told her that I'd be speaking to a divorce lawyer after the holidays, and she refused to even look at me. I think it's the end. I love Katy, but after everything that has come to light, it doesn't seem like there's anything left of my marriage to save. Am I right for threatening divorce or AITA?

This is what commenters had to say:

KitKatWitch1313 said:

NTA- divorce and move on. She knew who you were and how you were from the start. You have done nothing wrong. I would recommend a vasectomy if you are adamant about no future children so if you get into another relationship you can even more easily avoid this. Congrats on prioritizing your son and the wonderful co-parenting relationship you have with Ann. Best of luck OP!

Doctor_Strange09 said:

NTA. You and your son deserve better.

[deleted] said:

Why would a woman want to have a child with a man who was willing to reduce his involvement with a child after a divorce. I would think a decent woman would be thrilled to have a child with a man who was so good to his ex wife and so involved with and generous to his child.

He then shared this second update:

After a recent revaluation, I've decided to file for divorce. I haven't yet and dont plan to till after the holidays, but my marriage is definitely over. I know I've been hesitant about whether or not to end things with Katy, but now I know for sure that I can't stay with her. Let me explain.

Katy came home on Sunday after Thanksgiving. She looked tired, like she hadn't been sleeping, but she also looked really sad. We sat down in the living to talk and what I learned shocked me to my core.

She's pregnant. I was shocked and still am. How did I not notice? Why didn't she tell me? The reason still has me reeling. Turns out, Katy was trying to babytrap me. Yeah, you read that right. When she first brought up the topic of kids again, she apparently had baby fever and realized that she really wanted one. After I, in her words,'turned down the chance of ever having kids with her,' she was furious at me.

Katy explained that after our conversation, she talked it out with a friend who suggested babytrapping me, this friend apparently assured Katy that I loved her too much to just leave her with a baby and that I would change my mind once the baby is born. Katy, being a total idiot believed her and hitched a plan to get pregnant.

This next part made me freaking livid. Katy confessed to poking holes in my condoms and stopped taking her birth control. I don't know the full timeline or how far along she actually is, but my guess is a bit over two months. After my second rejection to having more kids and the blowup that followed suit.

Katy, now pregnant at that time, realized that my main priority was and still is Bran, that I wouldn't put a new baby first over him, nor would I limit or crease interacting with my ex wife. She said that this realization is the reason she left to stay with her parents as she feared what would happen next.

Throughout all this, I was pretty quiet, taking it all in. I didn't really say much. I just told her that I'll be filing for divorce and would like for her to move out as soon as possible. I left and drove around aimlessly for hours, alternating between crying and raging, which is embarrassing to think about now.

Not much has happened since then, Katy refused to leave for a few days, begging and saying that we can fix our marriage and have a happy family with a baby. But I can't do that. For starters, she still believes what she said about Bran. Not only that, but she tried to babytrap me, like wtf?

All trust is broken between us, and I genuinely don't think I could ever forgive her. I'm not really sure where to go from here, divorce is a no brainer, but Katy is still in the house, still begs me to not leave her, promises to go to therapy and work on herself. But none of that can convince me to stay with someone who broke my trust and betrayed me in one of the worst ways.

How do I tell my family? Her family? Friends? What should I say to Bran? With Christmas just a few days away, my family and Ann's family are coming over for our yearly party at Ann's house. I don't want Katy to come, but I especially don't want to deal with people asking why my wife isn't there. This sucks, I'm so angry and hurt right now, but I feel like I can't even express it openly at the moment.

So where do I go from here? How do I go about telling people? Most importantly, wtf am I supposed to do about the baby?

Commenters weighed in:

YouAccording3896 said:

You didn't do anything wrong. You were frank the whole time, but she decided to bet on the most stupid manipulation a woman can do. There is no going back to this marriage. But if the child is yours, I hope the same love you give to Bran, you give to this innocent child who is not to blame for her mother's actions.

You've achieved a great relationship with Bran, you'll manage to be a good father to this unborn child. But maintain communication with the mother via co-parenting app and lawyer. She is a manipulator, therefore everything with her must be in writing and with the judge's stamp Good luck, OP.

OP responded:

I believe the unborn baby is mine, I have no reason to think otherwise at the moment. Therefore, I plan to be involved in the child's life. I do have a nagging feeling that Katy isn't gonna co-parent easily since she doesn't wanna get divorced.