'AITA for threatening to divorce my wife if she didn't become a proper homemaker in the next month?'
"AITA for threatening to divorce my wife if she didn't become a proper homemaker in the next month?"
My wife and I have been married for four years. I'm 33 and male, and she's 32. Her name is Steph. Steph is a SAHW, and since we got married, she has been incredibly inconsistent with household labor.
I work a physically-demanding job, and it would really help if Steph could at least cook dinner more than once or twice a week. Instead, she sits at the dinner table, hunched over her phone for hours a day. She's completely addicted to it, but she refuses to even have a conversation about this.
Now, about twice a year, I have an opportunity to visit a foreign country for work. The nature of the work is to supervise construction and instruct the workers there. The compensation for these trips is always fantastic, and Steph is appreciative when I go because I bring home a pretty fat paycheck after.
Three weeks ago, I was about to depart for two weeks on such a trip. At around 10am, I texted Steph and said that time was tight, but I'd be home at 12:30 to pick up my luggage.
I asked her if she would make me something for lunch and she agreed to do so. I emphasized that I had about ten minutes to stuff my face and then get to the airport.
At 11am, I texted her again, saying I'd be home as planned at 12:30. Again, she said "OK." At 12pm, I texted her saying that I was leaving. I walked in the door at exactly 12:30, only to find her sitting at the dinner table, hunched over her phone.
When I walked in, she gave me this bewildered look. She had done literally nothing. Nothing was cooking. Steph stood up in a panic and said she'd start making me lunch, but I told her that it was pointless. She sheepishly apologized, and I responded, "Don't say sorry. Just be less effing useless."
This made her very upset. I just picked up my luggage, left, and went to the airport. I did manage to pick up some food at the airport, but I really would have liked a home-cooked meal before eating out every day for two weeks.
I got home last week, and Steph was still angry. She said that what I said to her was over the top. I asked what she had been doing those two weeks, and she insisted that she was "super busy" (see: Instagram and Netflix).
I gave her an ultimatum: that she had one month, until 1/10, to get her act together and be a proper homemaker. I told her that if she couldn't, I was going to divorce her.
Steph was super upset, and for the past week, she has been sulking (see: Instagram and Netflix). She told her family about it, and her mother basically blamed me for Steph's lack of direction in life. I know it's nonsense that a 32-year-old woman needs to have her hand held to do anything, but was I being ridiculous with my ultimatum?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Why can’t she go back to work? Why does she have to stay home? I think it’s fair to say if you’re not going to do the duties of a stay at home wife then you need to work.
Yeah, MIL is blaming him for her lack of direction. Then maybe she should go find a direction.
Sounds like the mother in law is just happy she's his problem now....
I came into this thinking you were going to be the asshole; that maybe you're complaining about how she cooks and cleans or something. But reading that she only makes 2 meals a week, and didn't even bother preparing you one last lunch on your last day in town, when you specifically asked her to, and gave her a heads up twice that you were on your way home?! NTA.
The fact that she was glued to her phone makes this even worse, because phones have clocks on them... and if she knows she loses track of time easily, she could have set an alarm for 12 and had something ready for you easily by 12:30.
Happy cake day! Agreed, typically these posts are much different. NTA, as someone who’s lucky enough to be a SAHW. My husband gets actually upset when I tell people I do “nothing” when they ask what I do. (Knowing they mean ‘for work’)
So speaking as someone in her (imo privileged) position, I was actually pissed for OP when he walked in to no lunch (after two warnings). Those of us who get to stay home before kids are even involved have life as a cakewalk.
I know that and so does she. Except for her, she got comfortable (which isn’t necessarily bad) BUT I’m comfortable, bc I “work” while my husband’s at work, cleaning, laundry, animal care, etc. and I’m off when he is.
He gets home, I’m also not “expected“ to be doing anything. We typically take turns making dinner though. As he enjoys cooking. Same deal on weekends, anything being done is typically team effort projects during that time.
He doesn’t care if I don’t do a single dish, or a single load of laundry over the weekend. Sunday nights I make sure we have; groceries to make his lunch, and clean work clothes. I say all of this to say, OP in his post seems like he’d hold her to the same expectations, considering she’s been like this for X amount of time and he’s just now lost his patience.
Edited to add: Well, up making my husband’s lunch for work lol. Been 9 hours and OP is still MIA… but I appreciate all the upvotes and the award(‘s now! Thank you!) at least!
NTA. If you have no children and she is a SAHW, taking care of the household (including shopping and cooking) is her job. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to continue this way.
NTA, but you unfortunately chose language that will make it very easy for her to paint you as the villain. Calling someone f***ing useless usually doesn’t bode well in your favor. Be wary of how she’ll paint you.
You can acknowledge that you didn’t use the best wording, but that your feedback still stands as valid criticism. In a relationship, it takes two partners to show up for each other, and right now, she isn’t showing up for you.