'My husband won’t let me use the oven more than twice in a week. AITA for threatening to move out?'
"My husband won’t let me use the oven more than twice in a week. AITA for threatening to move out?"
My (33F) husband (34M) and I have been married for 8 years. He’s truly a loving, kind man that I love. It’s not that divorce is on the table we have a good life together. But he has recently developed some really weird habits that are driving me up the wall.
He’s always been interested in tech and science, and he sometimes becomes enamored of particular notions. A few months ago, he got obsessed with the amount that electricity was costing him and how “wasteful” appliances are. He’s taken a particular shine to our oven. He argues that to use it more than twice a week would be “irresponsible” for the planet and our bills.
I love to cook. It’s my primary way to de-stress after work. I like to bake bread, roast vegetables and test new recipes. But now he gets annoyed with me if I use the oven any time other than his “schedule.” He unplugs it when I’m not even supposed to be using the thing.
I laughed it off at first and dismissed it as a phase. But last week, for instance, I was baking cookies for our kids’ school fund-raiser, and when we were halfway through he pulled the plug on the batch a ruined one now that even he refused to eat and announced I’d “already used up my oven quota for the week.” I was livid.
We had a huge fight. I said I can’t live like this and if he keeps policing my cooking, I will move in with my sister for a bit. He told me I was being dramatic and that I should “respect the planet more.”I explained, I said to him: I honour the planet where it needs to be honoured, but your recipe will not dictate when my husband or anyone else wants me to cook in my own home.
I feel bad for running it up, he really is such a great partner outside of this. But I think I’m also losing my mind here. So, AIO for threatening to move out over his oven obsession?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
We are not going to save the planet by using our oven less. 😔 I get that climate change is scary, and our lack of control over it even more so, but to fix anything we need corporations to change their actions. Any single home being more responsible with their energy is not going to make a difference. Putting good people in office in your local area is what will actually help.
Try to get his focus on that, if he can be a obsessive about choosing and campaigning for good people to chair your local boards, they will initiate better practices on a wider scale than any one person can manage. Eventually that will lead to better people in Congress and the House, or at least more pressure on them to do what's right.
Yeah this his “oven quota” isn’t saving the planet, it’s just killing your joy.
Sounds like very bizarre, specific controlling behaviour. I would tell him that he needs to focus on himself and what he can do to reduce his own carbon footprint and whatnot first and foremost, and that he can't expect you to give up your joy and hobby and not cook food or cook when the kids need it and excuse it with some notion of "respecting the planet".
No wonder you feel like you're going crazy, he's inducing it in you by being completely unreasonable.
NOR His behavior is controlling, dictating when you can use your own oven and unplugging it mid-use crosses a serious boundary. It could also signal a mental health issue or anxiety, and finances may be part of it. Sometimes people fixate on small things like electricity to feel in control of money or resources. If you have access to your finances you should look those over.
If this is really about “saving the planet,” it’s hypocritical. There are likely far more harmful things he does that he isn’t restricting like driving or travelling. You have a right to set boundaries. Suggest he talk to a therapist, and make it clear that concern for the environment or money shouldn’t take over your home life. You have a right to live in your home and cook freely.
Did something stressful or traumatic happen recently around the time this behavior started? Has he had any other weird or unusual preoccupations? Because this sounds abnormal and sudden, which could indicate a mental health issue.
Like ocd, or stress or something. Not diagnosing, but he could need to speak to a professional about this mindset if it's gotten bad enough for you to consider moving out of your own home.
No. He sounds mentally ill. Seriously, it’s an unhealthy fixation. You’ll experience more in years to come if he doesn’t figure out how to deal with this.
“He really is such a great partner outside of this (“this” being that he is so controlling that he was willing to unplug the oven while I was using it, ruin something I was doing for our child, and then call me dramatic for thinking I have the right to decide when I use the appliances in my own home).”
Tell him to build you a solar farm. Seriously, I wouldn’t even negotiate this because this is a mental health issue or something else affecting his brain. How do you think hoarders start? Make him go to a doctor now, and don’t settle for antidepressants to mask the symptoms. He either gets an MRI on his brain or goes to a therapist.
It isn’t the oven issue. It is the control issue that is the problem. Does he have undiagnosed adhd or autism? Each of these can have fixations. If his drift often, I’d lean more towards ADHD.
The thing is, hyper fixations are fine but not when they become controlling and affect others. I would have spun out hard if he unplugged the oven while I was cooking. It is disrespectful AND a waste of the energy used to get all of those ingredients to you in the form they were in - never mind your time and the energy spent half cooking them.
This feels less based in logic and more based in mental illness and/or control issues - which are much larger issues than base value “oven obsession” Is he driving? (I’m assuming he’s using an electric vehicle because come on - fuel is far worse for the environment)
Is he allowing his clothing to be dried? Is he watching tv? Is he showering every day? (Etc etc etc) Or is he just controlling what YOU do with electricity?