'My husband is upset I refuse to throw out sentimental items from my late husband. AITA?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for remembering my late husband fondly by keeping mementos from our marriage and still celebrating his birthday?"

My(35F) first husband John died very suddenly 6 years ago. We were together for 8 and happily married for 4. We never had children. 3 years after his death, I met my current husband, Ned, and we hit it off immediately. We got married last year, and everything has been great, save for one recurring argument.

Ned hates that I still have sentimental items from my first marriage. I've tried to be sensitive to his feelings because I don't want him to think that I settled for him because John died. I don't want to make him feel like I want him to compete, or that I'm measuring his worth using John as a yardstick.

Ever since the first time he expressed his discomfort with this, I do not bring John up to him, and I keep the things out of sight. I keep my wedding photos, other photos, wedding tape, home videos, gifts from John, and his old record collection in two large chests in the basement.

The rest of his things I gave away to his brother and nephews. I have looked at them maybe thrice in the last 2 years, and usually at his family's request. I don't want to throw them out or give them away because they signify an important part of my life, even if I'm in love with another man now.

I am still very close with John's family. Every year, on John's birthday, we have a family reunion where we remember him. We eat, drink, tell funny stories, laugh at his most unflattering photos, watch home videos- including mine, play his favourite songs and generally have a good time.

It hasn't been a sad affair for at least 3 years now. John's family are very welcoming, and have expressed interest in meeting Ned. He declined because he felt uncomfortable. I understand why, but they are also my family. He doesn't want to attend family events like the reunion, birthdays or weddings and I never force him, even though it does hurt my feelings that he wants to shut out my whole family.

Yesterday, he found some old books of John's that I'd forgotten to remove from our library and accused me of leaving them there to spite him instead of putting them in the basement, said that I don't love him and that he knows I wish John were still alive. I told him that I do love him, and that he was being unfair because I can't very well say "I'm glad he's dead".

He told me that if I want to prove that I love him, I should throw out all my mementos because John and I never had kids to pass them on to, and that I can go to family things except the birthday celebration. I have tried to explain that I can't simply forget 8 years of my life, and that it's unfair for him to expect me to say that I'm glad I was widowed, but he refuses to speak to me until I do what he wants.

I'm extremely hurt and I feel like I'm not being unreasonable but now I'm wondering if maybe I am the a$$hole.

TLDR; My(35F) husband (39M) is upset because I kept some sentimental items from my marriage to my first husband who died. He wants me to throw out all the items but I don't. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

D. I. V. O. R. C. E. He is being manipulative bordering on gaslighting if I have the term right. Run. This is so beyond wrong. NTA. Giant NTA.

OP responded:

I can understand how this all screams red flags, and it will probably make me sound super naive if I try to defend his behaviour by emphasizing his gentler traits so I won't. I just want to try to fix it first is all.

I'll definitely have to ask myself if I'm okay with giving in for his sake or consider divorce if he refuses to compromise or go to couples therapy. I hope this doesn't make me come across as weak because I just want to give us a fair shot at being happy together. Thank you for your perspective nonetheless.

CarpeCyprinidae said:

NTA. Oh FFS. I'm in Ned's position. My wife was married before. Her husband died. 4 years later I met her, 2 years after that we were married. Some guy my age is no longer in the world and thats how I got to be married. For me to be jealous of a dead guy would be pathetic as well as pointless. It's not like he's competing with me for her affection. Ned is a dickhead.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for this. I was genuinely beginning to feel like there was something I wasn't getting and I'm so tired of explaining the same thing over and over again. I've told him the exact thing that I'm not comparing them or making him compete with a dead man and I don't know how else to explain this to him.

ScorpionTheInsect said:

NTA, at all. It doesn’t sound like you’re dealing with your grief inappropriately, and tbh, your husband sounds a little insecure. I can see why he’s uncomfortable with you celebrating your late husband’s birthday, but asking you to throw away all his mementos as a “test” is completely insensitive, and waaay overstepping the line. Have you considered marriage counseling?

OP responded:

I am open to marriage counselling. I have been in individual counselling for a few years myself. I just don't know how to bring him around to the idea when he isn't even talking to me. It never occurred to me that the birthday thing might be inappropriate, but I can see how it could be. I always thought that since it's his whole family and not just me, it wasn't too weird. Thank you for raising it

FloPrag said:

NTA. Please do NOT give in to his demands and throw away your memories. You'll regret it immensely.

OP responded:

I'm so sure I'll regret it if I do. I'm now thinking of maybe taking the chests down to John's parents' house and storing them there. I know they would be willing to take care of them for me. I just don't want to look like a pushover if I've not done anything wrong and I'm starting to feel like I'm the one always making compromises.

witcher252 said:

NTA !!!!!! This dude sounds crazy controlling, jealous, and doesn’t respect your past at all. This post reeks of red flags

And ItsAllAboutLogic said:

NTA as a widow, I understand. Your current husband claims to love you for who you are but he wants to erase a part of you. That's not right. Please keep honouring your late husband. Cherish your time together.

She later shared this update:

Thank you for all your comments. I appreciate all the resources, advice and awards. I didn't expect this much feedback but I'll do my best to read through everything. Also, thanks to everyone who suggested Emily Yoffe's article.

You've all given me some much-needed perspective, and I see now that I wasn't taking it seriously enough. I never thought he would try to tamper with my things, but I also didn't think he would ever behave like this when I married him. I would like to clear up a few things first.

I've had a few hostile comments and DMs saying that I've been trying to make him uncomfortable by asking him to family things, forced my idea of normal on Ned, and even "forced him to be in a polyamorous relationship with a ghost". I don't see how because I changed my name, go out of my way to not mention or do anything related to John, save for the one day a year when we have the reunion.

I even used to celebrate mine and John's anniversaries and wore his ring, but I stopped doing that before Ned and I met. I don't even mention the traditions we had out of respect. I do miss him sometimes, but I'm not pining and I don't verbalize it except to my therapist. Therapy helped me immensely here, and I'm working my hardest.

I didn't try to make Ned come to the birthday reunions with me. I only suggested the reunion after he accused me of spending it pining for John. I wanted him to see that that's not true. I did ask him to come to John's brother's wedding with me, and my nephews' birthday and he said no both times, citing the same reasons.

My therapist helped me frame some points to tell Ned that we need couple's therapy. John's brother, Tom, came over and helped me move my stuff so he could take them to his parents' storage tomorrow. Ned finally came out of the den and lost his mind when I told him that therapy is non negotiable.

He tried to stop us from moving the stuff a few times, accused me of violating his trust by asking for help, and that Tom and my relationship is inappropriate because we're not related anymore. He claims he asked me to get rid of the stuff in the chests, but that the actual chests belong to us both, that I have no right to take them away; that I'm being manipulative by not trusting him with my stuff.

He didn't give me an answer regarding therapy. Honestly I just let Tom do most of the shielding at that point because I am tired of repeating the same thing and I felt so spent that I just couldn't find it in me to shout over him to be heard.

I was able to get some things together and now I'm currently at Tom's. I'm so grateful to him and his wife for breaking quarantine for me. Now I'm just trying to manage my anxiety, at least until I can talk to my therapist again. I know everyone wants me to say I'm definitely going to divorce him, but I need a moment to collect and process.

I promise I'm thinking about how to take care of myself, and keeping separation and divorce in mind. I went from being giddy with love to being frustrated but hopeful this morning to considering divorce in the evening. He's blowing up all our phones now but I'm very tired and I just want to sleep.

TLDR: Took my things, left

And then she shared this second update:

This thread has long grown cold but I guess I want to write this down at least to hold me accountable to my decision. I spoke to Ned a few hours ago for the first time since I left the house. He was very angry and lashing out. Initially I planned on having a face-to-face but give the content of his messages to myself and my family when I left, I chose to do so over Zoom.

I didn't want to ask anyone else to "chaperone" because I'm honestly still embarrassed by the events earlier this week. There was a lot of alternation between crying, yelling and begging and somehow he eventually agreed to try marriage counselling and individual therapy.

I explained to him that I don't ever expect him to spend time with my family if he doesn't want to, but would he be willing to accept that they are my family, even if we share no blood or existing relationship by marriage. I explained that I have known them since I was barely 18- before there was even a "John-and-I", and that they have been my people for a decade and a half.

I explained that I would happily try to foster the same relationship with his siblings, were he to ever get back on speaking terms with them. This he refused to budge on. He said he will never be okay with my relationship with my family, and that he will not refer to them as such because what I was apparently describing was close friendships.

I won't bore you with other details because after that answer, I don't know who or what I'm even fighting to hold on to. I'm slowly accepting the fact that I will be putting away more wedding photos soon. I can't believe it hasn't even been a year.