'AITA for 'throwing away our family' because my partner didn't get me a Mother's Day gift?'
"AITA for 'throwing away our family' because my partner didn't get me a Mother's Day gift?"
The title sounds like I'm being spoiled but bear with me. I 34f have been with my partner 47m for nearly 11 years. He has one child from his marriage that ended at least 5 years before I met him so I am NOT the other woman. He was divorced when I met him. We have a child together now too.
When I first met him his ex wife wouldn't let him see his child but I supported (and financed) him through the courts and we got access. I treat this child like my own but understood when things like mothers day and all came round when indidnt get anything to mark the day, they aren't my child.
Christmas presents and birthday presents were small token gifts as we were very poor due to court eating our finances and valentines was usually a slightly nicer home cooked meal and maybe some cheap flowers (not roses or anything) but again, we were literally living pay check to pay check (though I might add I was the only one working).
When my partner finally decided he was ready to go back to work (2 years after court was finalised but he was still depressed about the whole thing...) I was very supportive and did his cvs and applied for the jobs and took him to the interviews etc and he finally landed a really good job that he loves.
Finances obviously are much better and though I am still the main bread winner, we have a lot more disposable income. He buys a ring (not a massively expensive one as I am not one for things like that, it was about £120) and proposes to me. I say yes.
Fast forward 3 years, we still aren't married but we are after a lot of trouble, expecting a baby. I'm over joyed, he is over joyed, but it's kind of like he is the one pregnant.
He is snappy with me all the time, I make a mistake ( drop a plate or something) he curses me out. It feels like he is trying to alienate me from his other child and he leaves me less than an hour after the child is born because "he is tired".
I'm too tired to be upset but I do file it away in my head for later. I'm kept in the hospital a few days after the birth as I lost A LOT of blood but he barely stays 15 mins a day and shouts at me when I ring him because he is exhausted and trying to rest before the baby gets home....I'm reading this back and I feel so dumb but I'll continue with the original question.
Money is still fine after baby is born. Birthdays and Christmas's are nicer presents. Valentines is better flowers (though purchased the day after so they are cheaper).
First Mother's Day...... nothing. He bought his own mum (my mum is dead 2 me) so he knew it was Mother's Day and I had gotten him from the kids (as I have done every year) for fathers day.
So I asked him that night why? His response... " your not my mum". I was so hurt and we had a massive fight about it. He promised to make it up and said he didn't realise it was that important.
I said all I wanted was a card I could show my friends and family instead if being mortified by having to tell them "nothing" when they asked me what I had got. Birthdays and Christmas's were thoughtful and nice, valentines was flowers on time and out to dinner. We were getting on great.
Then this year I give him his valentines and he days thanks and opens it. Glances at me and was like, oh I didn't have time to get yours yet, I'll nip into the garage on the way to dinner (his fave restaurant that I booked) I told him not to bother.
He could make it up to me on mothers day though. I was hurt but trying not to be spoiled. It's just a day after all. Well, Mothers Day is this weekend coming. I asked him did we have any plans with his mum or could I book us into this wee high tea thing.
He looked at me and was like, oh I've sorted mum but I'm actually going away this weekend. I forgot to say we had to swap from the April date to next because friend couldn't go (boys weekend away).
I looked at him and said, OK, well you said you would make up for valentines on mothers day? Have you got me something from our child or should I get myself something? He was like, oh yeah you can get yourself something if you want, I haven't really had time. I asked what he got his mum and he gave me a massive list. I told him I was done.
Now he is calling me spoilt and that he will go for full custody and that I'm "throwing our family away" over some stupid commercialised holiday. I told him it was just the tip of the iceberg and that I was sick of him. He is now staying with his mum and I'm sat here with our toddler.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Let him try and have full custody of your child. I'd also reach out to the ex wife and say you are splitting up (but if you do this make sure 100% there is no going back only do this if you plan not to yo-yo) and would like to maintain a relationship with her child if not for you for your child etc.
Then go. You make more money. You are the more responsible one. He'll probably be despressed for two years again and not see his child and not be able to afford court so like to see full custody work out for him. Also you can have his ex wife on side to give an account of how he behaves...
Yeah it’s the UK, he can’t just demand full custody, he has no valid reason for it. He’s the one who’s on the back foot here, cos he’s been relying on her to live, not the other way round.
NTA but you are an idiot. You knew what kind of man he was when he wouldn’t get a job for two years. You knew what kind of man he was when he let you make his CV and take him to interviews. You knew what kind of man he was when he let you pay to take his ex-wife to court because it wasn’t important enough to him to do it himself in the years post divorce.
You knew all of this and you said you’d marry him. You knew all of this and still had a child with him. What kind of message are you sending your own child when you are willing to accept being the last place only with you for the money woman in your fiances life?
It was time to walk away long ago and think you know that. He’s using your words to make his short comings your fault and if you continue to let him then yes, you will be the AH!
I will NEVER understand why women continue to breed with men like this. I've been with a totally shitty guys, but never ever would have brought a child into the world with either cause I knew the first one shouldn't procreate and the 2nd wouldn't be supportive or a good coparent. I left and got a therapist instead each time.
They're way less expensive and a much better investment. Now I have a guy who treasures me and we're both working on growing together, and if something happened and I got pregnant, I know he'd be a good role model and supportive partner and parent. Standards and boundaries are good things.
36 year old loser of a man prowling around a 23 year old and expecting her to do everything for him and financially support him. And she does.