'My husband refused to look for our lost dog. AITA for throwing away his Xbox?' UPDATED
"My husband refused to look for our lost dog. AITA for throwing away his Xbox?"
For starters, I am a nurse (35F) I have been extremely busy these past three months, even writing this post is a privilege and I am having to do this in bits and pieces. I also gave birth to my daughter 6 months ago. I have an eight year old son as well. When I am not working, I take care of my children.
In January 2019, my son suddenly developed this strong desire to have a dog. He begged and begged for a puppy from my husband (35M). I protested against that because I had just found out that I was pregnant.
Jesus. My husband said that we should let our son have a puppy to teach him some responsibility and that it would give him some practice to take care of his baby sibling.
He had also promised that he would help our son take care of the dog. I was absolutely unconvinced but I had to give in eventually because my husband had already agreed and I didn't want to cause further fights.
5 days ago, my son had accidentally left the back door of our house open and the dog ran away. These 5 days were also some of the busiest, most grueling days of my work and I had to take up night shifts because a colleague had fallen sick.
Our son first went to my husband for help, he refused to help him and said that it was his (my son's) responsibility to care for the and he has to do something about it himself.
My husband has the privilege of working from home, he works at a law firm. He works for maybe 3-4 hours a day and plays Xbox the entire time and sometimes gets up to check up on our daughter. He literally has no added pressures.
5 days ago, when our son told me in tears that "dad won't look for Tippy", I talked to my husband, who said that it would teach our son some responsibility to take care of things in the future, which I found very callous since a dog is a living, sentient being and not a "thing".
He was playing Xbox when I was talking to him as well. He also said he won't look for the dog or anything. Yesterday, after coming home at night, the first thing I did was unplug the Xbox console and controller and throw it in the trash can.
This morning, before going to work, my husband threw a fit when he didn't find his Xbox in the living room. I told him that I'd thrown it away because he was so addicted to it that he couldn't even get up and help our distressed son.
When I came back from work, he told me he had found his Xbox in the trash since the garbage truck hadn't arrived then. Now, he's being incredibly snarky, giving me the cold shoulder and he's angry because his controller isn't working. He also hasn't taken any measures to look for our dog and our mutual best friend called and said my reaction was incredibly childish.
Now I am spending my free day calling every neighbour of ours, making internet posters and contacting animal shelters and Animal Control to see if Tippy had turned up anywhere and consoling my heartbroken son. AITA?
Edit: My husband is a lawyer. A lawyer's job depends on how many clients he has. My husband currently has almost no clients due to obvious reasons (he told me this himself). So his workload is significantly less. This is for all those people who are saying that I am downplaying his work.
Update: Tippy still hasn't been found yet. My shift has ended about 30 minutes ago and I'll go home and drive around in my neighborhood and surrounding areas to look for him. I have posted some pictures of Tippy on my profile, for those who requested. Husband is still sulking about his controller. I am at my wit's end.
Update 2: TIPPY HAS BEEN FOUND!!!!!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Wow your husband expected an 8 year old to go look thru town for the lost dog, by himself, cuz he wanted to play games instead? Well. What a terrible husband and father he is. Your kid won't forget it, that's for sure. NTA. I would have saved the Xbox, thrown out the husband.
pleaseiwanttobreath (OP)
Oh dear. That made me laugh. I am just so exhausted both mentally and physically that my husband's lack of response was just the last straw.
Girl it’s not a last straw, it’s a giant red flag. These are not the actions of a man who loves or respects his family.
Almost three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
First of all, thank you everyone for your immensely kind and considerate responses. I am thankful to each and everyone of you to give me such beautiful and encouraging messages. These kept me going, no joke.
Tippy was found 2 miles away from our house, a day after I posted ads and posters on several platforms and websites. A kind lady living alone had found him near her street, starving and exhausted. She responded to my calls for help on Facebook and I am utterly thankful to her. We need more people like her in this world :')
My son and Tippy are both ecstatic to be reunited, he takes care of him just like he did before, only now I have some time on my hands to help him as well. However, my son is still wary of his father and he'll likely remain so for a long time. Now he doesn't ask him for help at all.
As for my husband, he now treats Tippy as if he doesn't exist. He went and bought a new xbox controller right after Tippy was brought back and now demands that I pay him for damaging his property.
I am willing to pay because I realise my impulsive response was not the best decision and nor was it the best way to deal with my situation. My approach towards my husband's Xbox and my husband's approach towards Tippy were both horrible and irrational.
Many of you mentioned that my husband may have been neglecting our daughter.
It's unfortunate that you were right.
I started to notice some tender area and red skin around my daughter's diaper area around 2 weeks ago. She was uncomfortable, irritable and put up a fuss every time I tried to change her diaper. Turns out she was suffering from a diaper rash.
Diaper rashes can occur for a variety of reasons, none of which were applying to my daughter. She wasn't on antibiotics, she had soft cotton clothes, her bowel movements were normal and we weren't using any new products on her.
This left only one option. Her diapers weren't being changed frequently. I was away from home for 5 days. I asked my husband how many times he had changed her diapers.
A baby her age needs her diaper changed at least once every 3 hours. My husband outright said he was changing them every 7 hours or so for those 5 days because he didn't think that they needed to be changed as much as before because she was now 6 months old. He had raised a son with me before, it's a ridiculous excuse.
The diaper rash is gone now, but now I am scared to ever leave my baby with him when I go to work. I will have to sit down and reconsider everything and have a long talk with him soon. It's inevitable. He still plays Xbox just like he used to play before. I will never forget how a bunch of strangers jumped to help me find our dog. Thank you, you lovely people. ♥️
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Happy to hear that Tippy was found but from your update there's still a long road to getting things resolved. If your little girl isn't getting a diaper change for 7 hours though that's terrible since it means she's getting no interaction either since presumably he's not close enough that the smell bothers him.
So sorry you're going through this, hope the counseling works but you may want to think of alternate help if you can get it for the sake of the kids.
Ignoring the dog thing which is already incredibly and unacceptably cruel to your son, he let your baby daughter sit in her own feces and urine to the point where it started to degrade her skin.
How long did he ignore her crying? Did he feed her any more often than he changed her? Did he smell her diaper and decide it was too much effort to change it? Did he not smell her diaper because he ignored her and left her in a different room to play video games for 7 hours at a time?
Did he think not changing her was some kind of punishment for her using her diaper? Do you really want to be married to someone who abuses and neglects your children? Your daughter can’t speak. YOU have to advocate for her.
I hope she's left him by now.