Woman throws out boyfriend’s 'unique' relationship 'performance report' where he says she's 'been slacking.' AITA? + UPDATE
"AITJ for throwing my boyfriend’s 'performance report' of our relationship out?"
shi420-
So I (27F) have been with my boyfriend “Mark” (29M) for 3 years. We live together in a small apartment, nothing fancy but it works. Anyway, Mark’s always been a bit… particular about stuff. Like, he folds his socks into these little balls and gets all weird if I don’t. Whatever. I deal with it cuz I love him, you know?
But recently, he’s been on this kick about “optimizing” our life or whatever. He watches these YouTube dudes who say dumb stuff like “your partner should add value to your existence” and “relationships are about ROI” (???) and now he thinks he’s a genius.
So last week, we’re eating dinner, and out of nowhere, he goes, “I think we need to have a performance review for our relationship.” I’m like, “A WHAT now?” He says it’s like at a job, where you check in and see if things are going well or need improvement. I honestly thought he was joking, so I laughed. Big mistake.
He pulls out a FOLDER. A legit, actual folder with papers in it. This man wrote up a whole list of stuff I need to “improve on” like I’m a bad employee or something. He’s like, “You’ve been slacking on cooking meals, and I feel like your gym attendance is inconsistent. Also, you don’t fold my socks the right way, which shows a lack of attention to detail.”
Y’ALL. I stared at him like he grew a second head. I said, “Are YOU doing a performance review on ME?” And he’s like, “Yes, but don’t take it personally. It’s just about making sure we’re both putting in 100%.” So I ask, “Where’s YOUR performance review?” And he blinks at me and says, “Well, I don’t think that’s necessary because I’m already doing a lot.”
So I snapped. I said, “Mark, I’m your girlfriend, not your employee. And if you want 100%, maybe try being a 100% boyfriend first.” I grabbed the folder and threw it in the trash. He got mad and said I was “being emotional” and “not open to constructive criticism.”
Now he’s barely speaking to me and says I embarrassed him by overreacting. His best friend said I should’ve “heard him out” because it’s a “unique approach” to a relationship. But like… am I crazy here?? AITA?
Edit: Wow, this post blew up.. I am planning on leaving him soon. Will update when I do that[tomorrow probably].
Edit 2: I broke up with him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
redditexplorer787
You’re not the jerk but your boyfriend is. Maybe should have thrown him out with the report.
sparksgirl1223
I'd have given him a report first.
Then thrown him out.
childishbambina
NTA you should give your boyfriend a performance review back and ask him how he likes it. The fact that he took the position of the employer and forced you into the employee position wreaks of presumed power dynamics that your boyfriend thinks he is in charge of the relationship and is in a position of authority over you.
childishbambina
NTA you should give your boyfriend a performance review back and ask him how he likes it. The fact that he took the position of the employer and forced you into the employee position wreaks of presumed power dynamics that your boyfriend thinks he is in charge of the relationship and is in a position of authority over you.
YOLO_626
This is just like the boyfriend that did the PowerPoint on his GF’s cooking, guess what he’s single now and a joke at his job since his work found out!
ArreniaQ
A woman who was born in 1920 knew I was struggling with a relationship that was failing. She was not a huggy feely type person, but she came up to me one day, hugged me and whispered in my ear: " There are worse things than being alone".
That was the only time I ever saw her hug anyone. I'm nearly the age now that she was when she told me that. She's been gone for over 20 years now, and I will never forget the gift of peace and calm she gave me in my life by saying those words.
I pass them on to you. Dump him. You are much more valuable than you realize and should not be anyone's servant or employee. Let him do his own laundry and cook his own meals.
You are not responsible for going to the gym because he thinks you should. You are NOT his to improve. If he doesn't love and value you for simply choosing to spend your time with him, then he's not worth being in your life.
Luna_Sterling
Oh hell nah I would have thrown the whole man away so damn fast. He turned a relationship into a business deal he easily could have had a sit down and be mature about it. And the whole "I don't need a list cause I'm already doing a lot. Put a magnifying glass on that behaviour and really try to see if there's a mask slipping cause eww.
curiousity60
NTJ. He used his "performance review" to mask complaining about ways you are different from him or his imaginary version of you as his "perfect girlfriend." What nerve! As if he is your superior with the authority and right to evaluate your work performance and specify where you need to improve!
His intention is all the more clear in his not turning his critical eye to his own behavior. Only yours. His behavior is rude, demeaning, controlling and invalidating of your unique point of view and autonomy. He is not your superior, not your manager, not your judge. I would be insulted and angry. How dare he try "to improve" you by telling you how to think and do things his way!
alycewandering7
I am so sick of men listening to these influencers and then pulling shit like this, or worse. You are NTJ but your boyfriend is a huge AH. Give him a performance review and at the end let him know you are dissolving the relationship as you are not satisfied and he is not giving 100%. He is an immature child and has some nerve. You deserve so much better.