'AITA for shouting at my husband and throwing my MIL out.'
"AITA for shouting at my husband and throwing my MIL out"
Certain-Ad4543
I (27 F) have been married to my husband, (I’ll refer to him as the fake name Alex) (36 M), for 7 years and we have 2 children together. We have a 3 year old girl and a baby (2 weeks).
A week ago my MIL (we’ll call her Kathy) recently had a pretty bad breakup with a long term partner of hers. Following this, Kathy asked Alex if she could stay with us for a while; he obliged.
Alex didn’t run this by me but as this is his mother and she is going through a rough patch, I let it go.
Now here’s where the problem begins:
My MIL has been constantly critiquing my parenting and even inserting herself in me and Alex’s finances. I’m no stranger to her bashing my parenting when we would see her on holidays with my toddler but this was her first time staying with us for so long.
Some of my MIL’s bashing goes as follows — baby is mainly formula fed (I want to breastfeed exclusively but my milk supply is low and I’ve been working with my baby’s pediatrician).
She goes on long rants about how I’m “feeding my baby poison” and “throwing money down the drain” and how she “breastfed her children with no problems!” And that I need to stop being lazy.
As well as a thousand critiques about how I’m holding baby too much and Ill spoil her. (No amount of telling her my conversations with my baby’s pediatrician put an end to this.)
And when I make my 3 year old something quick for breakfast or lunch and my MIL goes on about how “I’m home all day doing nothing and can’t be bothered to cook my child a real meal)
My final straw happened last night:
I’m currently on maternity leave (elementary school teacher) my husband is working and makes about 3x what I make.
When my husband got home from work, I asked him to watch the kids for a few minutes while I took a shower. My MIL says I’m being lazy and a gold digger and that I expect her son to do all the work and then come home and babysit.
I lost it. I shouted at her to go back to her own house, and to mind her own parenting. My husband then said I can’t do that to my own MIL and that she lives all on her own now and that I was being cruel.
I shouted at him that she has 3 other children she can stay with, that he lets her get away with talking to his wife that way and what kind of husband is he. My MIL and Alex left, Alex said he’ll stay with his mother for a night or two. I called my sister and mom over to help with the kids and to talk to them.
I feel like I may be TA because even though Alex has heard many of the remarks she’s made about me and my parenting, I probably should’ve talked to him about it and now it made me feel.
Edit: apologies for not responding sooner, I just got a chance to check my phone for the first time since I posted… thank you for all of the feedback, I’ll read through as much as I can when I can!
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Trace9217
There are three people mentioned here and two of them are AHs. You’re not one of them. I know you might feel like one for blowing up at her and your husband taking her side but the way I see it: You are a good, loving mother. You might parent differently than your MIL did but that doesn’t make her way better.
Your husband should be standing up for you rather than enabling her cruelty toward you. He must see that you’re a good mother, why else would he trust you to care for the kids, or have a second child with you?
So he needed to put a stop to the criticism. Instead he sided with her! Staying with HER for a few nights leaving you with a newborn? Because of a breakup? Yeah they suck, but she’s a grown ass woman.
sikonat
You have a AH husband problem. He’s sat by while you’re verbally abused by his mum and he thinks it’s acceptable.
Environmental_Art591
He invited his mum in without consulting OP yet according to him she isn't allowed to kick out his overstepping, interfering mother without his permission. Hell no. OP is 2 WEEKS POST PARTUM. MIL needs to go and if Alex doesn't get his head out mums butt, he can go too.
RileysVoice
NTA and your husband is a shitty husband. No matter what he does do to be a good husband, his behaviour and unwillingness to stand up to his mother and understand she is wrong is not ok, and that outranks the parts of being a good husband and makes him a shizzz one.
You need to give him an ultimatum, and come up with an exit plan, just in case it ever got to that stage. Regardless of her being his mother, you and the kids are his family and it’s your home, she does not get to dictate or disrespect you and he is a crappy husband and father for allowing that behaviour under his roof.
Peony-Pony
NTA Good use of the post partum diddums! I'm with you, if you're going to criticize me, help or shut up and leave.
"I shouted at her to go back to her own house, and to mind her own parenting.
My husband then said I can’t do that to my own MIL and that she lives all on her own now and that I was being cruel. I shouted at him that she has 3 other children she can stay with, that he lets her get away with talking to his wife that way and what kind of husband is he."
Well said and done. The icing on the cake is knowing her nibs is seething knowing your mother and sister stepped up to help out. Your husband should take notice, your safety net is secure and fully operational. Your husband needs to grow up and be a husband.
The OP responded here:
Certain-Ad4543
Ty for the feedback! Yes to the safety net, I’m very grateful for my mom and sister and them dropping everything to be with me during this.
ParsimoniousSalad
NTA. 1. Your husband invited his mother to stay with you, without asking, when you are 2 wks post-delivery. 2. He heard many of her mean remarks and never once stepped in to defend you/ tell her to back the hell off and stay in her lane. Your husband owes you a BIG apology before he gets to come back. I don't even need to get into how much of an A.H. MIL acted like - that one is too damn easy.
EDIT: I'm even wondering how involved your husband is (as a parent) if he isn't even aware of the milk supply issue and what the pediatrician has said about other things. Why wouldn't he even speak up about issues that involve HIS child?