'I told my boyfriend that I'm no longer interested in marriage.' AITA? UPDATED
"I told my boyfriend that I'm no longer interested in marriage."
I (33f) met have been in a 10 year relationship with my boyfriend "Carl" (33m). After the first year of our relationship I made it very clear that I intended to be a wife someday.
By the time I was 28 I started to remind him of my goals and expectations and Carl told me that while he knew he wanted to marry me he just wasn't ready yet and didn't like how I was pressuring him and called me controlling. Eventually we broke up but six months later we got back together and even moved in.
Looking back on it now, I realize that that wasn't the best decision but I was so emotionally attached to this man and felt so invested that I was willing to go back to him. Carl and I have now been living together for four years and while I stopped being happy about it after the first six months, living with him isn't a bad experience.
Plus I always thought that us getting married was just around the corner, because he said he was ready to commit to me but he wanted to wait for the right time because I deserved a "perfect proposal" and a more stable husband.
I've been going to therapy for the past two years and recently had an epiphany. Since childhood I have always wanted a wedding but never really gave much thought to being a married woman 24/7 and what that would mean.
Given my country's shift in politics and new laws that politicians are trying to pass, I realized that not only am I fine with never getting married but I'm starting to lean more into no longer possessing the desire to do it.
Since then it feels like I've been set free in a way and started focusing on myself. One of the major things that I've done is tell Carl that I'll no longer assist with babysitting his nephews and niece and instead focus more of my time into getting certified in something to increase my earning potential and just relaxing.
Carl seemed nonchalant about it at first but then said that we needed to have a sit down when I sent Carl's mom and his brother a text that they had three weeks before I stopped helping out completely.
Carl said that while he understands my desire for more personal time, it's important to be there and sacrifice for family. I told him that he could switch around his own work schedule and help with the kids since they're technically his family, and he said that the children love me and that one day they'd be my family too once we were man and wife.
It was in that moment that I told him that I no longer desired marriage and while I gave my reasons Carl still took it as me wanting to break up with him and/or thinking that he would make a terrible husband. That is not the case at all but he's starting to lash out and get suspicious and I just don't know what to do. How can I get my boyfriend to see that it's me not him?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. So he can unilaterally decide when you need to act like a wife and when he doesn’t need to act like a husband? Nah, bro overplayed his hand and now he needs to deal with the consequences.
The carrot he was holding over OPs head is now rotten and no longer of interest for OP. He cannot use it to pressure her anymore into things like babysitting his nibblings. The "maybe someday, have faith" is gone.
Now, if OP finally realises she doesn't want to be with him anymore, she can just leave without sacrificing anything. The first thing was feeling relieved, the first action to quit babysitting. That says a lot...
NTA, but are you sure you want to be with him? It kind of sounds like, for a long time, you've both needed to go your own way but are too scared of life without each other.
Your mistake is thinking its your responsibility to 'help' him adjust. You are not his Mom or wife. Let him be suspicious and do not accept 'lashing out' of any kind.
NTA. You just took away his leverage! How DARE you! How else is he supposed to keep you in check, if he can’t hold a (distant) hope of marriage over your head. He thinks that “it’s important to be there and sacrifice for family “, but why are YOU the one to sacrifice - after all, they’re HIS niblings, not yours.
I think that this new ( and powerful) attitude of yours is shaking up the power balance in your relationship and your BF is trying to steer back to where you were.
Seven months later, the OP returned with an update.
Okay so things were a little tense over the next few days because we were either fighting or just not talking to each other. He even moved into the spare bedroom one day and he stopped giving me money for his share of the streaming services that we both use and I technically pay for.
I even but to mute his mama and brother for a little bit. Then once Valentine's Day was right around the corner he did a complete 180 and started speaking to me again and even apologized for his initial reaction and seemed really receptive to hearing my reasons.
He then he told me he planned a special day for us the weekend after Valentine's Day which I was delighted to hear. On the day of I woke up to him gone but with breakfast laid out for me and a text message saying that there was work emergency and that he had to go in for a couple hours and told me to go meet him at the movie theater downtown by 3PM.
I thought cool. I chilled for a bit then got ready and headed out. By 2:55PM I sent him a text message asking where he was and responded by saying he accidentally type the wrong time and that the movie wouldn't start until 5PM, and he meant was that he wouldn't be able to leave work until 3PM.
He's had a case of fat fingers and butt dials before so I initially didn't think much and just decided to go walking around by outlet close by to kill time. Then I got another text saying that he'd change our online ticket reservations because he was still stuck at the office and to just chill until 7PM.
This time I grew suspicious but instead of calling or texting back with questions I just gave him a thumbs and sent a selfie of me at one of my favorite stores, then started to drive back home.
Normally getting back to our apartment from the downtown area where I was at around this time of day on a weekend can be a bit of a challenge but today traffic was decent. Then when I pull up to complex I see a moving truck. No big deal January/February is when a lot of people have moved out or in before so I understood.
Why did I see some of Carl's friends near the truck? Why did I see some of Carl's friend moving the couch that I paid for into the truck? I called the police and told them that I was actively being robbed. I stayed in the car for a while trying to calm myself down until I saw Carl helping a man load my bookshelf into the back of his pick up truck. I got out and confronted him.
This man was trying to keep me out of the apartment all day so he could quietly move out and take my furniture. And I say "my" furniture because I was the one who picked it all out and paid for most of everything and I readily shared the email confirmation order number(s)/receipts that I had archived when the police showed up.
The man tried to take my bookshelf because apparently Carl had sold it to him, but that wasn't my problem and that I'd press charges on everyone if my stuff wasn't back in my place.
We got into a huge argument and the police tried to brush this off as a civil matter since Carl and I lived together but I went into the station the next day and spoke to a female officer who was of better help. My dining room set, spices, blender, groceries, lamps, TV, coffee table, and mattress were gone but Carl's friends did put back the couch which was a pull out.
The middle man between my landlord and me did speak to Carl about wanting to take his name off the lease but did not follow the proper protocol and confirming with me that I would take on full responsibility of rent so I did file a complaint.
I ended up leaving the complex and moving somewhere else and pressed charges against Carl and his friends if only to create a paper trail and help in my civil case against my ex.
In the end I was able to get some financial compensation for what I lost and he has until November to pay it all. I wasn't even sad that he didn't want to be with me anymore just outraged by how he tried to go about it.
It is very clear that he wanted to "punish" me and I'm so glad that I never ended up marrying this man. I completed my certification, got a promotion and the pay raise that comes with it, and my dad has agreed to give me the money he was saving for my future wedding as a downpayment for house. After this entire experience I am now ten toes down in never getting married.
Also, as a side note, since Carl's brother couldn't provide consistent child care on his days the mother filed for full custody and now Carl's brother pays child support.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Carl was a loser. there are good men out there. he was not one.
And here I thought he was going for a proposal that was going to backfire. Somehow he did a much worse thing. What a moron. Also hilarious for that commentor to accuse her of stringing him along.
Same!! I thought he was setting up a proposal and making sure he had maximum friends/family there to make sure she couldn't possibly tell him no and humiliate him in front of everyone. He was ROBBING THEIR HOUSE.
I’m sure Carl convinced himself he had been done wrong and the stuff was payment for what OP “did to him.”
Some people are just a different breed. Like I would be SO embarrassed to have it revealed in front of all my family and friends that the reason we were doing this mid-day sneaky move was because I was trying to steal from my ex-girlfriend. Because I am an adult man in my 30s who did not and apparently cannot pay for my own coffee table.
OP changed the power dynamics which is what caused the initial fight, however guys who are not ready for years and years and then do break up tend to find someone new and commit very quickly. In general those who are "not ready" after this long are really saying they are not interested in their current partner.
Carl wanted wife privileges but never wanted to be a husband that deserves that. Deadbeat scumbag. The only thing I wish for Carl is a racing car bed and for him to record a negatively received single about his relationship with OP.