'AITA because I told my brother he couldn’t afford to have kids?' + UPDATE
"AITA because I told my brother he couldn’t afford to have kids?"
kiannakisses
Hi, I just want to share what my experience is recently. I (25F) have always been financially independent, working hard to build my career. My brother (30M) has two kids (2M and 2F) and he and his wife have been struggling financially for years probably because of their spending habits and lifestyle.
They constantly ask our family for help, and while my parents enable this behavior, I’ve always kept my distance. A few weeks ago, my brother asked me for $3,000 to cover some bills, claiming it was for the kids.
He did not bother to elaborate on what expenses. So I told him that he and his wife should have thought about their financial situation before having children. He exploded, calling me selfish, heartless, and saying I don’t understand because I don’t have kids.
This caused a huge fight in the family. My parents are upset with me for “not supporting family,” but I think it’s ridiculous that I’m expected to bail out my brother every time he makes poor decisions.
He chose to have kids knowing full well they couldn’t afford it. My mom says I should help “for the sake of my niece and nephew,” but I think it’s not my responsibility to clean up their mess. Now the family is divided, and I’m being painted as the bad guy for “refusing to help innocent kids.” AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
DaisyCharmx
Nah, NTA. You’re not a personal ATM for your bro’s bad choices. Helping the kids is one thing, but bailing him out every time? That’s just enabling. He needs to fix his habits, not keep asking you for cash.
Couette-Couette
And in case OP would like to help the children (of course, she doesn't have to), she should ask to pay directly for the things they need (school fee, subscription to sport clubs, etc).
CompleteTell6795
That's a LOT of $$$. If he was asking for $100 to buy the kids school shoes , ok, that I can see. But $3K ???. Tell him the last time you checked, your name wasn't Rockefeller. 🤣
Unhappy-Goat5638
What is the thing with siblings and parents shaming the child with the most rational behaviour? Stand your ground and don't enable this parasitic and victim behaviour. You are NTA at all.
The dude didn't even elaborate on the expenses, and I would like to know which kid costs 3000$ in a month. He probably wants the new PS5 lol.
FloMoJoeBlow
Another one of those "for the sake of family" posts. NTA.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
kiannakisses
I wasn’t expecting my last post to blow up like it did. Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts, even the tough love. I thought things couldn’t get worse with my family, but boy, was I wrong.
After I refused to give my brother $3,000, my parents stepped in without telling me and took out a personal loan to “help him get back on his feet.” When I found out, I was furious.
I knew this would only enable him, but what really pissed me off was how he spent the money. Turns out, only half of it went to bills. The rest? He bought a brand-new tv, a sofa, and sorts of appliances upgrades, all because “the kids deserved something good growing up at home”.
When I confronted him, he had the audacity to say I didn’t understand because I don’t have kids, and that his kids “deserve to feel normal” despite their financial struggles.
He even called me bitter and jealous because I’m child-free, which is just ridiculous. What really blew my mind was that my mom backed him up, saying, “Everyone needs a little luxury sometimes,” and told me I was being “too harsh.”
At this point, I was livid. I laid it out for them: this isn’t about luxury, this is about basic responsibility. If you can’t afford to pay rent or utilities, maybe a new furniture or appliances shouldn’t be your priority!
My brother stormed out of the room, but then my dad stepped in, saying, “We’re family. We take care of each other.” I replied, “Family doesn’t mean I have to bankroll his bad decisions.”
It didn’t stop there. The next day, I started getting passive-aggressive texts from my brother’s wife. She said I was a horrible aunt for refusing to help and accused me of “turning my back on family.”
She even brought my job into it, saying I’m privileged because I have a stable high income, and that I “owe it to my niece and nephew” to help since they don’t get to live the same lifestyle I do. She ended the message with, “How can you sleep at night knowing my kids are suffering?” Suffering? They have more new gadgets than I do!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
SeaworthinessDue8650
Block your brother and his wife. Tell your parents that if they can afford to give your brother money, they don't need your money and you will not later bail them out in the future. Talk to lawyer and write a will to make sure your money goes where you want it to go.
Chemical-Mood-9699
NTA. "How do you sleep?" The response is "very well, since the kids didn't wake me up 4 times" Screw them.
cutiepieebabe
This sounds like a classic case of "blame the responsible one". It's not your responsibility to clean up after your brother's financial messes, and it's definitely not your job to fund his luxury purchases.
Your brother and his wife need a reality check. Keep standing your ground and don't let them guilt-trip you into enabling their irresponsible behavior. And yes, I can sleep just fine knowing I'm not footing the bill for their frivolous spending.
kiannakisses
Just some retrospecting:
He was the supposed “golden child”. High academic grades, extroverted, likable, and a child foreseeably “successful”. He had a lot of expectations to meet and naturally he was coddled mostly growing up.
When he graduated he got a job but career never took off and stagnated. He chose a partner who was “never good for him” as some would say. This situation is just so frustrating.
georgeousxlissy
Your family’s really mastered the art of enabling bad behavior. So, your brother thinks his kids deserve luxury while he’s in debt, and your mom’s playing the “everyone needs a little luxury” card.
Sounds like a textbook case of misplacing priorities. Keep standing firm—funding bad decisions isn’t “family support,” it’s a free pass to continue screwing up.