'AITA for telling my ex to give me full custody of our kids if she wants my help?'
"AITA for telling my ex to give me full custody of our kids if she wants my help?"
I (34) have two sons (11 and 9) with my ex (34). We broke up after I found out she had been cheating on me with this guy "Luke". She didn't fight me on it until she told Luke she was pregnant and he disappeared. Then she told me the baby was mine and we should try to make it work. I told her we'd need a DNA test but regardless we were never getting back together.
She had her daughter and DNA proved she wasn't mine. We weren't married so it made it less complicated regarding birth certificates and such. She did try to put my name on her daughter's birth certificate anyway but was told she could not.
Our co-parenting relationship was so high conflict that we ended up needing to communicate through a parenting app only and the courts signed off on this. Unless there's an emergency of course. We can try to text or email or call but the other party is not required to acknowledge it unless it's an emergency. She hated it because she wear me down to accepting her daughter but I did not.
About two years later she dated a guy called Shaun and suddenly Shaun was her daughter's real dad and I had peace, which was nice. But they also tried to cause troubles with my sons. Luckily my boys and I had such a good relationship that my ex and Shaun couldn't come between us. My ex and Shaun were together for about 2.5 years maybe 3. He got her pregnant and then they had a son and he left.
My ex yet again tried to get me to take on her other children. She tried to get our children against me. The courts ordered her to attend therapy and parenting classes. Custody was not changed, we always had 50-50, but she was told there would be monetary fines if she engaged in alienation again. I was also able to get our children therapy at this point.
Any time one of our boys had an event it was difficult for a while. My ex would try to sit near me and she had convinced her daughter that I'm her dad. I told my ex to correct it because I wasn't going to take on her daughter so she wouldn't feel bad. Her son was too young to really know what was going on.
I did try for more/full custody on four different occasions over the way my ex was trying to use our sons and was creating more problems and mess for them. Even with the therapist saying the kids really hated being with their mom and they'd have more stability with me, the two judges we have seen so far have refused to change custody from 50-50. And that's where I'll lead into the next part.
So my ex is now married and she has another daughter and this one is with her husband. Before the child they shared he was okay with her other two kids. Now he doesn't want to know them.
Even I can see that during very brief and limited interactions but she texts me about it (and I never respond). One of the four attempts at custody was when she admitted her house is hell and how much her kids are suffering because of it. But the judge still denied me.
Anyway, she wants me to be there for her other two kids. I still say no. She told me she needs my help. This is when I said the only help I would give is taking full custody of our boys.
She freaked and told me I shouldn't separate them from their family and get in the way of the sibling relationship, which honestly to me my boys don't seem to have a close or otherwise involved relationship with any of their three half siblings.
The therapist even stated this. But my ex is calling me an a#$ and saying I shouldn't take such a hard stance and should be helping for our sons' sake. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. What a s&^%ty situation for you and your sons. Your best bet is do not interact at all outside of issues with your sons. I hope things get better. Sometimes judges suck.
Ok-Cream-4686 OP:
I try to do just that and until I replied to all this after ages of getting texts about it all I did communicate with her about was our boys.
I’m surprised the judges aren’t budging, is there anything that can be done about that?
family court judges often prioritize keeping children with both parents whenever possible, even if one parent is less than ideal. They may also be hesitant to make drastic changes without extremely compelling evidence.
NTA. This woman doesn't only need a parenting class, but also an intensive s&^*&al education class with a focus on proper birth control, FFS. 🙄
JFC does this woman know where babies come from?! She needs to stop breeding
Ok-Cream-4686 OP:
She knows. She just doesn't seem to care about stopping the stream of babies she's having.
Is she at least a good mom to your two? Or is she as much as a clusterf*$& as I imagine? I feel bad for you and your kids. Some people are just crazy town banana pants. But also I will literally pay for her birth control
Ok-Cream-4686 OP:
She's not as good of a mom as our kids deserve. I know parents who are worse than her but our boys deserve a lot better.
Wow what a mess. This is so above my pay grade. I would say NTA and hope that instead of her having 5 kids at her house, only having the 3 there might calm things down over at her house. In any case, whatever is best for your sons is your priority. Good luck.
Ok-Cream-4686 OP:
It won't be better for two of her kids but at least my sons would be out of that messy and toxic dynamic she has built over there.
NTA. Do you have an actual lawyer to assist you with these judges? You will be surprised how often judges don't look at evidence until representation points s^%$ out and asks them questions about it. She also admits life in that house is hell. Have you contacted CPS and used her own words as a reason to open an investigation?
Ok-Cream-4686 OP:
I have a lawyer and I have appeared in front of a judge with it. No, I never did but I know CPS was called on her at one point and investigated but all that came from that was more parenting classes.
NTA. Send her birth control brochures. She needs to realize that trying to baby trap a guy doesn’t give the results she wants, it’s failed 4 out of 4 times so far. She needs to go after the other fathers of her children for support and custody. Where are her parents in all of this? And the parents of the fathers? How old are the rest of her kids?
Ok-Cream-4686 OP:
Her parents are flaky people. Once their kids were in their mid to late teens they started exploring their own interests and traveling the world more. They just weren't there. The siblings aren't close in her family either. Not sure about the families of the different fathers. Her other kids are 7 and underish.