'I told my husband to stop helping his siblings financially. Am I overreacting?'
"I told my husband to stop helping his siblings financially. Am I overreacting?"
I (38F) and my husband (40M) have been together over 20 years, married for 16. Early in our relationship, he supported his family financially, as his parents couldn’t and his siblings were still in school. I supported him fully, even letting him live rent-free in my apartment for 5 years to help save costs.
When I had to move back to my hometown to take over the family business, he came with me, saying his siblings were now self-sufficient and he no longer needed to support them. We got married shortly after, and since then, we've lived far from his family.
His family rarely contacted us unless they needed money, often disguising it as wanting to see him. They took vacations without telling us and only reached out when they needed financial help—especially when their parents were hospitalized. Despite always apologizing to me, my husband helped them every time.
Both his parents passed away in 2020 and the family home was sold. His siblings took larger shares of the inheritance, saying we were well off. I didn’t agree but let it go, it wasn't mine anyway. I suggested my husband invest his share, which thankfully still generates passive income today.
That remains his alone. Since then, his siblings barely reached out, which I didn’t mind. Last year, one sibling needed expensive surgery. We found out they’d blown their inheritance on a fancy house and other indulgences.
They asked my husband to sell our property (my parents gifted us a house and car when we got married and the rest I inherited from them when they passed away in 2022) or liquidate his investment to pay the hospital bill. He was furious, said this would be the last time, and we covered half the cost (100k) out of pocket. Government aid covered 30%, and we told the siblings to handle the rest.
They refused to sell the house, even though one sibling was now disabled and unable to work. We urged them again to sell and split the proceeds among themselves (not including husband) for medical costs, but they declined saying that it was their only investment.
Recently, I discovered they were secretly messaging my husband for more money—and he was sending it without telling me. I confronted him and told him to stop. He argued that I was being unreasonable because the money was for medication and living expenses, but I pointed out they refuse to sell their house and are relying on his help instead. So, am I really the ahole for refusing to keep helping them?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Clear-Cabinet7167 said:
NTA. They’re grown adults that are taking your husband (and you) for a ride. If money from your inheritance has been used to help them, then you absolutely have a say here and the saying is "stop. No more."
IndividualAd4459 said:
NTA but you have a husband problem and I mean that gently. His siblings clearly know how to manipulate him and will do so without a hint of remorse or shame. This pattern will continue on forever. There will never be a bottom and they will always expect you to subsidize them.
You need your husband to STOP. He’s got to let them sink or swim on their own. I am pretty sure that if it comes down to it, they’ll figure out something. Either way, the handouts must stop.
I don’t like ultimatums but this is a situation where you’re being taken advantage of without consent because your husband can’t say no. It’s time to face the music that you may need to see if his siblings’ manipulation or you is more of a priority for him. Good luck.
96JMC said:
NTA. The longer your husbands siblings are dependent on his handouts, the harder it will be for them to become independent adults who can handle themselves. About time to cut them off financially and let them figure it out by themselves.
Will be painful at first, but will do them the world of good in the long term. Tell your husband this and explain how his handouts are hindering his siblings' growth.
bunnybates said:
NTA...but...you're in a bad marriage. He's never going to change, you have NOTHING to do with anyone else's potential, you can't make him do anything, but you can try to get a better life for yourself. How long are you willing to live like this? Please talk to a lawyer and please get the therapy that you deserve.
Kindly_Jellyfish_451 said:
NTA. Your husband was doing this behind your back??!! That is a HUGE breach of trust—one that would upset me far more than the lost money. It’s easy to see what’s going on here…your husband felt unloved and under-valued by his family in childhood, and the child within is still seeking that love and approval.
I would insist on therapy, warning him that his continuing to chase after the approval of callous, uncaring relatives is on track for spoiling his relationship with the people who truly love and value him (namely, you).
pandora5bc said:
NTA, but this is a hill to die on, tell him if he gives them money again you’ll file for divorce. This is not fair to you.
BourbonSn4ke said:
NTA but your husband is. He has lied and is being manipulated or is just soft on his family but his family will not stop until they have everything that you have. You need to get your husband to cut them off at the limb, full block no contact and a full audit on your savings to see how far the rot has gone. You have already given away far too much and I would say counseling is needed to sure up the marriage.