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'AITA for telling my daughter she picked a bad wedding date which is why nobody RSVP'd?'

'AITA for telling my daughter she picked a bad wedding date which is why nobody RSVP'd?'


AITA telling my daughter she has to understand that choosing this wedding date would result in my family not going?

Imaginary_Form9887 writes:

About two years ago, my brother, my nephew, and my mother were in a car accident. My mother died instantly, while my brother and nephew passed away the next day. My family was small, consisting of me, my husband, daughter, parents, brother, his wife, and two nephews. Their loss devastated my life and everyone else's, particularly my father and sister-in-law.

A year ago, my daughter, Betty (25F), was proposed to by her fiancé, and preparations began for their wedding. During this process, they chose the date based on the day they met (7 years ago), coincidentally aligning with the anniversary of my brother and nephew's death.

I tried discussing moving the date with her, as it remains a very difficult day for our family, including myself, but she insisted, citing the venue's availability and the significance of the chosen date. I respected her decision.

Recently, she sent out invitations, and as I anticipated, my sister-in-law, nephew (24M), and father declined, expressing that the date choice was hurtful to them, although they did not convey this directly to her. I opted to remain neutral and confirmed my attendance, along with my husband (who doesn't have family on his side).

Today, my daughter called me upset that only a few had confirmed attendance, with her family's part notably empty. She expected everyone to attend, especially after explaining the significance of the date, but they declined.

While trying to be supportive, I expressed to her, "Love, this date is difficult for me too, but I will be at your wedding. However, you must understand that this date choice had consequences, and you have to deal with them."

She reacted strongly, feeling that everyone was against her, asserting that it wasn't her fault the dates coincided and that everyone could have made an effort to attend for a few hours. She accused me of essentially saying "I told you so" and abruptly ended the call. We haven't spoken since. My husband empathized with me but suggested I should have stayed out of it. AITA?

Here are some of the top comments from the post:

BetweenWeebandOtaku says:

NTA. I mean, you told her exactly why this would happen and she didn't listen. I think she was more upset in front of you than at you, if that makes sense. She's venting.

But also kinda thoughtless to think that everyone would just swallow their grief to watch her get married on a really painful anniversary.

saberzerqx says:

NTA, either she picks a different day or should expect most of your family to not come. Personally I'd have a hard time celebrating my wedding on the exact same day my grandma, uncle, and cousin died. The fact she's taken it this far is already gross, and she should hope it's not too late to change the date and beg for forgiveness.

fluffticles says:

Are there any rifts in the family that you haven't mentioned? I understand that your daughter is young and the date is important to her in a different way but am I reading this correctly? She met her fiancé on the day her grandmother, uncle and cousin died.

And yet to her, it's only a happy day and she would like her happiness to trump the sadness of her family, the same family she would like at her wedding. I find myself speechless... Your daughter is a monster unless I have misunderstood some details.

OP responded:

No, no, they met 7y ago on the same day/month of their deaths.

Margenius says:

NTA. This feels like a situation where you bore the brunt of her upset because you are the one she trusts and communicates with. That sucks but doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. It probably means you have handled it correctly by discussing with her how difficult this is, allowing her to vent her frustration.

This is a really tough situation all around. I can see why she wants the focus to be on this date from one angle, which is a beautiful and loving one. However, it's not realistic to expect everyone else to see it the same way, especially when it's a devastating anniversary for them. It's unfair of the universe that these things line up this way and always will.

But it doesn't obligate anyone else to do or change a single thing they need to do on a day that is about deep grief for them. Reading the post, I almost wonder if, at some level, this is its own kind of grief reaction, depending on how close she was to your late family members. It's almost a kind of magical wishful thinking to behave as though she can redefine the meaning of this date for the people in your extended family.

Unless she is consistently selfish or difficult, this choice seems strange and insistent in the face of reality, which I don't mean in a mean way. I also wonder if grief that's still being processed is in the mix, given the way she framed it in her call with you - that if they cared, they'd make the effort and come, as though this is a referendum on love for her versus love for the people lost.

It might be way off base, but I wonder if some element of her grief involves comparing herself to survivor's guilt or something that's in the mix around what is a strange choice in the face of an awful loss in a close and small family.

What do you think? Was OP right to not be surprised by the lack of attendance to her daughter's wedding?

Sources: Reddit
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