'AITA if I told my ex that his new GF told me to 'back the f off already?' UPDATED

"AITA if I told my ex that his new GF told me to 'back tf off already?'"

A few days ago, my (30f) ex’s (32m) new girlfriend (27f) texted me out of the blue and told me – first politely and then not so much – to back the f off and not contact my ex anymore cos, apparently, it’s disrespectful and I ‘should be over it by now’. Some context here: My ex and I broke up roughly six years ago but we are still friends. Why? Cos we didn’t have a reason not to.

Our break up wasn’t a dramatic one – just two people who’d been together since their late teens realizing that they wanted different things in life.

But since we still got along great and he had his daughter – my “niece” – who I basically helped raise we decided to stay friends.

The reason his girlfriend's message surprised me as much as it did is that a) it came really out of the blue. I didn’t even know she had my number b) she has absolutely zero reason to be suspicious or anything. My ex and I still hang out, yes, but always with either my niece or other friends. And, on occasion, we go to school events for my niece – like, when she has a performance or something.

I genuinely don’t think I’ve done anything with him one on one since…damn, since before our break up I think? The most ‘one on one’ he and I ever do is when he drops off or picks up my niece – she has a room at my place, in case that matters - and we wait for her to get her things. But that’s all.

Also: His girlfriend and I have met before at my nieces and then my ex’s birthday and she was nice both times. We didn’t talk much, just regular ‘hi, how are you, nice to meet you, that’s a lovely dress, bye’, so I didn’t think she had any issues with me.

On top of that: I’m dating someone new, too.

So yeah, I’m not sure what her deal is at all. And when she texted me, my arse was halfway to giving my ex a ring and telling him to maybe have a chat with his girlfriend cos something is definitely wrong but another part of me really doesn’t want to interfere with his relationship like that. My ex is a good dude and, from what my niece told me and from what I’ve seen at the two birthdays, he really adores her.

Like, he genuinely gets puppy eyes when he looks at her which that stoic arse man NEVER does. He deserves to be this happy, he really does. And, most importantly, my niece likes her too. That wasn't the case with the two other girlfriends he'd had since we broke up, so this is a huge issue I need to consider, too.

Telling him would put all of this in jeopardy but like…what else am I supposed to do? I’m defo not going to cut contact with either my niece or my ex just cos she wants me to, no f#$king way, but she was rather insistent on the matter, so I don’t think she’ll leave it alone either. My flatmate is team ‘tell him and get it over with’, but she’s, with love, a bit of a prick so I’m hesitant to take her word on anything.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

FreddieJasonizz wrote:

Send him the screenshots. But tell him he can step back from being a friend but not to take your niece away from you. This kind of stupid childish drama is not good for a kid.

OP responded:

Oh defo. Not that I think he would drag my niece into this, he's not the type. Also: I'm pretty much the closest thing to a maternal figure she has and have been ever since she was like...two? I think? So yeah, doubt he'd take that from her. And he knows I'd fist fight him if he dared to try, lol, but I'll defo make sure to mention it!

Pale_Pumpkin_7073 wrote:

He deserves to know if his girlfriend is talking to his friends like that or making accusations of flirting with him. Tell him.

OP responded:

That is the wildest part - she didn't even accuse me of flirting with him. Like, if she had been able to genuinely tell me what upset her then I could've cleared the air but she really just wants me gone cos she thinks exes have no business being friends. But yeah, I think I'll have to give him a call tonight - even if he does nothing, at least he knows.

SvPaladdin wrote:

I’d say YTA if you don’t work through this and figure things out. The three (You, Ex, his GF) of you need to figure out what’s up here, even if it’s just “vibes”

Now remember, if I read the setup right, you are an “honorary” aunt to this little girl, as in “could have been stepmom had the relationship not derailed."

But that’s it. So you may need to be ready to step back and let GF start trying to establish a “feminine to maternal” relationship with Ex’s daughter. That honorary aunt status also doesn’t really give you a ton of “leg to stand on." Personally, I’d try to befriend the GF as well, and do “girls night” with you, GF, and daughter to help foster relationships.

OP responded:

Honestly, I'm genuinely not sure how well me making space will work. My niece is a teen by now (a young teen but still a teen) and I've been in her life since she was two and a half. Also: I did do all the "mum" things with her, I just don't have the title.

Mainly cos when my ex and I first got together I was still in my teens (he's a teen dad) and didn't feel comfortable with being called mum by anyone. The aunt/niece title just stuck.

As for your idea: I wouldn't mind that but from what my niece told me they have a good relationship. They hang out a lot and do stuff together and my niece usually invites her along whenever she has a recital or similar, but the GF works odd hours and usually can't make it. But yeah, I'm not opposed to working things out. It's just weird that I have to, in the first place.

[deleted] wrote:

Let her be with him without you hanging around. I never keep exes around out of respect for myself and my new partners. I can’t stand people that keep exes around as options. Because that’s really why you are doing it and to say otherwise is BS. Having exes around when you are dating someone new is selfish and hovering around as the ex is too. Move on.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Hiya again! I thought I'd give you guys a little update in case any of you are interested. First: I did end up calling my ex after I came back from work last night. I was insanely nervous cos I still felt (and still do feel) bad about rocking the boat but yeah, you guys were right. It should be his decision if he wants to cut me off, not his GF's.

Now, after some regular chatter I went in and told him what happened and even read him some of the messages his girlfriend had sent me. He didn't say much as I did (not that I expected him to, that man has a daily average of 15 words. 25 if he's feeling very chatty) and mostly just listened quietly.

I couldn't gauge his reaction, so I kind of ended up rambling and mentioning some of the things you guys had advised me to - you know how he can step back if that's what he needs, I'd respect his decision on that, but how I'd appreciate it if we could keep my niece out of it and all that.

The latter part is kind of where he spoke up - mostly to snort 'you idiot' - and then he told me he already knew that she'd texted me cos my boyfriend told him (they're friends and co-workers). My boyfriend apparently noticed that I was more upset than I wanted to let on and asked my ex to call me 'cos something happened between her [me] and your [my ex's] girlfriend'.

(Which makes sense, btw. I’ve asked my boyfriend if my behaviour with my ex was ever uncomfortable or inappropriate after the GF texted me, just to make sure I wasn’t doing something wrong without being aware of it AND I have been stewing over this mess for like, nigh a week, so yeah. Not surprised my boyfriend noticed something was up.)

My ex chose to wait until I said something myself before breaching the topic, though. My boyfriend didn't tell him what exactly happened but my ex sort of figured it was something like her telling me to cut contact. He then, once again, told me that I'm an idiot and that I should've told him immediately, cos this wasn't on.

The two of them (so he and his GF) talked about this before - even before they officially got together - and he'd made it very clear that there was no way in hell he'd be cutting me off cos 'I've been his friend before I was his girlfriend and I've stayed his friend for long after that' and cos I’m basically my nieces mum or the closest thing she has to a mum.

So, before they started dating, he told her that she’d have to be cool with that. He’d understand if she wasn’t but he’d not change his mind cos I’ve done the legwork and she hasn’t.

Now, according to him she was absolutely fine with it and even told him that she really liked me and wanted to get to know me more after the birthdays I mentioned prior, so he doesn’t know what has gotten into her. I asked him if she mentioned something else at a latter time – like, that something I did or said made her uncomfortable or feel insecure – but he said no.

She also didn't hint at anything. And yes, I asked multiple times WITH examples just to make sure, cos, respectfully, my ex isn't great at taking hints. At all. His brain is wired strickly forwards so anything sligthly obscure does NOT ring any bells in his wee head.

As we chattered on, still trying to work out what could’ve ticked her off, he suddenly got REALLY quiet and I was like ‘dude, you there?’ and he then said that he may have an idea what did it for her. He didn’t tell me what though cos he said it’s a conversation he needs to have with her first, so I didn’t ask further. He did assure me that it was nothing I did, though.

We pretty much left it at that and he told me he’d have a chat with her and see what’s up and, depending on what it is, he’d let me know. So now we wait. Oh and we both kind of hope that she left it at contacting me and didn’t talk to my niece about this. She’s kind of been in a funk all week but keeps telling us it’s nothing so we kind of assumed it was hormones and/or stress and told her to take it easy.

But since the dates of her bad mood and the GF messaging me line up, we’re a bit worried that the she mentioned something or asked my niece to cut me off or whatever. Anyway, thanks for the advice you guys gave me and for telling me to just get it over with. I genuinely don’t think I would’ve done it otherwise. If I hear anything interesting, I’ll let you guys know but until then I think this is it. Thanks!

EDIT/MORE INFO: I think a lot of people are confused by my niece being my niece and also my ex's kid. Sorry, I should've reiterated that before things got muddled.

A short stack of facts:

My ex (32m) is a teen dad. He had my niece while he was still in (the equivalent of) high school. He and I (30f) got together roughly a year after she was born, but he only introduced me to her when she was two and a half.

Since I was still pretty young then, I wasn't super comfortable with being called 'mum', so my "niece" ended up calling me auntie [my name]. This stuck and she still calls me aunt today and I call her niece, but we're not related by blood.

Her bio mum is not and has never been in the picture. I did all the mum things - from potty training her to seeing most of her firsts to going to her parent teacher conferences and what not. This is why my ex says I'm the closest thing she has to a mother. And, to finish it up: My ex and I didn't break up recently.

We broke up six years ago cos we wanted different things in life. We stayed in contact cos we've always been friends first and, most importantly, cos of my niece. These days, my niece comes to stay with me at least every other week (sometimes more, sometimes less cos my ex and I are both chill with her choosing for herself) and she has her own room at my place.

The comments kept coming.

TheTresSt4te4re wrote:

Sounds like your ex has a solid understanding of your role in his and your niece’s life, which is great. His GF’s behavior is still a bit odd though, especially since she apparently liked you before. Glad you were able to clear the air.

OP responded:

Yeah, it really makes this whole thing even stranger. I really hope he lets me know what it ended up being, just for my own peace of mind (and, admittedly, cos I'm a wee bit curious). If she actually ends up telling him, that is!

Slipperwheels wrote:

Smart money says GF hasn't asked niece to cut you off, but has in some way made niece think that you want to cut ties with her. Maybe comments about her being niece's mum now so you aren't needed and won't want to stick around. Not important, but for my own curiosity, how is your ex's daughter, also your niece?

OP responded:

God, I sure hope not cos then I will be throwing hands. She can come at me all she likes but if she f#$ks with my girl, I'm done being nice. She's not my actual niece, don't worry! This isn't an Alabama story, lol.

In short: My ex's daughter used to call me "auntie [my name]" when she was a toddler and this eventually stuck. She still calls me her aunt and I still call her my niece, but we're not actually related and I'm probably more a mum than an aunt to her at this point.

testbild wrote:

My fear is the girlfriend tried to make the niece decide between her and you. And did not get the answer she wanted.

OP responded:

Oh damn, pardon my french, but she'd be so f#$king dumb if she actually did that. She's been with my ex (and thus in my nieces life) for like...a year or so now. That's really not a lot of time in general, but definitely not compared to me. It'd be crazy if she actually expected any decent results from that.

Fancy_Association484 wrote:

Anyway you can peak at your niece’s phone? I’m Not normally an advocate for this but if your niece is young, what the gf said could be causing harm. I think you NEED to find out.

OP responded:

Generally, yes I could. And I wouldn't even need to peak, she's fine with us checking her phone after we explained that both my ex and I had out fair share of cyber bullies back in the day - the struggles of being/dating a teen dad in the late 00s - and that we're maybe a bit paranoid of that happening to her, so she's fine with that.

BUT she's with my ex right now, so I don't have access to her phone. I'll ask him to check and if, for some reason, he can't, I'll have a check myself once she comes over tomorrow. Good thinking!