'AITA for telling my fiancée my stepdaughter isn't mine, sort it yourself?' RANT & UPDATE
"AITA for telling my fiancée my stepdaughter isn't mine, sort it yourself?"
I'm a 27-year-old man, and my fiancée is 30. We’ve been together for nearly four years. I have a six-year-old son, and she has an eleven-year-old daughter from previous relationships. Up until now, we've never had any issues regarding the children.
Yesterday, her daughter was set to go on a camping trip for a friend’s birthday, where they'd be doing activities like kayaking. My fiancée dressed her in a dress, and I mentioned to her that it didn’t seem like the right choice for the occasion.
She seemed offended and said her daughter could wear whatever she liked and that it wasn’t a man’s place to judge. I tried to clarify what I meant, but she cut me off, saying, “She’s my daughter, not yours.”
I took my son to a pre-planned match when my fiancée rang me. It turned out the birthday girl’s mum had told her daughter she couldn’t go in a dress and needed to wear a tracksuit or something similar, so they didn’t let her on the bus.
My fiancée then asked if I could leave the match early to drive her daughter to the activity centre. I replied, “Why should I? She’s not my daughter, and I’m here with my son.” Neither of us are talking now. I do pity for my stepdaughter and I wasn't being spiteful. My son was looking forward to it and it would b2 about 4 hours of travel. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Who sends à girl KAYAKING in a dress????
Someone who's clearly never been kayaking 🤦♀️
I've never been kayaking either, but common sense still tells me that a child in a dress is wildly inappropriate for the activity.
NTA lol you tried to help her, and she told you to butt out. Make sure you get an apology.
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP replied:
Yeah I'd say I'll be waiting for an apology.
Dollars to donuts you’ll be waiting for a while. I’m gonna say this just in case, while waiting be sure to spend time with your stepdaughter. Don’t let her get caught in the middle between you and her mom butting heads. Regardless of who’s TA (it’s not you but that’s irrelevant) she doesn’t need this s%$#.
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP replied:
Yeah I'm taking her and my son to the camp next weekend instead. We won't do the camping part but we'll do the activities. That's of course if I'm allowed to take her. My fiancée is obviously invited too but only if she wears a dress. I'm joking.
Yeah her reaction was a bit intense. I can’t believe she even asked you. Also weird if she is camping that she had no change of clothes at all…my kids have worn dresses camping and can do all activities in them so honestly weird she wasn’t able to get on the bus, why wouldn’t the organizer provide a materials list.
You were a little spiteful in the words you used. Btw. But still NTA. You shouldn’t have to abandon your son to drive your step daughter for hours for not doing the thing you’d recommended in the first place. Why isn’t she driving btw?
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP replied:
It was for one day, camp that night and then go home next morning. They were told a change of clothes wouldn't be needed although I'm surprised too. If they got muddy or whatever. She doesn't drive. We live in the city so she normally uses public transport.
After reading the comments OP added this:
Edit: From what I get, I was a bit of an AH she was a bigger AH so I'm gonna try and talk it out and see what we both want.
The next day OP posted this, "Telling my fiance her daughter is not mine. People wanted an update and I wanted a rant."
I had a conversation with my fiancée, and she asked why I would say something hurtful. I replied I was just repeating what she had said to me earlier. Then she asked if I loved "her daughter," and I said I did.
She asked if it was as much as I loved my son, and I responded, "almost as much." She got cranky. I asked her if she loved my son. She said no. I asked if she loved me, and her answer was "sort of."
She started crying, woke up her daughter, and told her they had to leave (though I hadn’t told them to go). I said we could talk about it tomorrow, but she insisted, saying he doesn’t want us anymore.
I told her that I never said that. Her daughter began crying and didn’t want to leave, but her mother said don't let me leave on my own. He doesn’t want you. I reassured them both that they were welcome to stay.
My fiancée decided to leave (without her daughter), and now she's not answering. When I spoke to my daughter's father, he just laughed and said she couldn’t even hold off on the crazy until after the wedding.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update/rant:
Bullet dodged.
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
Bullet dodged until she remembers her daughter is still living with me. One last visit of crazy when she decides to collect her.
I also wonder how she treated OPs son...
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
My son is very upset by her going. Her daughter less so. Apparently I don't toast pop tarts as well as she did according to my son.
Why do you want to stay in this relationship??
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
I don't. When she said that about my son, it was over. I just didn't think waking up her daughter and leaving in the middle of the night was a good thing to do.
You said she's much nicer in your OG post but it doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you've been putting up with crap and somehow making it work nd maybe even being in denial. I just feel bad for the daughter.
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP replied
Maybe I was. I have a feeling she has a guy lined up and that's how it switched so quickly but who knows. They are having a PJ day today. She's definitely sad but I'm sure there's more s%^$ to follow .
What she left her child and can’t be contacted? She sounds unhinged and you have dodged a bullet.
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
Yup very much so.
That poor 11-year-old girl. This won't be the last time she has her life uprooted by her unstable mother.
You may need to report the abandonment so she can't flip it around on you. You need to protect you and your son as well as your almost step daughter. That little girl sounds like she needs some protection. Can her bio dad come get her?
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
I did report just in case an accusation comes against me. CPS seem to be chill about the whole thing. Her dad ain't doing s&^%
She doesn’t like your son, but pissed you don’t love your biological child as much as her kid. I bet crazy fiancée secretly wants you to place her daughter above your own son, and would be content with the preferential treatment. Someone loving their own son doesn’t mean you will treat the step child less. And even with time, your love can grow to love both the same.
Crazy thing is I probably love "my daughter" exactly the same as my son, I just feel kind of guilty for saying that and I don't know why it makes me guilty.
Yeah we done.
That’s so sweet but please don’t feel guilty for loving them equally. I get it as I’m from a blended family (not the parent but still) Family doesn’t end with just blood relation.
That's true. Id do anything for either. Ill miss her massively if/when she goes.
Hopefully her father isn’t unstable and can get majority custody so his daughter has a stable environment.
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
Nice-ish guy but he would not want majority custody or any custody really.
How nice could he be if doesn’t want ANY custody of his own daughter? Poor girl has to stay with her mom as the only one he will always be there for her?
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
Fatherhood is not for everyone. At least he's honest about it. I don't really judge him. There were times I didn't want my kid either. I'm glad I never left or anything. My best little bud now but I think its better for people to leave than be bad.
20 days later OP came back with this second update, " I told my fiance my stepdaughter isn't mine":
I'm not sure if you've all forgotten me, but I'll start with some good news—we’ve finally figured out how to toast Pop-Tarts properly for my son!
We had about two weeks of calm. During that time, I spoke to my stepdaughter a few times about everything. I reassured her that, no matter what happens, she’ll always be my girl. She told me she hoped her mom wouldn’t come back. She says her mom was controlling.
Then, a few days ago, my (ex) fiancée walked into my house carrying two grocery bags, acting as if nothing had happened. She asked me what I wanted for dinner. I told the kids to go to their rooms and confronted her. I told her that we’re over. She asked why, and when I didn’t respond, she said, "Couples fight," as if her actions were normal. Her behavior was unsettling.
I told her she needed to leave or I’d call the police. She asked why I was doing this to her. I was at a loss for words, so I picked up my phone. At that point, she backed down, saying, “Okay, let me get my daughter.” I told her that if she wanted her daughter, she needed to call CPS and explain why she had disappeared for two weeks. She insisted she had only been gone for one night.
She refused to leave without her daughter and started shouting her name. Her daughter came out of her room and reluctantly said she would go with her. I told her, "You have a place here for as long as you want."
Her mother then said, “He’ll kick you out just like he’s kicking me out.” I stood my ground, saying she could have her daughter back after speaking to CPS. When I started dialing the police, she ran out.
Later, I talked to my stepdaughter. She said she was willing to leave because she didn’t want to cause trouble for me. I reminded her that she’s the child, I’m the adult, and it’s my responsibility to look after her—not the other way around. I asked her where she wanted to stay for now, and she said she’d rather stay here.
My ex-fiance ended up calling CPS. They reached out to me, and there was supposed to have a meeting yesterday with my fiance, but she didn’t show up to it apparently.
Here's what people had to say after this update:
INFO: Has her father been told what's going on? If CPS is now involved, I'd assume her father would also need to be involved. Does he care?
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP replied:
He does know. I told him before I got onto CPS. He doesnt really care. Her father said he was okay staying with me to CPS. It I unusual for CPS to allow her to stay with me but for his recommendation.
There is seriously something mentally wrong with her. Update me.
Embarrassed_Basis160 OP responded:
Yup. Seems to be
Having been raised by a mom with BPD who acted just like this - you have NO idea how powerful it was when you reminded her she was the child and it was your job to look after her! Sincerely - no matter what I can promise you she felt safer in that moment and hearing you say it out loud than she likely ever has with her mother!
Oh yeah, she wants her daughter so badly with her that she missed a CPS meeting...Hope you step-daughter can stay with you