'AITA if I told our parents what my brother has been telling me in confidence?' UPDATED

"AITA if I told our parents what my brother has been telling me in confidence?"

I (23) have a younger brother "Lou" (19) that's in his first few semesters of college. Lou's been regarded as the 'more academically gifted' of the two of us our whole lives.

More and more pressure was put on his grades, his classes, his college the older he got and the more he continued to 'prove' his intelligence. It was never really his desire to do anything of that sort, he got forced into it by our mother (54) who, herself, was a Salutatorian of her class and a Temple Law grad.

My issues with my mother are for their own post, but I was kinda put to the wayside as a failure when it came to academics, and the pressure hit my brother hard as the younger of us. Nowadays, Lou has little to no motivation to do anything.

Not work, not school, nothing. He has no plans in life and no desires to achieve. I'm convinced it's because of our upbringing where everything was forced on him, and he's just got tired of trying to find something of his own interest. I worry about him, as I genuinely want him to have nice things in life and marry someone who loves him with all their heart, but I don't know how to help him.

We're greatly different individuals, but alike in many ways. I'm Aro/Ace, he's straight. I'm sociable, he's not. I love Transformers, he loves anime. Stuff like that. I worry he'll give up entirely in life. There's so much out there and he'd miss it all. AITA if I tell our father (50), a saint of a man who worked too long of hours to see the damage when we were kids, about how my brother feels?

I swore I wouldn't, and Lou doesn't want them to know because he thinks it'll all blow up in his face, but this is the same kid who let me dress him in princess clothes and laughed too hard at Transformers Prime with me. I can't watch him fade away in front of my eyes any more. Lou's contemplating dropping from college, and I'd support him in his endeavours, but he needs a plan for after, y'know?

Even if y'all think I'd be TA, I need an outside opinion on this. I'm not asking for advice here, just to be clear to the mods. A little bit of context to head off questions: I've tried suggesting therapy, no dice. I've tried giving advice on how to mitigate stress in school (back when I thought it was just school getting him down), no dice. I'm just lost and I want to involve someone else here.

Edit for clarification: I’m Autistic, which unfortunately gives me a very linear line of thinking. Some rather obvious ideas on how to help just haven’t occurred to me. Sorry if I sound oblivious.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Much-Leek-420 wrote:

YTA. But have a conversation with your dad anyway. Just don't tell him what your brother confided in you. You CAN point out that you've noticed changes in your brother, you're very concerned, and ask your father's opinion. Don't stay silent. This is a, frankly, dangerous time for your brother; he likely needs mental health help.

He doesn't need to throw away everything, but greatly scaling back on tyrant mom's expectations is definitely needed here --- and THAT needs to come from your father.

Treeashes1867 wrote:

Just wondering if you’ve expressed paragraph 3 to your brother? I think it’s something he may really need to hear. He should know that someone is on his side. DO NOT tell your mom/dad, that would make u the AH. I also think your brother should know that a parents approval is not everything. We can choose who we want to be- not our parents!!! Sending hugs ❤️❤️

Teshi wrote:

YTA. Your brother needs space from your parents. Telling your parents is the exact opposite of space. College isn't for everyone, especially at 19. If your brother finishes this year, he might be able to defer continuing in order to do something else--work, travel.

Depending where you're coming from, many other countries allow young folks to visit for a year or two and work while they're there to get broader/world experience. This kind of working trip may allow your brother to get some space from your mother, see the world, and figure out what kind of things he might want to do.

Getting physical space from your mother might actually be the most important thing right now. He will never figure himself out if Mom is hovering and getting in his head at every turn. It took me until about 26 when I finally shed most of the little voice of my parents, and they weren't even that overbearing, just Opinionated.

I think what you should do is support your brother to make his decision before talking to your parents. He should make a plan first, with your slightly wiser, older assistance, and then tell them. Don't screw him over by having him be bombarded by phone calls and messages about the fact he's screwing up his life. To be clear, "make a plan" means "make a decision."

That could be as simple as, "Mom, Dad, I'm taking a mental health year, the university already approved the paperwork." He doesn't have to have any more of a plan than that. Making a decision about putting college on hold might release him from the pressure enough to allow him the mental space to imagine what might be an alternative--for the short or long time.

I can tell you from experience: Being a grownup with experience is no barrier to college. It can be harder financially or with dependents, but lots of mature students (e.g. 23+) thrive in college. Further more, if he finishes his current degree, taking time off before another degree is an actual benefit. Programs like it when you show a deliberate plan and some work experience.

He can do a four year undergraduate and come back for a PhD in his thirties and fourties, for example--or even later. All these doors stay open. It is a little easier if you get an undergraduate degree first, but if it's not for him, it's not for him. No point in making yourself miserable. Bright people are needed everywhere--we don't only need them in jobs you need university training for!

Ten months later, OP shared an update.

The update: I never ended up saying anything to our parents, as I did agree with many of the comments on the original post that I would've been the A-hole if I said anything. I did start asking more pointed questions about how he was doing as of late, since he primarily communicated with them about most things day-to-day. His roommates were the ones to crack.

They told their parents about him rotting about their apartment and skipping classes entirely, who in turn told our parents about the situation. With this, they medically withdrew Lou (now 20) from uni and brought him home to start therapy. He's been diagnosed with depression and has been on a steady regiment of meds.

The good news from all of this: Lou is working for our father, doing well on his meds, has developed an aspiration to become a radiology tech, and has a girl he's "just good friends with" (she bought them matching pj pants, I think this is noteworthy).

He's definitely improved since February, when I first posted, and I'm relieved. While we may not be thick as thieves, he's still my little brother and I care deeply for him. Hopefully this positive turn-around is a satisfying end to the original post.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

allergymom74 wrote:

Hugs to you all. Glad he’s getting real help. I’d take some time to learn from this yourself. You recognize some of the unhealthy things your parents did. Maybe you have other things impacting you too. What are you doing to learn how to maneuver these things more effectively in the future along with ensuring you don’t fall down a hole yourself.

Just something to think about. He was pressure because he was the academically gifted one. I doubt you’re a slouch yourself so maybe you underestimate yourself. I’m not saying go stress yourself out. Just make sure you’re ok with the way your life is heading.

OP responded:

I’m so used to hearing how little I shape up in comparison, but I accredit that to my “learning focus” being creative pursuits more-so than science or math. Thank you.

IcyChildhood1 wrote:

Regardless if its just friendship or its something more its great that Lou has someone hes gotten close with especially while battling depression. I'm glad your parents handled this with the vision of helping Lou and not trying to just fix him as well.

Katsucammi wrote:

You've done the right thing and really helped your little bro. He did the hardest thing of all, which is changing when you don't even feel like you can get out of bed, but you made it possible. He did the heavy lifting, but never forget you lifted him up when he was down. You're a great sibling, and I wish both of you the best.