'AITA for telling my pregnant sister to lower her expectations for me as an uncle?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for telling my pregnant sister to lower her expectations for me as an uncle?"
My sister is pregnant with her first child and is very excited about it. I'm happy for her because she really wants to be a mom.
I have never particularly liked kids. I always said I never wanted kids of my own even when I was young. Things changed somewhat and I have a stepson that I adore, but other than him I still do not like kids. For some reason people around me interpret my relationship with my stepson as me having softened my dislike of children when I am very clear this is not the case.
I am also very introverted and do not do much as far as being around people that is more than the bare minimum to keep those around me happy. I am much happier home either alone or with my girlfriend and stepson just hanging out than with the rest of my family or with friends.
My sister today was excited about her pregnancy and I was indulging her to be nice. She started going off on all the fun things I can do as an uncle with her yet to be born child and at first I just let it go. I didn't play along or say no I just let her talk. She wouldn't stop and eventually it just got to be too much and I told her she needed to cool it.
She asked what I meant and I said her and I have a different view of my role as an uncle. She asked what I meant and I said I would see her kid on birthdays, holidays, and family events, but I didn't see myself doing all the things she was naming off.
She got very upset and said how could I say that about my soon to be first niece/nephew. I reminded her I am not the biggest fan of children and didn't see myself having a particularly close relationship with her child.
She mentioned what a good dad I am to my stepson and I said that's different, that's my son, I'm not her kid's father and I don't have to be involved with her kid if I don't want to be. We also have another brother and we both know he will be wanting to do as much with her kid as possible so I said it's not like the kid needs me.
My parents then got the hint her and I were in a disagreement and came over to see what was going on. Both my parents are on her side and think I should be a "better uncle" and also should not have said something to upset my pregnant sister. So I have to ask, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Wait a minute. You have a family of your own. Does she spend time doing things with and for your stepson? This isn't how this works. You do for your kids. Your sister does for hers. I am one of 6. I can't even imagine how that would work, lol.
jsilv0 OP:
She does things with my stepson every couple months. This year, she took him to a water park for his birthday and had him come over her house to ride jetskis and go fishing once. She probably did 1 or 2 other things with him as well that I'm not remembering off the top of my head.
Don’t forget you’re an actual adult. Have you considered that people don’t assume you “softened your stance” on children with your stepson….but actually assume you matured enough to understand that children are still people and if they are in your family, deserve some semblance of effort??
So the problem isn’t at all that you’re not good with kids. The problem is you don’t actually give a s^%$ about your family so you’re totally fine not having a relationship if that’s more convenient for you.
jsilv0 OP:
I don't like kids. I do not like being around kids, other than my stepson. That is very relevant first and foremost. I don't like being around my friend's kids either and they know I'm not the friend to invite to their kid's birthday parties.
I don't like my parents because they made me raise their 2 other kids for nearly a decade because they were not equipped to be parents. They stole my childhood from me and years of my life that I can never get back. I do not like my sister because she defends them and thinks I should forgive and forget. This is also a factor.
I also generally do not like being around people. It is draining to me. It does not make me happy. Any time I am around people other than my girlfriend and stepson I am doing it for the person I am doing it with and not for myself because I would rather not be there. This is also a factor.
I guess this isn't as black and white as my OP, and that is my fault for not being as detailed as I should have been.
Later OP came back and edited/updated the original post:
Edit: I talked with my brother about it. He basically said based off of everything I've said my entire life he doesn't understand why my sister would have ever had these expectations to begin with. He's not on anyone's side. He said he gets why she wants more from me but also thinks that she should have expected this.
Update: My sister just called me. She spoke with both my brother and her husband last night after the fact and they told her that there was nothing in our relationship the past 20+ years that should have lead her to conclude my attitude towards her child being anything other than what I told her. She apologized if she made me feel like I was being pushed into a relationship with her child that I did not want.
I apologized for the time and manor in which I said what I said and that I could have handled it better. I also apologized for not being the kind of person she is hoping for as the uncle of her child. We both accepted each other's apologies, and we're good now.
2 days later OP came back with this update:
The update with my sister was accurate but my parents were not leaving it alone. They still wanted me to be involved with my sister and her kid more and would not drop it.
So I called a meeting with my family today. When I say my family I mean my siblings, BIL, and parents, not my girlfriend and stepson. Prior to this meeting I had a discussion with my girlfriend last night and she agreed it was ok for me to tell them the parts regarding her personally and our son I am about to describe even if she didn't agree with some of the reasons for it.
I explained to them again my aversion to kids and not liking being around them. They of course questioned why I have a stepson then. I explained to them a whole bunch of background about meeting his mom and later him and how it came to be where I love him like my own, despite me not liking other kids, still that they had never heard before.
They asked if the same could happen with my sister's child and I said never say never, but it is very unlikely.
I also explained to them that I am not a social person in general and do not do things socially often. I told them about the fact that I even only see the people I consider my best friends 2-3 times a year because that's all the energy I can muster to be social.
I explained that being social and seeing people socially is like work to me and it is mentally and emotionally exhausting and I don't like doing it, but I do it from time to time because I know others want it from me.
They didn't understand why someone can feel like social interaction is work and that I should just grow up and be with people because it's "unnatural" to only want to spend time with my gf and stepson and otherwise be a "hermit". I said their opinion is fine but does not change anything. I apologized that who I am upsets them and that if it hurts them that I am this way.
We then moved on to talk about our individual relationships. I told my parents I have not forgiven them for making me raise my brother and sister when I ws just a kid myself and that I almost certainly never will. I also told my sister I have an issue with her defending them for this.
I understand they did their best and that they were gone because they were trying to make ends meet, but if they couldn't afford kids without always working and not being present, they shouldn't have had kids. They all pointed out that would mean my siblings and I likely wouldn't be alive, and I said I understand that, but to it still stands in my opinion.
There was a lot of fighting over this that I won't go into detail on. My brother didn't really say much during this, but my BIL actually said when it came to my parents, he may not agree with not forgiving them, but he understands why I feel the way I do.
I told my brother and BIL that on a personal level I have 0 issues with either of them and that if I had a normal social drive, perhaps we could have a closer relationship.
I then reiterated that I am there for all of them if they ever needed me for something before I moved on to the thing that I really wanted to say to them. Some people pointed out me not being as involved with my sister's kid as she is with mine is not fair so I thought about it and those people may be right.
So I told them all that we have two options moving forward. 1) We can have a limited relationship where they see me, my gf, and stepson on birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. I will not do other hangouts and things with them or the future child, they will not do special things with me and my family.
We see each other at these things and in emergencies only. I told them when my stepson is older and old enough to make his own decisions, if he wants a further relationship with them, I would not stop him from pursuing it and I would not poison the well. OR 2) We have no relationship at all moving forward and we completely remove each other from each other's lives.
I told them that the decision as to which option they want is up to them and can be taken on an individual basis and is of course open to future changes should all of us want them and that they did not have to have an answer for me right away if they did not want to. Again my parents and sister were upset I gave them an "ultimatum" and said it was completely unfair. My brother and BIL were both silent.
I left and then got a call from my brother shortly thereafter. He said he accepts what I had to say even if he doesn't quite understand my antisocial behaviors and wants option 1 even if the others didn't. I told him I was happy he chose option 1 because if I got to choose any of them to interact with still, he would be my choice, and that we'd be in touch.
Here's what people had to say after this update:
This is such an important family topic for a lot of us. I was more socially connected when my kids were little and I was married, but since my husband moved on to a friend after over 30 years of marriage and my kids are married with lives of their own, I’ve become much less social in a lot of ways.
Permanently working from home made it easier to insulate myself from hurt. It’s not healthy, I acknowledge that, but it’s what makes me most comfortable. Some people will understand, like your brother, and take what you’re able to offer, and others will disrespect your choice to live as you see fit.
I’m proud of you for speaking your truth and so glad you have your gf and stepson to be your immediate family. I hope to have your courage someday but for now I do what I can and don’t do what I can’t. Thanks for sharing your story.
jsilv0 OP:
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope one day you are able to find a happy balance in your life.
You made me feel less alone. Thank you for that.
jsilv0 OP:
Please don't ever feel alone. I know this is so stupid and cliché, but someone somewhere cares. More than likely more than 1 someone.
I don’t mean to come off so dramatic. I have 2 amazing sons, I love their wives and am blessed with 4 grandchildren. I also have my mom and sister but the males in my family (except my late dad) are a big part of why I stay away a lot of the time. Everyone’s life is made of good and bad.
I just related to your story because it’s hard to make some people understand why we are who we are. Your courage to bring it into the open gave me a lot to think about. Thanks for responding, I do appreciate it.
If you don’t feel social. Email your brother. It’s oddly less work to shoot off an email than give a phone call or text. It might be a good way for you to still have a close bond but not see each other regularly or feel the pressure to answer right away.
jsilv0 OP:
Thank you. Given what I've said above it probably will sound strange but I actually enjoy texting with people. My friends and I text pretty much every day even if I don't want to see them very often.
I think for the first time since becoming adults, that I now understand my brother who I think is similar to you. Thank you for explaining your situation and thought processes.
Thank you for sharing. This is an eye opening view of introverts and the internal work they go through to socialize. It does sound exhausting and I have a better understanding, and less judgement.
How come there wasn’t a 3rd option for your family to continue to have a relationship with your stepson as they do now? I don’t understand why anyone would “punish” your stepson for your preferences. Having a relationship with a child is a choice and comes from a place of kindness and care.
You don’t do it because you expect something in return (like you spending time with their kids so they’re spending time with your’s). If they pull back from him, wouldn’t he notice and that hurt his feelings?
jsilv0 OP:
This is a good and fair question. My stepson does not ask about them and does not see them often. They aren't huge parts of his life, even if they occasionally do things for him.
There are 3 reasons for not having this option though:
1. They never asked for it. Not once during the entire conversation did any of them bring up my stepson. They only talked about my sister's baby and how I should be part of it's life. This was telling to me. I think them continuing their relationship with my son is mostly to get me involved with her child at this point, because
2. My sister and parents are notorious score keepers. I used to be as well but have worked hard to break the habit and still am working on it because I still catch myself doing it from time to time. I think if we kept allowing them to do things for my son it is almost certain we'd eventually hear from them "we did it for you it's time to reciprocate."
3. I hate to admit this, but the responses on my last post also influenced me. I may have argued with people about it, but deep down I knew they were right. To let it be 1-sided where my sister gave and I had no intention of doing the same was unfair.