'AITA for telling my sister that any and all business she had with my husband IS my business...' UPDATED
"AITA because I told my sister that any and all business she had with my husband IS my business..."
So it was my birthday a few days ago, and holy hell did it end terribly. I don't care about my birthday but my kids do, so I let my husband do the bare minimum for me, but more for my kids to be able to sing and eat cake.
Anyway, I am the middle of three (older sister, younger brother), and per my request, only my mom, my siblings and their significant others and their kids were invited for a quick little dinner party type thing to celebrate another lap around the sun by me.
Well after dinner, everyone scattered through the house and the yard just hanging out, ya know normal gathering stuff. Then out of nowhere my sister comes to me asking me where my husband was.
I told her that I had no idea, probably in the garage where he tends to be a lot of the time messing with his tools. Since her husband was unable to join for dinner because he worked late, my husband was more doing his own thing during the festivities.
Our husbands get along well so when we all get together like this, they just hangout together. She told me she already checked there and he wasn't there, so I said then idk, and went back to talking with my bro.
She comes back shortly after, and again asks me for my husband. I still didn't know, I had been inside in the same spot with my brother the whole time. When she asked me a third time, I told her that I still hadn't seen him, and asked her what she needed him for? She straight up tells me that it was none of my business. Like, what? I felt so disrespected.
All I said was that it sure as HELL was my business why she needed him because he is MY husband and that she is only connected to him through me. I did have a bit of an attitude when I said it ngl, but her reaction threw me off.
She basically accused me of accusing her of wanting my husband.... (not where my brain was at, at all). And it turned into an argument and I got called a b-word a few times. We didn't yell at one another, but there was attitude and a few F bombs from my part (I tend to have a sailors mouth, even when I am not angry).
My mom was nearby and said that my reaction was uncalled for. My brother said that her saying it wasn't my business wasn't THAT big of a deal. That maybe she wanted to have him help her surprise me or something since it was my birthday. He didn't think I over reacted, but that the entire argument was pointless. My sister gathered her kids and took off angry at me. Was I the AH?
Considering she was looking for him for a while, and asked me about him multiple times, I didn't think I overstepped in asking what she needed him for, maybe I could have helped her.
Little back story: My sister tends to bug my husband for favors like checking her car (he is a hobby mechanic) helping carry heavy stuff from one place to another (even if her husband is present), or if we are at my moms house and she shows up with a lot of stuff, she will ask my husband for help, etc.
My husband is very active and is used to making himself useful no matter the situation, all of his brothers are like this. He also doesn't like being rude so he never says no. Maybe this played a part in my being bothered?
Her husband is not like my husband, and I don't feel the need to ask him for any favors the way my sister always asks my husband, because I have my own husband. And even if I was to ever ask her husband for anything, and she would ask me what about, I would obviously tell her. He is HER husband.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I haven't talked to my siblings or mom since it happened. For starters, you guys are funny, my husband wasn't in hiding or avoiding anyone lol I think it is important to note that we live in a house with a pretty big yard (like a ranch, but without the animals)... my sister probably just didn't go far enough to find him.
I did ask him after it all went down where he was. He came in confused after my sis took her kids to ask why they left. Turns out he was all over the place throughout the festivities, he was playing with the kids for one bit, then was at the gate with the neighbor whom he shared a beer with since they're cool, with my dad for another bit, was indeed in the garage yet another bit etc.
I told her to go look there because that's where he usually is when he "goes missing". When my BIL is around, they're easy to find because they tend to kick it in one spot, drinking and whatnot. Like I said in my post, my husband is always in motion. He chills when he is with someone is there to chill with him, if not he is never in the same spot. make sense?
Also, people seem to think he just set up the gathering and took off, which, wrong. lol. He did celebrate with me and interacted with everyone throughout and whatnot, we were just not together at every single moment.
People also said I seemed controlling? I am not my husbands keeper as many stated, and I do trust him. I don't keep tabs on him which is why wherever he was, I was unaware, nor did I care.
I was under the impression he was just hanging out somewhere else. And I only asked her why she needed him because of her persistence, and to see if maybe she needed something I could help with instead.
I have talked to him about continuously helping her in the past, and have told him that she has her own husband, she could ask him. To which he always responds, "I know but I'm right there, I don't mind."
My BIL is kinda lazy and my husband sees it more as a favor to his buddy than to my sister. He isn't like that with just her, for the record, he's like that with EVERYONE. I do find it annoying sometimes, but his brothers and his mom are the very same.
I get more annoyed at my sister, because I do agree that she takes advantage of his helpful nature, but so does my mom. My dad is fragile, can't lift heavy things, etc. so same thing, my husband sees it as doing it for my dad.
Now, as some people mentioned, if it would have been a playful "none of your business" I would have reacted differently, because my mind did go to a possible surprise too like so many of you.
But she had a tone when she said it, and it seemed less "wait and see, yay!" and more of a "mind your business" And yes I was annoyed. I am also the type of person that depending on the way things are said to me is how I will react. If it was something she felt she didn't want me to know, like something about her own husband, that's all she had to say and I would've understood.
About my family siding with my sis: That is just how it is. I tend to be more monotone when I am mad, but I can be harsh. Like I said, I curse a lot. My sister is more sensitive and cries easily. My brother didn't side with anyone, I don't think. He just didn't think it was that big of a deal to lead to a whole argument.
AND OMG I really hope everyone is wrong about her actually wanting my husband. Jealous that her husband isn't more like my husband? Maybe, and hopefully this is why she said that. I choose to believe it is the latter, for my own sanity.
Thanks to this post I had to ask him if she has ever been weird with him or made him feel uncomfortable and he said no. And I had to tell him what she said. His conclusion is what I hope is true, and more jealousy than a crush.
About his phone: Him and my BIL have each other's numbers, but not him n my sis. I will not go through his phone, I don't need to. If he is driving and he gets a text, he will have me grab his phone to see who is messaging him.
If he has to respond right away he will have me do it....he doesn't even have a password on his phone....that's how "secretive" he is. My goodness. I'll update this as needed. Thank you all for your replies.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's posts:
NTA and it almost sounds like your husband was avoiding your sister.
Yeah, he's tired of doing favors for her.
NTA if hubby wanted to be found he would not be missing for that amount of time. Bet he was avoiding her.
NTA! If she said it all cute “none of your business, birthday girl!” Then yeah. It was for your birthday. But she didn’t. She was straight up rude.
And the updates clinched it as well. She wants a favor. And anything that has to do with your husband is your business.
Next family gathering, just have you, your husband, and your kids. Maybe just invite his family instead.
where_it_rains OP:
that was my initial thought the first time she asked me, I was like ok wait she's making it too obvious now I know to expect something. If it would have been playful, cool, obvious haha, but then that whole attitude and tone just confused me then angered me.
I guess if you ever goes back to talking... And she asks for your husband, I would just keep repeating "what can I help you with?" and "What can I get your husband to do for you?"
where_it_rains OP:
She never goes through me to get to my husband because that is what I already do..... another reason her continuously asking me for him tripped me up.
Later OP came back with this "final update":
So I talked to my husband about the situation extensively over the last few days; haven't talked to my sister still as of this post.
Turns out my sisters husband and my husband briefly talked on their own about this whole ordeal a few days back. According to her husband, it was indeed some sort of surprise. He couldn't specify what was planned as she didn't tell him, and he didn't know, but that as far as their exchange went.
He didn't mention her accusation of my accusation... which I found odd since if the script were flipped, I would definitely tell my husband 'cause, no. Just, no. My brother called to tell me it was for a surprise, too, as he had initially thought. After these exchanges, I felt like the biggest AH, despite her tone.
I ended up attempting to meet with her at our parents house earlier today (my mom watches her kids after they get out of school, so she goes there everyday during the week), and the outcome was not what I expected at all. I texted sis that I would be there when she got her kids, if that would be ok, to which she did not respond.
I went anyway, to clear the air. Her husband went to pick up the kids instead of her. She won't respond to my texts, or answer the call I gave her, and my mom just keeps saying I need to apologize for being mean but to give her time cause I really hurt her.
I don't know how much of the initial argument my mom heard, but I am SURE I never accused her of any foul play with my husband (I never thought that, and still don't although many of you do).
I had to call my brother to confirm, to which he remembers her being offended that I asked her what she needed [husband's name] for and instantly went to her thinking that [grossness] is what I meant, but that that accusation never came out of my mouth, except to tell her that I never said anything remotely close to that, etc.
He tried to tell her that I did not say anything like that, but she told him to "butt out" so he did. (please don't judge my brother for this, he is close to a decade younger than us, and my mom has always gotten on his case when he tries to defend me because then he is picking sides (he gets along better with me than sis))
I will be giving my sister her space, and will distance myself from her overall (sad for all the children involved, i know).
I attempted to apologize for my sh^%&y attitude and that if it was for a surprise, I am sorry that I ruined it. (no one could tell me what the surprise was, so there goes that lol) I was also going to tell her I was not upset that she was looking for my husband, I was more upset at the way she told me it was none of my business.
I took offense to that, as disrespectful to me as an individual, and as the person in question's wife, probably due to some underlying issues I do have with my sister (I could go into detail and vent about it to strangers on the internet, but wouldn't know what part of Reddit to post to lol)
In conclusion, I can accept I overreacted, but based on the conversations with my husband and my bro, and to the comments on here, I was not necessarily an AH.
(Also, yes I do use humor as a crappy way to cope with my problems, I'm working on it.)
Thank you to everyone that read and responded, whether you believe I am justified, or if you thought I was the AH. I don't mind being called out on my s%^$, if such s&*( exists. I read EVERY comment and took ALL feedback into consideration.