'I told my sister's husband she was trying to get pregnant behind his back and ruined their marriage. AITA?'
"I told my sister's husband she was trying to get pregnant behind his back and ruined their marriage. AITA?"
33F. I come from a family where I’m the oldest of 3 sisters. I’m also a wife and momma to a rambunctious 5yr old girl. My youngest sister Emily (27F) has always wanted kids, but when she married her husband Toby (30M), informed they did not plan on having children. I was put off, but thought it was a decision they made as a couple.
A few weeks ago, I met Emily for our monthly girl’s night out. After a few drinks, she admitted to me that she’s always wanted to be a mother and Toby kept saying no due to his childhood background.
She said she’s heard of men not wanting kids in their 20s but changing their mind as they mature and always thought Toby would do the same. But he’s remained adamant that he did not want any.
She then told me that she had her IUD taken out so they have been using condoms while she’s choosing her next birth control option. I was shocked to hear that she was taking these used condoms to try and get pregnant in secret.
I was completely taken aback, and told my sister that what she is doing is the female version of men poking holes in condoms. I said she needs to stop immediately, and what she was doing was crazy.
My sister blew my cancer off and said he was just really great with other kids and said she knows Toby will be a great dad. She then laughed it off and changed the subject.
The next day I confided in my husband. He was disgusted and said that what she is doing is unacceptable and said I can’t let her continue doing this. I called Emily and said that I was freaked out about she told me and wanted her to promise that she would stop trying to get pregnant without Toby’s consent.
Emily got defensive and said I didn’t understand the situation because my husband has always been excited about kids, even more than me. She said she made a mistake bringing it up to me and that I needed to drop the subject because it’s her life.
A week after this phone call I still couldn’t let it go. I reached out to her husband behind her back and asked to grab coffee. I tried to keep it vague that he should talk to her more about her idea on kids because I didn’t think she was being honest with him.
We did some back and forth but he still wasn’t getting it. I finally spilled the beans that I think she’s trying to get pregnant and he kept pressing on how/what I knew. Once the condom thing came out, he looked sick and quickly excused himself.
An hour-ish after, Emily began to blow up my phone with missed calls and texts freaking out on me and calling me all sorts of terrible things. I finally picked up one of her calls and she was hysterical on how I ruined her marriage and that Toby was threw out the word “divorce” during their fight.
She screamed that I’m jealous of her focus on her career, and wanted to be the only one with kids because my whole personality is being a good-for-nothing stay at home mom, and it’s the only thing I’ve ever achieved.
This broke my heart and I couldn't listen anymore, so I hung up, turned off my phone, and started sobbing. After this, Emily got ahold of my family to blame me for turning Toby against her and that I’m causing her to get divorced.
My mom who’s kind of like the matriarch of the family told me that while what Emily did was not great, a lot of men do change their minds (like my dad did once they accidentally got pregnant with me) and what I did was not my place and unforgivable.
I’ve since been uninvited to Christmas and my family has either been against me, cold to me, or uncomfortable around me. Only my husband has been on my side and told me what I did was the moral thing.
I don't know what to do. I really thought I was doing the right thing but everyone seems to hate me now. I don’t know how to fix this and I really need help. I really wasn’t trying to ruin her marriage but it feels like my whole family has blown up. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake; do you think I was wrong?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Maybe she got the idea from your mother, as your father didn't want kids until you came along. Your birth maybe wasn't an accident.
Or the mother might have even suggested it. It's very interesting that their father had it happen and it turned out ok. The idea that you get with someone and hope they change their mind about kids is very foolish and selfish.
NTA. If this is real... Your sister is a sexual predator and liar. You saved your BIL from being anchored with someone who raped or at least sexually violated him for life. Your family can fuck off. If they even dare try to smear your name, expose your sister's scheme to everyone they slandered you to.
NTA. Your whole family, expet husband and BIL are nuts. You didn't want to know this. She toød you and made it your business. This is controling and abusive bahaviour and you had to tell him. Let them be bad. These are the kind of people you cannot trust anyway.
NTA your sister is sick and twisted. Sometimes it is a heavy price to pay to be honest. But can you imagine if she had gotten pregnant and your BIL who has childhood trauma and was honest from the beginning about not wanting children was forced against his will to be a father to a child he never wanted.
Why would that be good for anyone. On top of her being so focused on her career why does she want one? Sounds like she is jealous of your life. Don’t let her words or your family’s twisted thinking make it seem like what you did was wrong.
Make your own Christmas and your own Christmas memories. They don’t deserve you or your children at their house. They are not worthy. They can have your bitter sister.
Prior to this my sister and I have always had a great relationship so honestly this situation has me at a loss for words. Honestly I've always felt like the one left out because Emily was big into the work force life and my middle sister is big into traveling.
I've always been a home body who finds happiness spending time with my husband and child rather than advancing in my last desk job. Idk where her venom came from but it's left me thinking I've lost a sister and a friend. I'll make sure to make good memories with my little girl and goofy husband this Christmas.
NTA. And you may want to wonder if your mother gave her ideas….