'AITA? I told my infertile stepmother-in-law, 'No kids, no opinion?''
"AITA? I told my infertile stepmother-in-law, 'No kids, no opinion?'"
My (27F) husband's (31M) parents divorced when he was 14 years old. His father remarried to B (56F) about when he was 19. B and my husband + his brothers, have a very friendly relationship, but she is not their mom.
I have always liked B and think we have a very good relationship, besides this issue. This is B's first marriage. When B and FIL first got married, they tried immediately to start having kids. Unfortunately, doctors told her that this is not possible for her anymore. It was really hard on her, and we have talked about it extensively.
I am currently 26-weeks pregnant with my second child. B and FIL always makes comments on everything we do. With my first pregnancy, I had pre-eclampsia. I was highly monitored. She always talked about how I need to 'eat better' or 'walk more'. Giving tips and tricks to ensure a healthy pregnancy.
There was a point that we starting making bets on when the baby would come, birth weight etc. In her bet, she said, "Well if Op can keep it together, then I think the baby will stay put until his induction date."
Baby 1 was induced at 37 weeks and born with a virus. The first day he was admitted to the NICU, we were told that he was probably going to be there for months. I wasn't even able to hold him for 24 hours because he came out not breathing. B and FIL tried to make a joke about it asking 'well how did he get it? We know where he was last' type of jokes.
My husband did get mad at them for that comment. They make comments of how we take care of our oldest all the time. Like B says to our son 'I know you are not used to shoes, but at Grammie's house, we wear them outside'.
Or when he makes a good choice, I praise him and name the action 'a good choice'. I have done that since he was 1. B makes fun of me saying that he is just too little to know what I am saying (19months now).
On this pregnancy, I am not showing signs of pre-eclampsia, but it has been harder mentally for me. B has said, "I am glad you are taking my advice so you aren't high risk this time." Note, I am probably exercising less and eating worse. So she doesn't know what she is talking about.
Onto what happened: we have been staying at B and FIL's house for the last few days for the holidays. My son was throwing a fit over me taking a toy away after throwing it. I was handling it.
B starts talking over me and trying to teach my son that this is not good behavior and makes a snippy comment about how he obviously doesn't understand good choices. My husband comes in and takes my son outside.
B starts talking to me, telling me that I need to discipline more thoroughly. I told her I took the toy away after he threw it, there was discipline. She said that isn't enough. I tell her, "B, No kids, no opinion on my parenting."
She looks like I just slapped her and goes off telling me how disrespectful I was being to her in her house. That she helped raise her nieces and she knows because she has had more experience with kids.
It gets heated and my husband and I left to go stay at his mom's. We are supposed to go over for Thanksgiving, but everyone thinks that I owe B an apology, but I feel like I have hit my limit about what I can take.
She doesn't know what it is like to have kids, just to be around them. I will admit that I have been sensitive due to the pregnancy and I tend to overreact more that I usually do. My husband understands, but also thinks I went for a low blow over a small disagreement. He thinks I owe her an apology, but she also owes me one. So AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
The problem is, B doesn't understand how judgmental she comes across. She does not know how to express concern for your well-being without wrapping it in criticism. But, she sure understands it when it's coming her way!
Someone -- and I would say your father -- should explain this to her, and ask her to relate to you in a different way. You are absolutely right to tell her she doesn't get to tell you how to raise your child.
So, if B can apologize you can, but if she's not willing you don't need to either. You didn't start this confrontation, she did by interferring in things not her business. And oh BTW, none of the things she pointed too are causes of pre-eclampsia, nor are her jokes about the birth acceptable.
ESH. Even if B had kids, she wouldn’t be able to dictate your parenting, so your comment was mean to no purpose. But she also sounds obnoxious and I get why you’re frustrated.
Don't apologize. It sounds like B needed to be put in her place a long time ago. NTA. Also, it sounds like your FIL would laugh at the insults against you & your children. He's no better too. I don't understand how your husband doesn't see this because they are disrespecting & insulting him too.
NTA. B is the one at fault - I’m appalled at how entitled she seems to feel to criticize anyone else’s parenting. That she’s family, that she never had kids, that she’s your husband’s stepmom rather than mom, are irrelevant - she doesn’t get to tell you - or anyone - how you parent.
NTA. You are 26 weeks pregnant with a history of pre-eclampsia, and your stepmother-in-law (who struggled with infertility) is openly gambling on your delivery date while micromanaging your health?
That is not just rude; it is a colossal boundary violation weaponized by her own grief. No kids, no opinion was cutting, but honestly necessary because she sounds like she treats your pregnancy like a shared sporting event. Stop talking to her about the pregnancy immediately, and run interference through your husband for everything.
NTA - I agree with others that even if she had children, her input wouldn’t be welcomed. But I’ll bet she would prefer your version to mine which would have been “how about you shut up?” Anybody who thinks you need to apologize - including your husband - is also welcome to STFU as far as I’m concerned. Don’t criticize mothers who are in the trenches and doing their best. Period.