'AITA for backing out of my dad’s Christmas party after his fiancée took my baby to meet Santa behind my back?'
"AITA for backing out of my dad’s Christmas party after his fiancée took my baby to meet Santa behind my back?"
I live a 5 minute walk away from a mall, and they opened up their Christmas display a few days ago. My husband and I were planning on taking our son (who is 8 months old) there for his first Santa visit this past Saturday.
My dad’s fiancée is a very self-centered person. Most recently, she tried to post about my pregnancy on social media before I did and “confirmed” their wedding date (which has since been changed twice) at my sister’s birthday party. I’m not fond of her, but she’s not usually too hard to tolerate.
My immediate paternal family gets together for a small party every year on Christmas Eve. This time, my dad and his fiancée are hosting. I was going to attend it with my husband and our son.
Last Thursday, I had a business meeting while my husband was also at work. My dad and his fiancée came over to babysit. I spent some time chatting with them before leaving, and I mentioned our weekend plans, including how we were taking our baby to see Santa.
When I got home, my dad’s fiancée showed me pictures of herself with my baby and the mall Santa. I don’t even have pictures of just my son, she’s in all of them. She explained my dad had wanted to take a nap, so she took my son out on a stroll. She went to the mall, saw the Christmas display and “couldn’t resist” taking my son there herself.
Let me make this clear: I’m not too much of a Christmas person, and neither is my husband. But, she was well aware we were specifically looking forward to doing this with our son.
I’m also upset that my dad “napped” while babysitting, because we wouldn’t have had them watch our baby if we knew it would ultimately just be her. And I never gave either of them permission to remove my child from my place while babysitting.
I confronted her and said we wanted to take him ourselves, but she acted confused and claimed she didn’t realize it was such a big deal and just wanted to have some fun with the baby. My dad also dismissed my feelings and said I was being dramatic. I grabbed my son and told them to leave.
My husband was as upset as I was. We decided we wouldn’t attend the Christmas party anymore. We’ll figure out something else, but we don’t want to spend our baby’s first Christmas with her.
We made it official over the weekend. A lot of my family has replied that they’re not coming if I don’t, so now my dad is begging me to change my mind. There’s still over a month left before Christmas, and I want to sort this out as soon as possible. I don’t want to attend, but I also don’t want to ruin the party. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I’d plan ur own little Christmas instead, make memories on your terms. let them sulk.
NTA - I think its very concerning that she took your young baby somewhere very public while your dad napped without your knowledge. But don’t stress too much about Santa (obvi she’s an AH for that too) but your kid wont remember at all. Just pretend this is the first time.
SantaVisitThrow (OP)
I know he won't remember it, but I don't think that matters much. We were really looking forward to it. That said, the fact she took him out of my place without permission to do something like that infuriates me.
An advice for the future. Because she definitely knew it was a big deal. And family not showing up if they have to deal with her and your dad without you (husband and kid) there says a lot.
The advice though. Put her on a information diet. If you have to be around her in the future. Never tell her plans. Like Santa. Even small stuff like "oh I think child is so close to x milestone" If she asks on her own "oh do you plan to/is child doing x thing yet?" Downplay it, "oh I don't think we will go there" or "maybe with town" then its less exciting to steal the idea/moment.
SantaVisitThrow (OP)
I like that idea better than cutting ties or anything similar, but I'm also not leaving her or my dad alone with my child ever again.
She should have asked your permission to take your baby anywhere outside the house! She knew full well what she was doing. Was this to show off and post for her? I don't blame you.
Still do it anyway with the Santa picture with the family. Don't let her steal that from you. Stick to it about not going. This needs to send a clear message to your father. He is trying to smooth this over.
What is there to sort out? If you don't want to go, don't go. Other people's actions/reactions are not your responsibility. A party you are not attending's success or failure is not in your power. Think about what you are saying here, does the earth revolve around you? Of course not, your father is just trying to guilt you.
Your father chose to not only betray your trust in sleeping while watching your child, but also put your feelings as a parent below that of his sex partner. WHY would you give him access to your child when he allowed this to occur AND doubled down on it?
I would be WAY more upset about the fact that a person you did not entrust your child with took your child without your permission. This is a HUGE safety risk. Go or not, but do what you AND your husband WANT to do. This is your first holiday where your child is a bit more with it. ENJOY it. Start your own traditions! NTA is any way.
NTA. You aren’t ruining their party by your absence. If relatives will tolerate your father and his GF only when you are present, that’s solely on your father. It’s unfortunate he’s picked this self-centered woman.
It’s very bad that he abandoned his family duty to watch his grandchild so he could nap while the intolerable watched your child and removed that child to parts unknown while he was so abandoning. Embrace the family that supports you. Keep you distance from the unreliable or worse folks.