Trans man refuses to be sister's 'Maid' of Honor, 'she's un-transitioning me for the wedding.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to be my sister's (28F) Maid of Honor?"

I (26M) am trans, and have come out to my family 3 years ago. Although I am still waiting to get top surgery and start on T, I have started to transition socially. I cut my hair, changed my name, and asked people to call me he/him.

To most, I look like a feminine guy at the very least. In my family it was sort of a hush hush topic about how I'm trans, at thanksgiving it's one of those things nobody brings up, but they still respect my pronouns and name.

Now here's where my sister comes into play, she got engaged 2 years ago and her wedding is in June. She asked me to be her maid of honor last week, which threw me off. I asked her what that entailed, she said she wanted me to do all the traditional things. Help her plan a bachelorette party, help her go dress shopping, etc.

I was totally cool with this and honestly really excited since this was my sister and I grew up really close to her. That was until she told me her bridesmaids ideas. She wants us to be wearing matching bodycon dresses, topped with feminine hair dos, makeup, and accessories.

Naturally I asked if I could be exempt from this since I'm a guy and she said that it's fine if I dress like that since I haven't transitioned all the way yet, and I already halfway look like a girl so it won't throw anyone off if I dress like that.

She then added on that she'd like to strictly refer to me as her sister during the wedding, vows and toasts and all, due to the fact that her fiancé's family is really conservative. She thought that she could hide the fact I'm trans by basically un-transitioning me for the wedding.

I tried to ask if there was any other way around having me present as a woman, and she said no. She expects me to go full bra and everything. I politely declined after hearing how set she was on having me look like that and she went MAD.

She told everyone that I had thrown a fit about not getting to wear what I want and that I was ruining her special day. Now I'm doubting myself, maybe doing this just for one day isn't the worst....? My family is on my sister's side, except for my brother. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

toosheeptheorist said:

NTA - your sister is asking you to hide who you are for a bunch of transphobes. The only one ruining her day is her with her intolerance and transphobic attitude. Do not doubt yourself, because you would most likely be miserable trying to pretend to be someone that you are not. Your family (with the exception of your brother) isn't much better.

I'd also inform the rest of the family exactly what was said - you politely declining vs her version of you throwing a fit. Be your most authentic self, and tell your sister to find herself someone else if she can not respect your body autonomy.

notthedefaultname said:

NTA. Brides get some say in requesting a look for their wedding party. Asking you to detransition is not an acceptable request. If she wants a maid of honor, you are no longer a "maid" and therefore have to politely step down. If she wants you as a "made of honor" and be acknowledged as her brother, you sound like you'd be more than willing to fill that role.

Big life milestones make a lot of people freak out when they can't reconcile reality with their expectations of life. It sounds like most of your family is in denial about your transition and is against your life choices.

And this "phase" or alt "lifestyle" becomes a permanent thing for them if it's in official event photos of something serious to them like a wedding, so they'd rather you "be normal" for that so they can continue to be in denial. But all of that is very demeaning and not actually understanding what transitioning is. If they actually understood what it meant for you, they'd never suggest you put yourself aside.

They'd never ask you to sacrifice like that to coddle people that don't like your choices. Unfortunately you found out your family would rather you deny how you want to live your life, because they'd rather please people who hate people that live like you.

Wild_Ticket1413 said:

NTA. You should not have to pretend to be someone you're not. Her request for you to present as female for a day is not okay. Tell your sister you'll be her "Man of Honor." You're happy to do all the traditional things, but you will wear a suit for the wedding and present as the man you are. If she's not willing to accept that, decline to be part of the wedding party.

DemureDamsel122 said:

A bridal party invitation is not a summons. You are entitled to say no. My main question is why is your sister so comfortable marrying into an anti trans family and not supporting her brother. NTA.

bladaster said:

NTA at all she's being completely unreasonable. You could help with all the sibling-of-honor details since that clearly appeals to you and then be a dude of honor on her side, or maybe slip over to be with her fiance's groomsmen.

Or in the wedding crowd if you'd rather. There are MANY options which allow you to participate in a way which is dignified and if she is not interested in any of them that is strictly her problem.

gansi_m said:

Maybe she could consider your mom to be the Father of the Bride and maybe your Dad can be your Maid of Honor. No? Why? Why not? Because your dad is your father? And your mom is your mom?

Then maybe you can be her Male of Honor and she can not only respect who you are, but draw a boundary telling her in-laws that she values family above discomfort and that she will be true to her new husband as she is true to you. You are NTA.