'AITA for blowing up at my son's father and grandmother when I found out they trashed my son's formula and pacifiers?'
"AITA for blowing up at my son's father and grandmother when I found out they trashed my son's formula and pacifiers?"
So I (20f) live with my boyfriend (28m) and his parents. Despite being on birth control, our son is a oops baby. He came early at 36 weeks, I was scared out of my mind by the labor and delivery nurses telling me he would need NICU time (he didn’t), he would have feeding or breathing problems (he didn’t).
He was just overall small, and I ended up with a second degree tear due to him being sunny side up and now almost 7 weeks later it still hurts to sit down and move certain ways. I still have back pain from where they placed the epidural.
My recovery hasn't been easy. My stitches are healing well for the most part and I'm going to get an IUD placed to have a more permanent type of birth control because even after being on the birth control pills for 2 years, they aren't 100% pregnancy proof Since my son was born early the nurses gave him formula at first.
I really didn't care? I just wanted my son to be healthy and be able to come home. My son's father/boyfriend and his family have pushed me to breastfeed all through my pregnancy.
It wasn't ever something that really crossed my mind my goal was just to have a healthy baby and we both survive. The hospital also gave us a pacifier and my son's grandma said that pacifiers were just a crutch that babies didn't need and I was setting him up to "have teeth problems and need braces later on".
I tried pumping with the hospital grade pump and it hurt. I tried breast feeding my son but it hurt and a lactation consultant at the hospital said I would struggle with breast feeding due to my anatomy and the fact my son has a tongue tie.
I just said ok whatever, let's give him formula. My son's father's family (especially his mom) were NOT happy about it. While I'm up changing diapers and bottle feeding my son, she's also up and in my ear telling me how breast is best and "you never know what's exactly in formula!"
Spoiler alert she breast fed my son's father and his 3 siblings so I guess it's like some sort of pride thing for her? Idk, she was the same way with my boyfriend's sister when she had her kids. My son's father even said one time it would be "hot" to see me breast feed and to be honest that just gave me the ick so bad.
I haven't gone back to work yet (despite me applying to jobs left and right) so whatever my son's father brings in with his paychecks is how I'm surviving right now. It's been tough and I have to pretty much justify how I spend "his" money. "Why did I spend so and so at Walmart?"
Our son needed diapers, wipes and formula. A can only lasts so long. "Well why can't you start back breast feeding to save money?" I don't want to! Our son is happy and healthy and thriving on formula. My son's father won't even make him bottles because he thinks it's "unnatural" when I supposedly can just magically make breast milk appear again.
My son had an appointment this morning to check his weight with the pediatrician because while he is gaining weight, it's been slow and he's been spitting up the formula. Ended up being gone for longer than I wanted to because the pediatrician's office was running behind.
When I got back to the house, I went to make my son a bottle and found the formula canister empty. My son is crying for his milk and I ask his father what happened to the formula can because it was still half full.
He just shrugs and goes "it looked old so I threw it out" I asked him why would he do such a f'ing stupid thing and he yelled at me not to "talk to him that way". Then his mom came into the kitchen and yelled at me for "disrespecting" her son.
I had to grab the formula can out of the trash can and saw all of the dumped formula powder just sitting there along with my son's pacifiers all mixed in with the garbage. At this point my son's grandma picked him up and was trying to console him because he was getting upset.
She started backing up my son's father saying the formula he's on always looks "expired" and old and gross. I ended up yelling "OH MY GOD" and called my son's father selfish and terrible for wasting something so important.
It ended up with his mom yelling at me to get out of her house and she refused to give me my son as he was crying. I lost it on her and screamed at her "GIVE ME MY FREAKING BABY" and she threatened to call the police on me for verbally abusing her and physically abusing my son.
I ended up leaving with my son to a friend's house and thankfully had a sample can of his formula stashed away in the diaper bag I keep in my car along with the two small sample cans the pediatrician's office gave me today.
Both my son's father and grandma have texted me, asking me to come back and saying I shouldn't have been so "dramatic" and that my son's father was just "trying to be careful". He wasted the baby’s food and put my son in a difficult situation, and he doesn’t even get it. Neither does his mom since she's backing him up on this.
They're both making me feel so guilty. I'm just trying to keep my son alive. I ended up calling my mom to talk to someone about this whole mess and she agreed with my son's grandma about how I should have breast fed (or at least used donor milk lol) but she also said I'm the mom and can make my own decisions about my son.
I asked her if we could stay with her for a couple of days and my mom said she just didn't have room for us (which is fair she has my 4 younger siblings living with her as it is). I feel so mad and frustrated.
I'm literally on hold with my son's pediatrician's to see if they can give me any more sample cans before I go back to my son's father's house. AITA for getting mad over formula being trashed or was my son's father in the right here?
Edit: My friend loaned me enough cash to get my son a can of formula thank god. My son's pediatrician's office never picked up so I left a message for the receptionist and i'm hoping they will get back to me before they close.
We can only stay with my friend for maybe a couple of days because I don't have anything beyond whats in the diaper bag for my son. I'm going to apply for WIC and SNAP benefits and see if a lawyer will help me get sole custody of my son. I'm not married to his father and I really don't want to go back to his mom's house if I don't have to.
I should have grabbed some of my own stuff but I was so angry I just wanted to get out of there. Going back to playing phone tag and trying to get help to get us out of this situation.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Apply for WIC for your child’s food.
Lawyer. Get sole custody. I breastfed my kid for 40 months and am a huge lactivist. But FED is best. Breastfeeding was good for me, and anyone who wants to should be allowed to, but it's not right for everyone.
Take your baby and go to your family or a friend. His family and him are toxic. Heck - go to a shelter and get it on record of them destroying LO's food.
Well, you were groomed and preyed upon, so it's not like you're dealing with good or decent people.
NTA and this is abuse on them. I'm going to guess that they are "religious" too. Got to their pastor and his wife to sort this out. When the Dr and mom(you) agree it's nobody else's business.
PleasantMango777 (OP)
They are very religious. My boyfriend's mom wouldn't even throw me a baby shower because we weren't married and my son is considered a "b-word". I can't wait to be given the ok to go back to work (once a job actually calls me back and I can find a daycare spot for my son) so I can move out.
I'm so tired of living with every single one of my choices being under fire/questioned like I just didn't give birth. Given the fact my own mother kicked me out, it was either living with my boyfriend and his mom or just being homeless while pregnant.