'AITA for blowing up at my son's father and grandmother because they trashed my son's formula?' UPDATED
"AITA for blowing up at my son's father and grandmother because they trashed my son's formula?"
So I (20f) live with my boyfriend (28m) and his parents. Despite being on birth control, our son is a oops baby. He came early at 36 weeks, I was scared out of my mind by the labor and delivery nurses telling me he would need NICU time (he didn’t), he would have feeding or breathing problems (he didn’t).
He was just overall small, and I ended up with a second degree tear due to him being sunny side up and now almost 7 weeks later it still hurts to sit down and move certain ways. I still have back pain from where they placed the epidural.
My recovery hasn't been easy. My stitches are healing well for the most part and I'm going to get an IUD placed to have a more permanent type of birth control because even after being on the birth control pills for 2 years, they aren't 100% pregnancy proof Since my son was born early the nurses gave him formula at first.
I really didn't care? I just wanted my son to be healthy and be able to come home. My son's father/boyfriend and his family have pushed me to breastfeed all through my pregnancy.
It wasn't ever something that really crossed my mind my goal was just to have a healthy baby and we both survive. The hospital also gave us a pacifier and my son's grandma said that pacifiers were just a crutch that babies didn't need and I was setting him up to "have teeth problems and need braces later on".
I tried pumping with the hospital grade pump and it hurt. I tried breast feeding my son but it hurt and a lactation consultant at the hospital said I would struggle with breast feeding due to my anatomy and the fact my son has a tongue tie.
I just said ok whatever, let's give him formula. My son's father's family (especially his mom) were NOT happy about it. While I'm up changing diapers and bottle feeding my son, she's also up and in my ear telling me how breast is best and "you never know what's exactly in formula!"
Spoiler alert she breast fed my son's father and his 3 siblings so I guess it's like some sort of pride thing for her? Idk, she was the same way with my boyfriend's sister when she had her kids.
I haven't gone back to work yet (despite me applying to jobs left and right) so whatever my son's father brings in with his paychecks is how I'm surviving right now. It's been tough and I have to pretty much justify how I spend "his" money. "Why did I spend so and so at Walmart?"
Our son needed diapers, wipes and formula. A can only lasts so long. "Well why can't you start back breast feeding to save money?" I don't want to! Our son is happy and healthy and thriving on formula. My son's father won't even make him bottles because he thinks it's "unnatural" when I supposedly can just magically make breast milk appear again.
My son had an appointment this morning to check his weight with the pediatrician because while he is gaining weight, it's been slow and he's been spitting up the formula. Ended up being gone for longer than I wanted to because the pediatrician's office was running behind.
When I got back to the house, I went to make my son a bottle and found the formula canister empty. My son is crying for his milk and I ask his father what happened to the formula can because it was still half full.
He just shrugs and goes "it looked old so I threw it out." I asked him why would he do such a stupid thing and he yelled at me not to "talk to him that way". Then his mom came into the kitchen and yelled at me for "disrespecting" her son.
I had to grab the formula can out of the trash can and saw all of the dumped formula powder just sitting there along with my son's pacifiers all mixed in with the garbage. At this point my son's grandma picked him up and was trying to console him because he was getting upset.
She started backing up my son's father saying the formula he's on always looks "expired" and old and gross. I ended up yelling "OH MY GOD" and called my son's father selfish and terrible for wasting something so important.
It ended up with his mom yelling at me to get out of her house and she refused to give me my son as he was crying. I lost it on her and screamed at her "GIVE ME MY FREAKING BABY" and she threatened to call the police on me for verbally how I've been towards her and my son.
I ended up leaving with my son to a friend's house and thankfully had a sample can of his formula stashed away in the diaper bag I keep in my car along with the two small sample cans the pediatrician's office gave me today.
Both my son's father and grandma have texted me, asking me to come back and saying I shouldn't have been so "dramatic" and that my son's father was just "trying to be careful". He wasted the baby’s food and put my son in a difficult situation, and he doesn’t even get it. Neither does his mom since she's backing him up on this.
They're both making me feel so guilty. I'm just trying to keep my son alive. I ended up calling my mom to talk to someone about this whole mess and she agreed with my son's grandma about how I should have breast fed (or at least used donor milk lol) but she also said I'm the mom and can make my own decisions about my son.
I asked her if we could stay with her for a couple of days and my mom said she just didn't have room for us (which is fair she has my 4 younger siblings living with her as it is). I feel so mad and frustrated.
I'm literally on hold with my son's pediatrician's to see if they can give me any more sample cans before I go back to my son's father's house. AITA for getting mad over formula being trashed or was my son's father in the right here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Apply for WIC for your child’s food.
Lawyer. Get sole custody. I breastfed my kid for 40 months and am a huge lactivist. But FED is best. Breastfeeding was good for me, and anyone who wants to should be allowed to, but it's not right for everyone.
Take your baby and go to your family or a friend. His family and him are toxic. Heck - go to a shelter and get it on record of them destroying LO's food.
Well, you were preyed upon, so it's not like you're dealing with good or decent people.
Later OP came back with this edit:
Edit: My friend loaned me enough cash to get my son a can of formula thank god. My son's pediatrician's office never picked up so I left a message for the receptionist and i'm hoping they will get back to me before they close.
We can only stay with my friend for maybe a couple of days because I don't have anything beyond whats in the diaper bag for my son. I'm going to apply for WIC and SNAP benefits and see if a lawyer will help me get sole custody of my son. I'm not married to his father and I really don't want to go back to his mom's house if I don't have to.
I should have grabbed some of my own stuff but I was so angry I just wanted to get out of there. Going back to playing phone tag and trying to get help to get us out of this situation.
2 days later OP came back with this update:
hi everyone, i know a lot of people wanted an update. things haven't exactly gotten better but they haven't gotten much worse. so here's an update for those who wanted it
i don't have a parents home to go back to for those telling me to go back to my moms or dads. my dad is listed as "unknown" on my birth certificate and my mom kicked me out when i told her i was pregnant because she has my younger siblings to take care of.
it was either living with my boyfriend and his mom or just being homeless while pregnant. i didn't think my son's father and grandmother would screw me over so badly like this though
my son's pediatrician's office did call me back yesterday morning (i couldn't get through to anyone wednesday afternoon) and i was able to go in and they gave me a list of resources. most i already knew about like wic and snap but they also gave me the number to a womens shelter in my area (i live really rural so there's only one that was listed).
i gave them a call, explained my situation and they asked if i was in any immediate danger. i said no, i had left with my son. she asked if i planned on going back and i said no. she asked what had happened and i told her that my son's grandma refused to give him to me until i started yelling but she said that wasn't something they could respond to.
she also said i couldn't keep my son away from his father but my son's father and grandmother haven't tried contacting me since wednesday when i left.
she gave me the number of legal aid in my county and said to complete the eligibility application and she would contact me when a spot opens up at the shelter (this was yesterday and i've tried calling this morning with no luck on getting anyone on the phone). my son's pediatricians office also gave me all of their newborn and size 1 diapers they had in stock and another sample can of formula for him
for those saying i need to get a job, get a lawyer, save money....i know that. i just got cleared to go back to work at my 6 week post partum check up. my last job was working as a cashier at a gas station and i only made 9 bucks an hour.
i've applied to jobs but i can't make anyone hire me on the spot. if it weren't for my friend loaning me money to get my son a full cannister of formula, he would be surviving off the sample cans i had in the diaper bag and what the pediatrician gave me on wednesday.
my friend let us crash with her from wednesday night until today. her roommate comes back home and i don't blame them for not wanting me and my newborn to sleep on their couch. trying to convince my mom to let us come crash with her until the shelter can find us a bed but i don't think that's going to work out either.
i filled out the eligibility application for legal aid yesterday and i am really really hoping i hear something back soon.
i tried calling custody lawyers after googling them and out of the few i spoke to, only one was considered "low fee" but they wanted a deposit of over a thousand dollars which i don't have and i am terrified of my son's father using his mother's money to get custody of my son and keep him away from me.
one really kind person here offered to get my son diapers and wipes so i wouldn't go through what little i had in the diaper bag. i also got a lot of really weird and some down right hateful messages too. yes, i know i shouldn't have had a kid at 20. yes i "should have kept my legs closed" and a lot of you have some really strong preferences for breast feeding.
it just wasn't something i felt i could do. it wasn't something i wanted to do. i literally never thought my son's grandmother and his father would act like lunatics over this. no, i am not giving my son up for adoption, no i'm not dropping him off at a fire house. i am doing the best i can under these circumstances.
i plan on applying for all of the government help i can get once i have a permanent place to lay my head, i've been running off fumes and trying to wrap my head around everything. i'm still in shock over it all and i know i need to get sole custody of my son and keep him away from his dad and grandmother.
it's not like i can start lactating again at 7 weeks post partum but boy did i get a lot of messages telling me i didn't try hard enough or didn't care enough about my son because i feed him formula.
i keep staring at my phone waiting for the shelter to call to say they have a spot for us. i feel so bad for my son that this is what his life is like and i'm angry at myself for everything too. i'm hoping i can get the ball moving on getting assistance and getting a lawyer and finding something more stable for us soon.
i know it isn't much of an update but i know a lot of people were concerned and asking for one. i'll try to update again when i have better news to share
Later OP added this edit:
edit: you guys i am doing every thing i can here. i cannot make a lawyer take my case if i don't have the funds for a deposit. i can't make a shelter worker take us in if they don't have space. i can't go to a different county for shelter or resources when i have nothing but my son's diaper bag and my purse to my name.
i have people in my inbox telling me i should have my son taken away from me and i should go to jail for leaving his father and grandmother's house for crying out loud. i called a shelter in the next county to mine and left a voicemail and now i'm calling churches for help too. i'd be grateful for a hotel room just for the weekend.
i am doing everything i can in my power and some of are just being down right mean and s^%#$y. its not like i wanted to be in this situation at all in the first place at all